


Nobody Knows

by HeuristicallyInclined



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friends to Lovers to Strangers to Friends to Lovers Again, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past Relationship(s), Requited Love, Yearning, rekindling past relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:24:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 86,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22830184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeuristicallyInclined/pseuds/HeuristicallyInclined
Summary: MSPA Reader reflects on their current situation and unhappiness at not being able to see their old friends and quadmates again. They accept that they past they once knew them in no longer exists, but what about the present?Aka MSPA Reader reunites with adult Mallek and there are feelings to be had.
Relationships: Mallek Adalov/MSPA Reader, Polypa Goezee & MSPA Reader
Comments: 750
Kudos: 447





	1. Self-reflection and other cool ways to spend the day

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first public fanfic. I have been a Homestuck fan since the early 2010′s but Hiveswap slammed me back into it hard enough to write. Cringe is dead and it is going to be angsty and indulgent with canon treated as a suggestion. I’ve been spamming some of my favorite writers in the fandom with ideas in their inbox and decided to actually do something about some of them. Most of this comes from some future angst with Mallek I sent @clusband a few weeks ago during sad Mallek hours. Constructive advice welcome.

Being back in your hive after however long it has been brings up memories. Memories that you had spent so long aching for whenever the discomfort of that void inside of you passed. Focusing on that hollowness for too long always made you uncomfortable, but you sometimes would try to understand why that was. You tried, you really did, to the point of feeling that static so hard that your vision would go white and you couldn’t hear anything over the sound of it in your mind, feeling like you were going to pass out. You think one time you did, but it was hard to tell. Fuck.  


You thought that getting them back would help, make you more content, fill it even, make you feel whole again? But you just feel even emptier and like an even more monumentally bigger fuck up. You drink your shitty, expired coffee made in the coffee machine Tagora bought you a long time ago in the mug Skyyla made you, thumbing over the Ladyy design on the handle. You smile at the idea of her making such a comparatively small mug for you. Imagining the struggle of her larger hands trying to make something usable for your much smaller ones. You feel the warmth from your drink and your memory. At least your makeshift home was too out of the way to be ransacked, that or too much of a death risk for anyone other than alien refugees to try to make their way into.

You look around you at all of the trinkets your friends had given you. Remembering how at the time, you felt so rewarded, accepted even. Trolls being, well, trolls, had a hard time opening up to others given how much of a hellscape the whole planet was. So every time you made some progress, you felt like you got the neighborhood cat to approach you without getting too clawed up. 

You look over in the corner and notice the plastic bag you got when grabbing some oblong meat products for Dieman at Grub-Mart. You had some extra caegars and figured he might be exhausted after doing whatever drug that was at Ardata’s party. You figured that some sweet meat might help with the hangover. You definitely needed it.

Your teal highlighter had been covered in dust, having not been used since you decided to be a good friend and smuggle some snacks into the bookhive to support your favorite legislacerators-in-training late night, er morning, study session. You stayed as moral support, given you know fuck all about the laws of any given planet and also enjoy having your flesh remain unscorched. You feel like you learned a lot. Probably. You mostly shared meaningful eye contact and words of encouragement. 

Drawings from clown children and sketches from Amisia cover your walls. So do ticket stubs from Marvus’ and Chixie’s shows. You felt an odd sense of pride in being one of the most normal people there, extraterrestrial status not withstanding. A set of indigo sweatbands from exercising with Nikhee that you would also use with Stelsa during scaerobics classes are hung on hooks. There was a rom-com with a title too long to read in your lifetime that you watched with Polypa and books borrowed from Galekh that you never returned.

You smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. You care about all of your new friends, of course you do! It is just that… you feel more like the universe’s least qualified guidance counselor instead of their friend sometimes. You’re older than them, so it is maybe more like a sibling or a sketchy babysitter kind of relationship. They all have kinda weird, hard lives, even the ones on Earth, so you don’t mind being an interdimensional taxi service, or a postman who delivers kids to other kids, but they tend to relate more with each other than with you. Which makes sense, and you’re definitely happy they finally get to be with other people their own age, but seeing them hanging out with each other really makes you long for the people you once had the same kinds of relationships with. 

You had Karkat ask about your hoodie before you got your memories back and Sollux mentioned Mallek, but you got a little occupied by drones. It had been a bit since then. After taking Karkat back to his hive after a movie night with Dave, you noticed him eyeing your hoodie again.

“HEY. SO YOU NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD ME.”

Told you what?

“DON’T BE OBTUSE, I GET ENOUGH OF THAT FROM ALL OF THE OTHER BULGELICKERS THAT HAVE TRAMPLED THEIR WAY INTO MY EXISTENCE. DID YOU KNOW SOMEONE NAMED ADALOV?”

Oh, yeah the hoodie. After remembering, you were not looking forward to this conversation. You look off and let him know, yeah, you did. You trying not to make a big deal of it has clearly had the opposite impact on him.

“YOU TELEPORTED YOUR HORNLESS ASS INTO MY HIVE. IS THIS WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE COY ABOUT? YOU DUMPED ME ON AN ALIEN PLANET AND HAVE THE INEXPLICABLE HOBBY OF TRYING TO GET YOUR FROND STUMPS IN EVERYONE’S PERSONAL LIFE AND I ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND FIGURE OUT HOW YOU OF ALL PEOPLE MANAGED TO GET A HIGHBLOOD MOIRAIL AND-”

Matesprit. He pauses and actually looks taken aback. It is odd to see him momentarily speechless.

“WHAT?” Well that didn’t last.

He was my matesprit. 

“AGAIN, WHAT? SO YOU HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND ARE WEARING A SIGN THAT HASN’T BEEN USED IN FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG? BEING MUTATED CULLBAIT NOT KILLED BY DRONES AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU FILLED A QUAD?”

Quads. 

This information seems to break him. You see a familiar crease being to form between his brows. You then pause, trying not to get offended.

Wait, hold on, he has totally accepted you being able to travel time and space, but you filling a quad is too much?

“YOU ARE STILL PUSHING IT WITH TIME. BUT EXCUSE ME IF THROUGH THE PANBOGGLING TALES OF YOUR FUCKING ESCAPADES THROUGH SPACE THAT THEY DON’T EXACTLY FUCKING TRACK ON BEING CONDUSIVE TO FILLING YOUR QUADRANTS.”

Fair. You sigh and tell him the story before he can take a breath because as much as you care about him, this boy has one setting and it is very loud. 

You tell him about taking a walk, getting abducted. Saying you were a robot and then revealing you were not in fact a robot. You hesitate during the underground river part as you walk the line between Mallek’s privacy and sating Karkat’s curiosity. You smile recounting getting pushed in the river, saved, and how he called you cute and started blushing and trying to backpeddle. How the two of you hung out later and how he made an account just to talk to you. Karkat seems to soften by a modicum at this.

You laughed at how he showed up to tattoo a stranger just because you asked. You wistfully go through the memories that led to an eventual confession and how beforehand how your moirail Polypa was coaching you and Galekh provided you with literature on quadrants. A true bro move, especially since you don’t know how a conversation on them would have gone. You guessed it was since you helped him with his pitch quad and the tattoo. Maybe he felt like there was already something going on when we were both at his hive in matching hoodies, oh yeah he was the guy who got tattooed. His kismesis was your law partner. Karkat’s brow twitched, incredulous. Yeah you don’t know how Gorgor managed that either. Maybe having an alien alive and working for him on Alternia added to his court cred. You also think that that wasn’t the only part Karkat took issue with, but by some miracle, he lets you keep talking.

You kept expecting him to cut you off but he seemed somewhat enraptured by the tales of your romantic antics, despite his efforts to seem more interested in the you part, you were getting a feeling he was more interested in alien dynamics. You knew he was interested in romcoms so maybe this was just some new material for him, especially since quads were a new thing for you and maybe he has strong thoughts regarding the differences in alien ro-

Oh.

Oh you see why now. 

Karkat seemed to pick up on the shift in your storytelling going from your personal life to human romantic customs.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LOOK FOR?”

What look? There are no looks occurring.

“TRY THAT SHIT ON A MORON WHO JUST HATCHED. THEY MIGHT JUST BE MORE INCLINED TO GLEEFULLY SHOVEL THAT EXCUSE DOWN THEIR CHUTES.” He crossed his arms and squints at you. You knew how sharp his claws were from experience, not that you thought he was going to hurt you. There was just something very endearing about him trying to intimidate you while not subtly trying to glean more information about humans without seeming interested in humans. Or a human. Yeah, this is totally about Dave. You just have to find a way to gracefully skedaddle around that little detail.

I just had a bit of learning curve when dating an alien. So it is totally cool if you don’t know much about human stuff. I know quads can b-

“AND WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULD WANT TO KNOW THAT?” He says this clearly knowing what he thinks you think. You think it would be better if he didn’t think you thinked that, considering how the tips of his ears are turning red. You think.

You have romcom stuff everywhere and seem to really like them? Learning about human stuff might make it easier for you watch human romcoms and see how good or bad they are based on social norms. Kinda like romantic xenoanthropology.

Fucking nailed it. He huffs and rolls his eyes. Or at least enough that your answer plus the sheer amount of not fucking wanting to talk about that got you onto romcoms in general. He seemed to echo Polypa’s taste and you smiled at how animated he was becoming. A few of what you watched were now classics. Others that you didn’t like are prime pitch fodder. It had gotten late (early?) and that led you back to your hive. Just sitting alone and thinking. God you hate self-reflection.

You think of your time with Aradia. How she said you were a little broken. How she said you wouldn’t remember not being able to get to your friends again and being held by whatever the fuck that was. But you did remember, as much as you wish you didn’t. Guess you were more broken than she thought. It would be easier to just think you couldn’t get back because you didn’t try hard enough. But you did, you really did, and no matter what you do you just can’t. You are a shitty meta traveler and an even shittier friend. You thought about trying again but you get the feeling that you can’t access something that longer exists. You’d probably just get stuck in some corner of the universe and be alone all over again until you suffocate. 

Can you even really die or be killed in anyway that matters anymore? At least in a way that doesn’t bring up the dull pang of a “bad end” followed by getting slam dunked back in the past, before your fuck up, by an alarmingly cheerful time goddess?

Yeah, you didn’t think so. That would just add to the conga line of your dead selves letting you know how much of a dumbass you are. 

But those people, those times. They don’t exist anymore. You keep thinking back to the way things were and who they were and how you can’t travel to those points anymore. All you have is the relative now and the people who exist now. Mostly. 

You finish your terrible, bitter coffee, the cup no longer keeping your hands warm. You deserve this. In some shitty cosmic way, maybe you deserve this for not being better as a friend or partner. You can’t go back to the way things were, only to the people of now. And who even know who or what that even is.

Wait.

Maybe you couldn’t go back to the people they used to be because those were no longer who they were now. That thought sends a pang of hurt through you, imagining what little hope they had crushed. God dammit. But you have to try. Otherwise it is just you babysitting some 13 year olds who are trying to discover themselves and work through their issues with some interdimensional asshole looking over their shoulders. That asshole hopefully just being you.

You put your mug down and stand, closing your eyes, you try to repeat what you did with Aradia again, the memory of them doesn’t work. You know that. But with your new friends, it hasn’t completely been the memory? Maybe more accurate to say it’s them, some part memory sure, but more the idea of the present them, what they look like, who they are. You open your eyes and glance down at the sign on your hood, the one you have mindlessly traced so many times. A sign that when you forgot it, gave you a dull sense of grief, now that you do remember though, it has sharpened and you feel it in your chest whenever you are alone for too long or even slow down. Like the rest of you from other timelines will catch up to you in the current one and you get to experience your failures all over again. 

You hold yourself tightly to ground yourself. Self-flagellation won’t get you anywhere, you’ve tried, you know this. So again, you close your eyes. You focus on your hood, the sign on it, the person it belonged to. The Mallek he was when he gave it to you vs. the Mallek he knew he didn’t want to be. The one he would have to be to survive. Your throat tightened at the thought of not being able to find him because he couldn’t do it and what if they got him an-

You slap yourself to stop catastrophizing.

Focus!

Adult trolls get bigger and their horns and claws grow with them. Their skin hardens and darkens as it does. You can’t tell if them molting was a joke someone told you or if they were serious so you don’t think about that part. Their blood color shows more through their eyes as they age. They wear black with their sign incorporated on it when they get spaced. You think back to the cerulean pirate you saw with Konyyl. Something like that. Okay you were getting somewhere. You could tell by how afraid you were to get there. You begin to get a headache, like your mind is a rubber band that you are trying to stretch to fit around something it shouldn’t. 

Mallek said he would be a soldier or a spy and would be stuck ordering around lowbloods. No longer able to use his hacker skills how he wanted to. You imagine him, larger, older, more tired. Probably has more piercings and tattoos. You smile a little, despite yourself and the tension you feel continuing to build. He would likely play along, do what he had to do to do what he wanted to do. But at that point what would that even be? You imagine he would never truly stop messing with the system or hacking. His natural curiosity wouldn’t let him so he would be trying… something quietly on the side. He was sympathetic but you didn’t know how deep he would or if he would go down the rebel route, maybe just try to deal with his own corner of the universe. 

Going along with what is expected seems to be the easiest way to keep under the radar. He has always been partial to not getting culled. Even when it was just the two of you, you knew it was a conscious effort to let his guard down around you, often requiring a change of scenery with you jokingly asking about if you would be needing goggles. Jokes often broke the tension of being afraid to be known with him. 

Despite his projected cool, you knew he was an anxious person and preferred to be alone. You could see that being warped to fit the expectations of being a cerulean. You remember from conversations you had early in the morning, with ordeals approaching, you had some moments of vulnerability, of him exhaustedly going over what ceruleans are supposed to be with the unspoken and mutual understanding of what he was actually like. The coolness that he projected could morph into coldness, him wrapping it around himself tighter than any armor the empire would give him. Put some distance between himself and his team. You couldn’t see him being casually cruel, but definitely keeping people away through attitude and fear of his caste. 

The band tightens. So does your throat.

He hates having people over him and likely would at that start. Probably would be trying to do well so that he could use his performance and caste to be given his own ship and team so he could get some breathing room away from his superiors. Just be another team that does their job without question or issue in order to keep the space around himself. You realize that at some point during this, you started hyperventilating. You consider doing the breathing exercises Konyyl taught you, but at this point, you were tired of trying to be okay about it. You wanted to let it out in some way or another. You wanted to feel.

You thought of you, your disappearance. How that would have impacted him probably trying to find you, keeping himself up more than usual, blaming himself and then being taken off world. The not knowing would upset him the most you think. Would he even want to see you? What if he mattered to you way more than you mattered to him and you just showing up makes things worse? Another pang of guilt hits you for making things harder for another person again and you taste metal. You grit your teeth and refocus. The whole picture might never actually be known to you, but this is likely as close as it gets. You see this in your minds’ eye, the assumed idea of a person who may or may not exist, based off of who they used to be. Was this accurate, would this even do anything? Your hands clench around the hem of your hood and you drop to your knees and your leggings scrape the wood on the floor of your hive, eyes still screwed shut with tears pricking at the corners, breathing quick and heavy, jaw locked. 

You try again.

The bands snaps. 

And your head hits a cold, metal floor.  



	2. Ah, here we go again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader wakes up in an unfamiliar, terrifying place with unfamiliar, terrifying people. But what else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the support from the first chapter! I was really blown away by all of it. Enjoy some set-up before the inevitable angst.

The first thing you notice when you come to is the chittering of machinery. Earth tech hums when it runs, maybe you hear a fan or two. Alternian tech chitters. Sometimes it even makes a soft screeching sound. You prefer not to think too hard about it. The next thing you notice is the headache you have. Your forehead is throbbing and when you open your eyes the room is moving. Damn, you have had your fair share of concussions, but this is new. In your infinite intelligence, you finally realize that this is because you are getting carried like a sack of potatoes over the shoulder of a stranger. Well, fuck.

Slowly and carefully, you crane your head back to get a glimpse of whoever is holding you. You see large horns extending horizontally and curving towards their face. Their uniform having some intricate repeating bronze pattern. Realizing this is an adult, you become very conscious of your breathing. Just extremely slow and even. Oh God. You have never seen this troll before in your life. You continue to glance around and notice you are on some sort of vessel. A door opens and your captor joins another bronze troll. A new stranger, maybe a friend? You stop yourself from introducing yourself so you can hear what they say. Now is not the time to be horny for platonic connections.

“So ! nearly tr!pped over th!s sh!t on my back from do!ng !nventory !n the cargo bay. Do you have any !dea what the fuck th!s !s?” Your captor asks with an excited lit, swinging you off of his shoulder and holding you by the back of the hood. You remain still, motionless, having perfected the art of playing dead to fool drones into not culling you. Not your most dignified skill, but definitely one of your more useful ones. Something thuds as it is set down to your right. 

“()h gr()ss, d()n’t t()uch it with y()ur fr()nds.” Your captor chuckles while their colleague sighs in exasperated disgust. Ah yes, you didn’t miss this. Alternia has made you super self-conscious about your body in the weirdest ways just about as much as it has made you fear for your life. But one of those things is temporary. You know you’re cute, friendly, are incredibly resourceful and optimistic. You have nice legs! The clown pope said so! But you can still hear the sneer in her voice, “It pr()bably just wandered ()n b()ard during the last rest()ck and the change in gravity culled it ()r s()mething, I d()n’t kn()w.” She sounds a little pissed now, “Etiv()r just st()p playing with it and dr()p it in with the rest ()f the trash s() y()u can help me get the rest ()f the requisiti()ns delivered.”

Etivor shakes you a bit in front of her. She doesn’t react. “F!ne Yleeda,” he draws her name out and huffs, clearly disappointed, “!’ll be back.” You get thrown back over his shoulder and you can hear a light growl come from him. She apparently does too, and mockingly chitters at him, dropping another box onto her pile. “Wait, what if that thing i-,” she starts, but Etivor isn’t having it and picked up to pace and is already gone. Bold move.

He slows down after a while and walks and as he does you pass by a window. You look for telltale moon colors, but you seem to be in the middle of nowhere with nothing particularly familiar in sight. On a spaceship. Full of adults. Neat. Well, mortal peril is always a solid way of getting out of your head.

He continues onward and you hear other trolls pass by you, all of them caught up in their own work or conversations, none of the spare you two too much of a glace. A door slides open and he sets you on the ground. You hear him step away from you and fiddle with the settings on what you think is the trash, and you'd rather not get immolated today, no thank you. It begins to clunkily whir to life before settling on a scratchy, chittery sound. Luckily, you notice you didn’t hear the door close. You get up slowly, quietly, and slink over to the door, the machine helping to obscure any sounds you were making. You don’t need to be stealthy for too long, just enough to get the door and you can just abs- and he is looking right at you. 

You try to match the familiar look of wide-eyed "what in the actual fuck is that" that trolls have often graced you with when meeting you for the first time. His pupil skits widen slightly and his mouth is set in a hard, straight line. You both remain frozen and are locked in a staring contest. You stay like that together for a good ten seconds and you become intimately aware of how long ten seconds in total silence is. He blinks and as he starts to reach for you, you do the only thing you think to do. Blurt out some dumb shit and stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.

Were you also getting a pitch vibe off of that or was that just me, because I know you need to be professional, working here and all but I feel like if I wasn’t there you two would definitely have gotten into an argument? Are you two like a thing or have something going on there or…? You wiggle your hands noncommittally.

If you weren't terrified, you would be laughing at the look he is giving you. He immediately pulls his hand back and holds it to himself, aghast. His mouth opens and shuts as he struggles to figure out what to say before settling into a concerned frown. He steps back in confusion with an expression betraying he was clearly not prepared for you to be alive, or sentient, or fluent in Alternian, or immediately asking him about his love life. He is very clearly trying to unpack a lot and you are just trying to put some space between you and someone who easily has two feet on you and a lot of muscle, hopefully gained from things other than hauling aliens into fiery dumpsters. 

“Uh. What. ! mean maybe? But ! don't, wa!t th-“ 

Because I feel like you were definitely trying to piss her off a little bit, like not enough to ruin her night or anything and fuck up her work, but like she'll be thinking about it, so I think that's smart, kinda leaving the ball in her court as you left. 

He gives you the smallest, tightest smile as he uncomfortably, slightly nods, locked in place. He looks like he is trying to smile after biting a lemon. This man is deeply fucking uncomfortable which you can deal with much better rather than hostile. You need to keep this shit up. Fuck, WWGD? 

What would Gorgor do? You think back to his tricks and techniques that you learned from being his partner. How to maintain control over a situation without dominating it completely or else a highblood could easily feel like you were overstepping and at best, get defensive and shut you down and choose another teal. You don't want to think about the worst case scenario. But you are not Tagora Gorjek and have not been playing four dimensional mental chess with people since hatching. Also death is more of a temporary roadblock at this point, so really, there is no sweep like the sweep you’re fucking in since you couldn’t escape it even if you wanted to. 

You already overstepped by making this about quads so you just need to keep talking confidently long enough to fluster him into answering so that you can try to run off. An alien coming back from the dead out of concern for his personal life is probably doing it well enough.

Do you two have like a history from before this or did it start when you got your assignments here? 

You are trying to convey an authority you don't fucking have. But as someone once taught you, image is everything and to fake it until you make it. You don't need to have your shit together, god no, but if religiously following a nineteen step east Alternian skin care regimen or parroting back bullshit you've heard like you're a goddamn relationship wizard makes people think you do, then bitch you better roll with it. 

"We started working together l!ke a few wipes ago, but k!nda just started talk!ng," he says slowly and unsure, staring at you. You hum knowingly at him and he squints at you, perturbed. You place a hand on your chin and shift your stance to that of one in thoughtful consideration, the fact that you are closer to door thanks to it is not relevant. You look like you do this all the time, which you do. He glances around the room and pales.

God, he must be panicking worse than you are. He is answering. This is probably ideal. Okay plan time, so he and the other lady, Yleeda, are the only ones who saw you here. Wherever here is, and she thinks you’re dead so really you just need to have him be incredibly cool and then run into literally no other person on board the ship while exploring it, figure out where you are, and how you got here. Easy if you don’t think about it.

You were trying to get to Mallek and he is neither of these people so maybe he is on board somewhere on whatever place they restocked at. Maybe he does get to work with tech and he got to hole up somewhere with access to energy drinks that would kill anyone gold and below. This could mean you will never find him. Okay, you need to deal with one thing at a time. 

Oh, so when you got started working on this ship? Is Yleeda doing anything to irk you back? 

You ask this while stepping to look cool and relaxed against a wall, like all normal, cool guys do. Guys who are calm and not worried at all about incineration. Guys just trying to get a feel for where others are at so that they can give appropriate advice in appropriate situations that they are in. Those guys. You are them.

Your back finally makes contact with a wall. Or at least you thought it was a wall based off of how solid it was. You look up when you feel something grab your shoulder. The sound of the machinery that you thought would mask your footsteps definitely masked Yleeda’s entering the room. She stares down at you and then back up at Etivor, her gloved hand holding you firm.

Oh.

So that plan didn't work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How quickly can one person get attached to fantrolls made up on the spot to act as plot devices? One author finds out.


	3. Fragile, handle with care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader learns where they are and sees a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am currently on a writing high and am holding on to this as hard as I can to see where it takes me.

“S(). I wanted t() catch y()u before y()u pr()cessed,” she grimaces down at you and her grip tightens slightly, “this.” Etivor nods and he is focusing intently on the space between you two. “Because ()f h()w y()u said it was in the carg() bay and we did get in new invent()ry fr()m ()ur last st()p.” Etivor nods again more vigorously and crosses his arms. You get the feeling she might have overheard you talking. “It is labelled and all and appears t() be,” she pauses, mulling over the right word. “Functi()nal,” she eventually spat. 

Ouch. Well, that is a very polite way of describing you at this very moment and even then you feel like it is a bit of a stretch. 

On the plus side, it doesn’t seem like you are going to get incinerated, if only because it looks like you are going to have to wait your turn since Etivor appears to be contemplating doing a swan dive into it to get out of this conversation. Yeah, maybe not your best moves.

“I’m g()ing t() g() take this back and n()tify the Implementer that this,” she pauses again, “requisiti()n was pr()cessed and received. Whatever it is.” Oh you do not like the sound of any of that or how firm her grip is. “Any ()bjecti()ns?” Etivor shakes his head no and straightens out, trying to save whatever dignity you didn’t just take out behind the shed. “Sure, do whatever.” She smirked and chuckles, “I didn’t think s().” Oh. You quirk your brows at him, unseen by her. He waves you two off like his face isn’t in a blushing grimace. 

She grabs you by the back of the hood and hauls you off like you weigh nothing to her. You probably don’t since her biceps are the size of your head and how heavy the boxes she was moving around sounded. She held you less like a kitten and more like you were a cross being used to ward off vampires. She really seems to be reluctant to be near you and to be honest, it is really taking some pot shots on your ego. Unable to play dead, you try to get a better understanding of your surroundings.

So this ship is bigger than the one you crashed and the one you boarded during one of you bad ends. It took Etivor a minute to get between rooms so it is definitely made for more people based off of that, and how huge the hallways were compared to you, maybe a bit snug for two adults trying to get past each other though. It is more insectoid than the previous ship, you don’t know if that means that it is a better or worse ship, but you are extremely not fond of the sheer amount of legs hanging off of things. 

You glance at her. Her horns wrapped around her forehead before curving up and she had an undercut, the remaining hair was long and pleated into a messy braid down her back and whatever skin wasn’t covered by her sleeveless jumpsuit was covered in scars. She gave off a very strong, “don’t fuck with me” vibe. Well, time to try your luck. 

So...

“D() n()t," she deadpans.

Ok, so not very friendly. You wait a bit and try again.

Where are we exactly? You say this as you walk by a window and she stops to look at you like you’re an idiot. Any expression is probably progress at this point.

“We are in space. ()n a spaceship.” She stops in front of the window and her deadpan returns.

“Are you sure,” you deadpan back at her. Two can play at this game and you have decided to be rude now. 

“Dic()ndylian Galaxy, Prime Spiral, Centerr()r Regi()n, Thirteenth Sect()r. ()n b()ard the Zamenace. Right where we are supp()sed t() be and where ()ur rep()rts say we are. D()es this help y()u?” She resumes walking, face betraying nothing.

Yes it does. Thank you. You hope this was convincing as she spares another glance at you when you thank her. She hums in acknowledgement. 

That was a lie. This means absolutely nothing to you other than this is clearly Alternian controlled territory. You contemplate zapping out of her grasp, but she hasn’t done anything to hurt you, just your feelings. Where would you even go? Plus, maybe you should try keeping that little skill to yourself for now. You are in empire controlled space after all and don’t want the wrong people finding out about it. You repress a shudder at the thought of one of your worse ends. 

The two of you continue forward and you are really getting sick of being carried like this. You are pretty sure you don’t deserve this. 

You don’t have to carry me. I can walk you know.

“I’m sure.” The hallways are now getting taller and wider. You seem to be in a nicer part of the ship. “I bet y()u can als() run.”

Outrun you? Really? And go where?

“I am doing my j()b and it is delivering y()u where y()u clearly need t() g(),” she responds curtly and stares straight ahead. “This is the m()st efficient way.” The postman is now the package, oh how the turn tables. Well, her legs are much longer than yours and unlike you, she appears to know where she is. 

And where is that?

She looks at you oddly and recovers, “T() the Implementer, as is designated.”

You wonder who the fuck that is. You know trolls get titles as they get older to match their reputations. She is calling him that, so he is probably above her. Also designated?

Is he in charge of you?

“He oversees the activities of the entire ship as is ordered to him by superiors,” she says this very mechanically. You thought she was being distant because of her not knowing what the fuck you were, but now you were wondering what it is she thinks you are because of the formality. 

Maybe just covering her bases because of the sign you’re wearing? It has probably saved your ass more times than you will ever know. The designated part is throwing you off because there is only… there is only one thing identifiable on you and she recognizes it! Oh did it actually work? Is he here? Did you do it? Wait, does he even want to see you? Do you look okay, I mean they thought you were dead or trash so probably not super great, but still! 

She sets you down, “Uh, are y()u ()kay?” 

Yes, great! Just excited to be here!

“()kay then.” She gives you another strange look but you don’t care. You notice you are in front of a large set of doors with an intercom looking thing off to the right. You stand behind her and try to smooth your hair and adjust your clothes. She dials something into the keypad and a voice responds.

“what;” 

You could almost cry and focus on breathing so you don’t look like an idiot. 

Yleeda straightens, “My sincerest ap()l()gies for interrupting, Implementer, sir. We have received und()cumented invent()ry fr()m ()ur last st()p specifically designated f()r y()u. I ask, if y()u w()uld s() graci()usly spare a m()ment, t() l()()k it ()ver and determine h()w t() pr()ceed regarding it, sir.”

Oh that was a bit. You are already nervous, but what if he is a wildly different person and forgot you or conformed real fucking hard. Okay. Deal with things as they come. Worst case scenario you can zap away.

“okay; make it quick;” 

The doors slide open and you are almost overwhelmed with what you see. A huge, dark room with walls cluttered with different tech, wires that simultaneously seem to be connected to everything, but also go nowhere, litter the floor. In front of the room is a viewing platform obscured by three massive screens with code on them. In the center of the room, in front of the screens, is an enormous desk, which was also a mess with crushed cans and tech off to different sides of it. Facing away from you, was a very tall desk chair. Which looked extra as fuck if you were being totally honest. It looked like a villain's lair crossed with a hacker’s wet dream produced this room. You had a feeling you were in the right place. 

The two of you made your way forwards through a path the wires made, keeping a generous distance away from the desk. 

He continued to type, not bothering to turn around. “so what = the undocumented inventory;”

Yleeda looked back at you and you realised she has no idea who or what you are. She nods her head at you and then tilts it towards him, almost pleading. 

“well; what = it;“ he questioned, still not turning away from his work. 

She opens her mouth but closes it once you walk past her. You stand in front of her, between her and that enormous chair. You take a deep breath and steady yourself.

I’m a robot.

He stops typing and the silence is deafening. You swallow. Slowly, he swivels his chair to face you. 

And again, you are met with the bluest eyes you have ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to know that the longest part of writing this chapter for me was trying to name the goddamn ship. It was just me alone with a good seven Wikipedia tabs open as I galaxy brain to myself. And then realize you need a chart to understand my shenanigans. The logic goes like this.
> 
> Snake theme? Hell yeah. -> Snakes have some symbolism -> Find relevant symbolism and a cool name -> Zamenis genus of snake on medical staff aka Aesculapian snake -> non-venomous, secretive, and tame -> associated with god of healing, healed a snake and got some hidden knowledge -> feeling good, like I nailed this, but it needs razzle, some dazzle even -> Zamenis to Zamenace because Alternia -> Boom. 45 minutes of my life, gone.
> 
> Also. I hope you are ready for some angst.


	4. Don't Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever get the feeling that something is too good to be true? So good that it has to be a trap? Well, so does Mallek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some fresh angst.

You spent a probably embarrassing amount of time dreaming of this moment since you got your memories back, especially when sleeping alone with your hoodie on. You had fantasised of all of the different ways that you would reunite and make everything okay. How you would have an emotional reunion and how you would be smiling and crying. How you would see that crack in his cool and he would get soft with you as he held you and lower his forehead down to touch yours and ask if you were okay. Just slowly breathing each other’s breath. 

Sometimes you pictured running into each other's arms and him lifting and spinning you and and holding you tight like he thought you would disappear again if he didn't hold on tight enough, you being breathless and happy. Him putting you down and you grabbing the strings of his hood before he could straighten himself to pull him into a kiss. Being able to smell cloves and energy drinks on him. 

You pictured the aftermath too. Just shoving his shit off of the couch and him smiling sheepishly at the mess that had built up. Just being able to be there with him, propped up against his chest recounting everything that had happened. The green moon, Doc Scratch, all you learned about Alternia and Earth, your zap powers, just everything. And the most unrealistic pleasure of it all? Having him implicitly believe you. 

Just to be able to have someone listen to you and ask you things without having to worry about them thinking you were crazy or wanted attention. Because he knew you, all of the crazy you had gone through, hell, he even caused some of it. He would try to lighten the mood from time to time when he noticed you receding into yourself. You’ve had to prove your powers before, just to show you weren’t crazy or a compulsive liar and maybe you wouldn’t believe yourself either, but goddamn you just wanted someone to. 

And he would actually want to know. You could tell him how scared you were, of Doc Scratch, of being alone and forgotten by everyone you had cared about. How he made you lose yourself once and decided he didn’t need whoever you were before Alternia so he got rid of that and put in whatever pleased him. How you wonder if you being an orphan and runaway is just too convenient sometimes. 

Some asshole made you his tool and then when he was done with you, his sick sense of humor made you read a webcomic that showed you terrible things that had happened and terrible things to come. Things involving Damara, a little girl and the only other person there. To see how strong she was trying to be and resist him and what she would become. But it was pointless. You saw the things she would do, how she would die. It made you sick and you couldn’t do anything about it. That made you sicker.

You finally escaped and were yourself and free again for just one moment before losing yourself all over again. It happened twice. You don’t think you have the strength to handle it a third time. As resilient as you are, god you don’t want to do this a third time. 

You needed to be raw and uncomfortable with someone who wouldn’t just leave after. You could see him genuinely asking and yourself just dumping all of that and the two of you sitting in silence and him following that up with, “that = rough, buddy” and you just being able to lose your shit laughing. Because really, what do you even fucking do with that? You had some other thoughts about seeing him again too, but you are just so exhausted and done, that you’re mainly horny for emotional intimacy and being truly understood by another person. Goddamn it. Alternia really did rub off on you.

He would really like the idea of being able to sneak offworld. Maybe even escape with you or just enjoying knowing he could zap through space to just chill on a less murderous planet when Alternia became too much. Just you being able to give him an option to do whatever he wants, a luxury on Alternia that not even the heiress gets. 

You laughed at the idea of taking him out with you, he would stand out wildly, so maybe just when conventions were in town. That or just don’t acknowledge it since you know that you’ve seen wilder shit on public transportation and at malls, so really, how wild would that even really be? Your normal meter is broken though, so maybe you should confer with normal humans first, like John. Probably just John. Yeah. Also grabbing Daraya at some point because goddamn, not even in your self-indulgent romantic daydreams would you ever forget her again. 

So it was with all this in mind that you knew things wouldn’t go that way because things tend to go alright at best with you. And you were okay with alright because at least this was happening and you knew that these were all unrealistic daydreams that you could use to keep yourself company until they made you feel lonelier than you did at the start.

But here you were, after all this time, standing in front of him and waiting for him to make the first move so you could try to match his tone. 

The three of you remained in silence. He stared you down with those impossibly blue eyes, analysing you quietly and without any apparent emotion. You wished he would say something because the longer you stand there, the more of your nerve you were losing. He finally broke the silence.

“Yleeda;”

“Sir?”

“You = dismissed and can remain on standby; i can deal with the robot.”

“Yes sir,” and she left not giving you a backwards glance like the one you gave her. The door shut and the two of you were alone. You looked back at him, making his way down the platform to approach you.

It was hard to get too good of a look at him since it was dark and most of the light in the room backlight him. It made it hard to really see his face, but you could see his silhouette. His cerulean sign stood out starkly on his armor, as did the rest of the motifs on it that highlighted his place on the hemospectrum. He had always been taller than you. He enjoyed resting his head on top of yours when the two of you stood alone together and sometimes would wrap his arms around you when you cooked or were looking up something on you palmhusk when he walked by you. It made you feel safe with him. You would playfully elbow him to get him off when you needed to move and he would overreact as if you seriously injured him. You really doubted you actually could. You especially doubted that now. The other trolls that you had interacted with had been massive compared to you. He just looked sharper than them, more dangerous. He was somehow even bigger, not even counting his horns, larger and extending out further than you remember. You glance at his hands. His claws were longer too. You swallow, less sure now.

He stands closer now, tilting his head and staring directly down at you. It didn’t help that his eyes seemed bigger as his irises had grown. You had his complete and utter attention and it was nerve wracking, but that went both ways. You studied his face as much as he was studying yours. You noticed some new scars and it sent a wave of concern through you to see them contrasting against his now darker gray carapace. His hair had grown out a bit but was still kept in the same style. He did have more piercings like you predicted, including snakebites. You joked around about it being fitting that he got them at some point based off of what they were called on Earth. You guess he got them after you disappeared. He seemed to have enough of this and evenly spoke.

“What = you;”

I’m, wait, you don’t recognize me? Mallek, it’s me. I mean how many aliens do you even run into? 

You chuckle a bit, uncomfortably. You hope your joke would soften things like they used to. 

“a lot more; recently;” he maintained the same distant tone, stiffening slightly at the sound of his own name.

It didn’t.

Well, how many humans?

“what = a human;”

You felt your heart sink. He has to be kidding. You looked down and then back up at him again, resolute. Well, has he ever heard of anyone with your name?

“no;” 

I don’t believe you.

His eyes narrow and you focus yours on him all the more.

“where did you get that hoodie;”

You gave it to me after you pushed me into the river in the sub basement of your old hivestem.

“I would remember that;”

Do you?

“no; and I wouldnt be okay with an alien running around in my sign;”

Okay, that one stung, but you continued.

I thought I was a robot? You did too once.

You smiled a bit, but he wasn’t budging.

He speaks, unamused, “how = you on my ship;”

You wouldn’t believe me. You haven’t believed anything else I’ve said.

He steps closer. You stand still, craning your head up further to maintain eye contact. You know how trolls can get about challenges and what is at stake if you back down from one, so you stand firm. He does too. 

“try me;”

I teleported out of my makeshift hive, the abandoned communication hub, on Alternia onto your ship because I wanted to see you again.

His eyes widened slightly and before slipping back into a cold gaze. 

“you really expect me to believe that you can do that;”

You’ve never met a human before, so how would you know what I can and can't do?

At this, he actually glares at you. His fang pokes out and it too looks sharper and it presses against his bottom lip. From any other troll standing where he is, being what he is, you would be petrified. And you definitely are a little bit, but you mostly feel angry and like you’re trying not to cry. You can not lose him when he is standing right in front of you, in arms' reach. 

With your voice shaking, you speak a little softer as you try to control your tone, you look down because it is getting hard to look at him. It isn’t just the angle. You want to hold him about as much as you want to punch him. And you finally start again. 

It has been. So long since I last saw you. And a lot of things happened, like a lot of crazy things, crazy even for my standards and I know you know that is saying a lot. Even if you want to say that you don't know. And I just. You’re you. 

You smile, shaking your head and gesture at him with your hands, still not looking at him.

You’re here. And you’re okay. Oh my God you're okay. I was so scared that something happened to you and I lost my memories and even then without them it fucking hurt to look at your sign and it fucking hurt even more to try to remember why. But I kept trying. I couldn't stop trying. And then I finally got them back and tried to go back to where I was, to where we were. But I couldn’t. I was only able to get to now. I just. I just wanted to see you again and try to explain.

You take a moment to collect yourself. He hasn’t said anything but he is balling his fists. You look back up at him and are shocked by what you see. His sclera are completely red. Wide eyed, you take a large step back. You have never in any timeline seen him like this before. You expected to see him blow up at you and a part of you that you didn’t want to admit existed was afraid he would actually hurt you. And they two of you looked at each other wordlessly and you felt tears forming in your eyes. Still, you held firm, even as you felt your lip tremble.

Stiffly, he finally stepped away from you and sat back down on his desk chair, avoiding looking at you the entire time. The weight of all he left unsaid hung heavily in the room. You stood still, frozen with adrenaline. You heard him speak, but not to you. The intercom buzzed on. 

“Yleeda; come pick up the robot and put it in an empty store room for the day;”

“Implementer, sir, with ()ur recent rest()ck it might be a bit difficult t() erhm, pr()cure ()ne.”

“then move shit around;”

“Yes sir.”

The intercom cut off.

“she = going to be at the door soon;”

Wait, that is it? That’s all you have to say? 

You are shaking with disbelief. 

“i dont know you; i have never met you; you = a robot that got delivered to me;”

Are you saying that to me or you?

You couldn’t hide the bitter tone in your voice.

Well if I wasn't a robot and we did know each other, you know what I would want to say? 

“i dont need to know;” he replies curtly. 

It was too late and the floodgates had opened and your rage and guilt and grief poured through. 

That I’m sorry. I am sorry I disappeared and I am sorry I broke your heart and that I worried you. I am sorry I made you blame yourself. I never wanted to leave you. I got kidnapped by some asshole on the moon and I couldn’t send any messages and even if I could that person would become a pretty big target and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you because of me, especially since I know you and I know you would try something and he can mess with people's minds and change them and I wouldn't risk it even if I could. I am sorry it took me so long to be able to get to you again and if I could have come sooner before things got like this, I absolutely would have. I just couldn’t no matter how badly I wanted to because I tried so many times and I just wasn’t strong enough and I am sorry. I am really sorry Mallek. 

At this point you are crying and you are trying to pull it all back together after your rambling apology. You didn't think letting it all out would make you feel worse, but it did. He is silent for a while, and then finally, more softly and quietly than you have heard him speak this whole time, he releases a deep sigh and says, “you should go; she = outside.”

Alright. 

You wipe your tears with your sleeves and pull your hood up, trying to collect yourself. You feel exhausted. You focus on your breathing and you approach the door.

It opens and you leave, looking back as you do.

Mallek doesn't turn around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How much troll MCR does it take to soothe the soul after seeing someone who might be your not dead ex(?)?
> 
> "What the fuck did he even do to make a robot cry?" - Mallek's crew probably


	5. Out of the frying pan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek reflects back on the his time with and the disappearance of MSPA Reader up until the time he got enlisted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some backstory and angst from Mallek's perspective. Mallek uses 3-in-1 in the shower. Fight me on this.

Be MALLEK ADALOV →

It is pretty fucking weird to be startled by your name. But, you haven’t really heard that name out loud in a while. Sure you were Mallek, and you guess you still are Mallek, but for sweeps now, people have been calling you the Implementer. Hearing your name again, hearing that voice say your name again, it left you a lot more shell-shocked than you would ever admit.

Sweeps ago, a little before you went off world, your matesprit just disappeared one night without a trace. It sucks but it isn’t an uncommon occurrence on Alternia. What was less common though, was having an alien matesprit. They slept over the day before and the two of you had gone through the nightly routine you had fallen into from your time together. Them waking up before you and cuddling in the coon with you. You never had to turn on the slime heater when they slept with you, they were just that warm. You would groggily wake up and ask what time it was. No matter what time it actually was, you took your sweet time dragging your ass out of your coon before helping them out of it. Trying to drag out those moments as long as you could.

You would use the ablution chamber first since you were faster. That and they used water that was scalding for you and went through some routine a teal they worked with helped them with. They were using all of the extra sensitive and wriggler soft versions, but they seemed to like it though. Yeah, you were happy sticking to your three-in-one and their chagrin at it made you laugh.

You would make breakfast while they finished up and the two of you would eat together. This way you at least knew they had one meal that night. Snakedad always liked them and liked having them around, especially since he thought they were a good influence on you by making you have the semblance of a normal sleeping and eating schedule. Unfertilized cluckbeast embryos were your go to since they were quick and easy to make. Plus, you could just slide one or two to your lusus once a wipe or so while you were cooking to keep him happy. The two of you would chat about your plans for the night and any other dumb shit that came to mind. They’d clean up and you would get situated at your desk and they’d stop in to kiss you before they ran off to hang out with friends. More often than not, they’d come home to you and you would be alone together in pleasant silence while you worked and they read books from Galekh or messed around on their palmhusk.

That night was like every other one. They said they were going to the “Eastern Alternian Fine Animated Art Appreciation Society.” So anime club. Their moirail and another friend would be there and you knew the three of them would be fine together. They wrapped up and said they were picking up a nutritional disk on the way back for dinner and if you still wanted the usual, extra thick crust with everything on it and extra grubs on one side. They seemed squeamish about eating grubs and you would very gladly pick them off of their side. You had a matesprit picking up your favorite just because and who let you have their grubs? What can you say, you were flushed.

And they never responded to your text. You weren’t expecting much from your response of, “that sounds good; thanks; <3;” so you didn’t think about it and continued on your project. You stopped everything when the lojack program you installed on their palmhusk gave you an error message, “Signal Lost, Device Not Found.” You figured maybe they were taking a sketchy shortcut or were in a building or something and you sent them a “hey; = you okay;” and the longer you went without an answer to more worried you were getting. They should have been back by now. Your troubleshooting was coming up empty and they still weren’t responding to your texts or on chittr. 

You tracked their device and the path they had been taking wasn’t particularly rough given the neighborhood. They just disappeared at some point between stops. You panicked and checked drone reports in the area and nothing about mutants or extraterrestrials popped up, so at least there was that. They had backed up their palmhusk with you just in case something happened to theirs given their adventures. It was from this backup that you got Polypa’s and Tegiri’s numbers. Both of them said they left a bit before you got their text and they would try to reach them too. This ended up being how you got added to a teal group chat titled, “Where is kouhai?” It turned into a panic when they figured out what and who Tegiri meant by kouhai. They came up with nothing and one of them even checked their hive and saw it was in one piece, but otherwise, nobody was there. A neighbor they befriended checked to see why she was poking around someone else’s hive and were informed. They said they would keep a lookout and let you know if they saw them. You got their number from Tyzias. 

She later messaged a friend in the brooding caverns. You were hoping so bad that they just lost their signal in a cave. All of their jade friends hadn’t seen anything but were now also trying to get to them. You guess one of them had a clown in a quadrant or something because next thing you know, some young purples were causing mayhem in their search. This trickled down to them popping up in art forums as two people were claiming them as their muse. Some other indigos got involved saying that your matespirt had the spirit of a champion so should be fine and another who you think was trying to neg them into responding? Yeah you don’t even know what the fuck that was supposed to be. It caused a smaller singer you knew they knew to offer up free tickets to anyone with information that led to them.

Some streamers online tried to put out feelers and so did some kid out in the sticks and he informed other, more rural friends. Some other golds checked drone reports again, you know, in case you were too much of “cerulean n00b” to even do it right. Still nothing. Polypa said she hadn’t seen anything on online assassination forums and had checked with a few others your matesprit knew. This was also how you learned about Polypa being an assassin. You found those forums and checked threads not available to people of either of your castes. This is how Polypa learned you were a ha- an information specialist. You tried Dieman and he told Elwurd, who he said knows everyone and she already knew from one of the jades. Galekh messaged you first after his kismesis told him what was up. You didn’t have any news for him. And morning was coming.

And you wouldn’t. Good things don’t happen to people who disappear on Alternia and that fact weighed especially heavily on you. You always knew throughout the duration of your relationship with them that it wouldn’t last, you both came into it knowing that. It was cool. You both knew it was temporary. And you told yourself that it was because you would get sent up to space and not because of anything happening to them, because look at them. They are fine, they have always been fine. They go out more than you do and are a danger prone alien on Alternia, but they inexplicably survive. So, you would eventually go your separate ways and it would suck but you can deal with it. 

Like what were you thinking you could do? Hide out here? Bring them with you? Best case scenario would be them getting treated more like a pet or exotic little novelty than your matesprit by other people and having to hide them from others or both of your dumbasses would get culled. Plus, they would hate that. They cared about people so much that you couldn’t be the douche who would take them away from their friends just to keep them to yourself. They would resent you for it and you would completely fucking deserve it. You wouldn’t be able to handle that. You were used to being alone and you could go back to easily. Yeah.

But you didn’t want to. It was shitty and you knew you maybe should have thought this through more. It just felt natural to be around them and like you could relax, not because of any blood color bullshit, because how would you even apply that to a species with one color? But they just liked you. They liked your dumb jokes and even started bouncing off of them as they got to know you. They poked fun at you and your messy ass hive, without fear or malice. And that was just so fucking nice having someone look at you and think “Mallek” before “cerulean.” 

They felt safe enough to ask you about Alternian shit that honestly might have gotten their ass kicked if they asked another person, like “hey; what does this frond gesture mean;” before doing an wildly offensive frond gesture they saw someone else do. It was hilarious to you, especially when they taught you human gestures and profanity in exchange. They started coming around more and more and you realized you didn’t mind them around and even started to miss not having them over. It was at this point that you realized you were falling in deep. 

This killed any fucking ability to be smooth as you tried to take things back after realizing how they could be taken or worse, shit you said out loud like an idiot. Luckily, they were just as fucking awkward as you were. After some convoluted bullshit and some level of “I = just joking; unless you !=;” you were in each others’ red quads. There were some cultural differences and shit to work through, but like it wasn’t like either of you two had experience with aliens in this quad. They were really open with other people and trying to help them with their shit and hear them out. Even if they could take advantage of that information, you know they wouldn’t want to. You had to remind yourself of that sometimes. Plus, only your ass could invent “sewer system and chill” as a legitimate activity to talk with your matesprit. You had no idea how they were that patient with you.

You asked them about their planet and were surprised not more people did, maybe they didn’t want them to feel bad? You would compare your planets and theirs sounded pretty chill. Even if they were insane enough to go out during the day. Their sun was supposed to be much less deadly, but that amount of light gave you a pan-ache just thinking about it. 

They had a different education system and adults lived with them and they also had a different romance system. You tried to learn more about that from them since they learned about quads for you and it would be a bulge move of you not to even try. Like it was weird for you, but you guess romance is a hot mess coming from biological and social factors anyways. 

First off, these guys would seem promiscuously pale to trolls and you guys would just seem emotionally constipated to them, which, okay yeah. Maybe. They casually joked about how they wouldn’t be surprised if pale porn was a thing and it was just people hanging out and holding fronds or talking about their feelings. So naturally you were losing it and told them that that was exactly what it was. They seemed surprised and said these were normal things to do in public on Earth. At that, you balked. Here that would get you shamed or culled for public indecency. You guess humans were casually into some freak shit. Like, not even in a quad, just with like some dude you’re kinda cool with? Damn okay. 

Also, they had like a mostly monogamous tier system but just for the red quad? You tried not to get too hurt that you were closer to the bottom tier but you guessed there was a lot more seriousness and baggage based off of how flustered and red they were turning as to you asking why you weren’t a higher tier or how you make that happen. It was cute. Eventually you sort of got it.

Since their adults don’t leave, they lived with quadmates in a hive instead of hoping for the best on ships in deep space which sounded so fucking nice to you. You liked incorporating that part and didn’t realize how weak you were for domestic shit. They stayed with you more often than not since you knew their hive was a death trap. Also, you guessed they needed space so they wouldn’t feel dependent or like they were taking advantage of you. You understood that, but you were still offering. 

They also probably knew there was an approaching expiration date to coming over. So they maintained their hive, even if you wanted them at yours. It was just good and easy and you were having such a great time. You knew you were just making it way harder for yourself just before you left by doing this. But you wanted it so bad that you pushed the ordeals to the back of your pan like if you ignored it hard enough, it wouldn't happen. In some ways you guess you were lucky, as lucky as you could get on that hellhole, you did get a little over half a sweep with them. And then you got your summons and went through your ordeals three wipes after they disappeared. 

Those three wipes were really fucking hard as you were tying up lose ends and getting ready to go while still trying to find out what happened. Most people other than Polypa had given up after a time, and by the end of it you were too. You were still pissed that you couldn’t do anything to find them or figure out what even fucking happened. But you still wanted to do something. You had been working on a way of altering citizen data to remove people from off of the cull list. You had started it for Diemen and you were basically done. You couldn’t do shit for your matesprit, but you could help their moirail. You saw that Polypa was on the cull list since some assholes got bored and decided to burn her hive down and kill her lusus. Through one of the most secure lines you’ve made, you let her know what you wanted to do for her to thank her for trying. She agreed, on the condition that you never speak to her again after it. You accepted.

You saw Galekh before you left. You were clearing out some of the remaining shit from your hive and saw some of his books there. You stopped by his place to give them back. He said this wasn’t all of them. You let him know the rest were probably at their hive and where it was. He looked off and said he was hoping that they would be the one to bring the rest over. Yeah, same dude. You haven’t really seen him since. 

You ran across your piercing and tattoo supplies when you were packing your shit. And you thought back to all of your piercings that you gave yourself. How you gave them extra ear piercings before you started officially dating. They were ready and excited for it at first. You happened to have some extra cerulean studs lying around and offered them up, trying to play it off and saying some dumb shit, “you = already wearing my sign; what = some more of my color on you anyways;” You immediately regretted hatching. You wouldn’t be surprised if a jade dropped your egg, it would explain so fucking much about you. They either didn’t notice or were being really cool about it. 

You were about to do the first one when they stopped you, visibly nervous. You started to say this spot wouldn’t hurt too much. They told you they knew that from their last ones that it wouldn’t but were more concerned about you freaking out. You had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, you said you’ve done this plenty of times before, but that wasn’t it. They were scared of you seeing their blood and freaking out and no longer wanting them around. You said it wasn’t a big deal, Diemen has red blood too and you don’t give a shit. But, they apparently weren’t Diemen’s red, burgundy. Their red was a bright crimson. They paused a bit and played with the hem of your-, their hoodie, before continuing when you just stared at them like an idiot. They didn’t just want to spring it on you and if you wanted them to go because they made you uncomfortable they totally understood and you caught up with yourself and stopped them and said that you already got everything ready and that you didn’t care at all. 

The soft look they gave you went straight to your bloodpusher and you had never felt more pity in your life. You pierced their ears, and they ask you how they looked. You smiled at them, trying to match the expression they had given you, "you look great;" The two of you remained like at until they shyly glanced away and said they were going to go check them out in the mirror. While they were admiring them in the ablution trap, you stared at the red on the cotton balls, a bright, flushed red. They trusted you with this, their blood color. This was their red. 

At least it was, until you could only think of the empire when you saw it. 

They were gone now and soon you would be too. You pulled out your supplies one last time before you left and got ready to give yourself two last piercings. You remembered their enthusiasm at your username and how they thought you were being clever when really you had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. They explained what snake bite piercings were where they came from and you thought it was kind of funny and humored the idea of getting them. You liked the way they looked and would probably really like the way they would look at you with them, enjoying having an inside joke on your face. You just were busy with other things and it just didn’t come up again. Well, until now you guess. You pierced yourself and put in studs that matched the ones you gave them. 

It would be a while until you pierced yourself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Human are pale freaks. Confirmed. 
> 
> Next is Mallek pain part two electric boogaloo.
> 
> Goregle is it punk to stay up during up during the day because you miss your matesprit?


	6. And into the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek joins the fleet and sees a friend of a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a bit and is the most I have every thought about social dynamics on the Alternian fleet between adults.

Be MALLEK ADALOV →

You did your training and you did it well. You kept your head down and did what was asked of you so that people would leave you the fuck alone. The fleet was full of power hungry assholes and even as a cerulean, you were placed closer to other people than you had ever been used to. It was really making you anxious and you felt like you were never truly alone. And it was because you weren’t, especially not in the beginning. 

They kept all of you busy with all of the different combat and training exercises. All of it was just formality and tedium and brutality. You fucking hated it. The worst part was whenever shit happened, your instinct was still to want to tell them about it, maybe joke around about. Do an impression of some sanctimonious, oldass highblood wacking it to the sound of their own voice and their inherent superiority. They couldn’t start a training video without struggling to make it fullscreen, but sure sir, we are definitely in the presence of a greater being. Assholes. 

The new recruits would be sent to planets in the second stage of development for their training. The first stage being, “hey, here is a planet, lets fuck shit up.” This was mainly for experienced soldiers. After the Condesce identified a planet that she wanted, she pointed a webbed frond stump and that was that. If there was no life on it, swathes of lowbloods would be sent to harvest resources with their highbloods overseeing the operation. If there was life and depending on how advanced it was, the planet could be infiltrated with disinformation campaigns or subliminal messaging. Not that they stood a chance, but this just made things more efficient when the inevitable invasion came. Otherwise, highbloods were sent down first to have some fun with the locals. After things were basically property of the empire, the second stage would start and was really just maintaining control. The third and final stage was taking everything of value and eventually leaving the planet barren.

You had fought a lot of strange looking aliens on these worlds and they fought you back with varying levels of effectiveness. You had the scars to prove it. Whenever you approached a new world, you always felt a wave of nausea, hoping that it wasn’t a green and blue world. Hoping that you didn’t have to be complicit in destroying their planet. You were deluding yourself, because even if you were never brought down to Earth itself, all of the shit you did on other planets and your work to maintain the fleet would contribute to it anyways. So far, you were lucky, but you knew that eventually you would hear of some planet with oddly troll-like aliens ripe for the taking. You weren’t looking forward to it. 

Even getting off of the battlefield, there was no real escape from the violence of it all. You just got to come back to some homegrown bullshit on the fleet with the caste system on steroids. You thought Atlernia was bad. And yeah, it was, but at least on Alternia, you had a hive to go back to where you could just take a moment away from it all. You had space. Here, you get to have closer quarters with people just as on edge as you are looking for someone to take it out on. Everyone is so goddamn desperate to prove that they can make it here and are vicious enough to survive that they just sharpen their edges and generally act like the biggest assholes they can to try to ward off bigger assholes. Some try to show off enough to make a name for themselves and every now and then some start some stupid shit and either get themselves culled or get other people culled like they are trying to try to win “Tool of the Sweep.” The prize for winning is a target on your back and maybe someone in command personally choosing you for the honor of kissing their ass. 

Eventually, after training, things calm down as the numbers are lower since the dumb and unfortunate were mostly culled off. At this point, people get assigned to different squads and commands based off of blood color and talent. You had no talents to advertise that wouldn’t get you culled, so back to battle it was. Probably since you got by by being a fucking parody of yourself by playing up the cold cerulean misanthrope bit. You got to go back to the fighting for the prestige of it all. Plus you should have been used to it. 

But really? All of this goddamn destruction was wearing on you. All around you, you heard of the success of the empire’s conquests and how you found your glory on other worlds through the bullshit you did. Like you weren’t parasites on and off world. Everything was just so harsh and rough and cold that it was embarrassing how much you were craving that softness you used to know. After all this though, you knew you didn’t deserve it. They would probably be horrified and you couldn’t fucking blame them. You were having a hard time standing yourself too with all of the fronting you had to do to get by. 

At some point, by some miracle, you were able to help cover a superior’s ass when they had technical difficulties that would have caused them to stop sending and receiving transmissions. It wasn’t too hard of a fix, but they didn’t need to fucking know that. You were recommended to be removed from your current post to one that they felt better fit your skills, effective immediately. 

The dumb, idealistic part of you thought this meant you could maybe get back into hacking or even just programming and do something you wanted to do for a change. Then reality caught up with you when it was just facilitating and encrypting high level communications between different ships and analyzing them to make sure they had the right software and hardware to maintain the security of their networks and finding any gaps and fixing them. Shit that they considered too important and didn’t want to trust a goldblood to see even though it was just as menial and they could do it. Fucking incredible. You got what you wanted. You were now an information specialist in the most pan numbing way possible. You got a title out of it, the Implementer, because how else would they try to sell that glorified mix of communications and IT support for highbloods? At least you got a ship and basic crew out of it. You wished that they could see you now. Actually no. You hoped that if they were still somehow alive that their last memories of you didn’t include you being a piece of shit. 

It was sweeps into this position that you ran into a familiar face who would change your path in life. You had been given an assignment to fix a ship that was such a piece of garbage that you couldn’t even remote in. You had to bring yours out to it to have any hope of salvaging its networks. All the while, ensuring the highblood command that of course this wasn’t their fault. Which was total bullshit. This system should have been completely overhauled sweeps ago. You had just started getting into things and were walking back to your ship to grab something from your office when someone greeted you. 

“Wwwwell, I didn't expect to see you again.” A legislacerator in full garb greeted you dryly.

“sorry; i think you = confusing me for some other guy;” you try to side step her, but she was undeterred. 

She chuckled humorlessly at that, “Wwwwe used to have a mmmmutual friend in commmmmmmmon.”

You then really looked at her, eyeing her suspiciously. You stared at her robes and then finally at the teal bags under her eyes before recognition hit you and you gave her a lazy smile. 

“oh yeah; sorry; it = hard to tell without the socks and sandals;”

You got a genuine chuckle at this, “Wwwwell you don't seemmmm to be in your swwwweet kicks these these nights either.”

“yeah; they aren't exactly regulation; = you saying that's on the same level;

“No. Mmmmine really pushed the perpetually exhausted lawwww student look to another level entirely.”

You laughed at this, “damn; yeah; I can't compete with that;” You continue walking as she falls in step with you, boarding your ship. You were liking this, the easy conversation. You didn’t realise how much you missed it. 

“So wwwwhat brought you aboard that fine vessel?” She gestures with her fronds in a way that implied she has similar thoughts to you about the ship.

You sigh and run a frond through your hair, “network repairs; the whole damn server room should be burned down; you;”

“I ammmm visiting because mmmmy superior is also the ships’ captains’ superior and they wwwwanted to knowwww wwwwhy it's such a dammmmn mmmmess. Bringing in an outside source to legislacerate.” 

You were puzzled at this, “they need a legislacerator to play detective;” The two of you entered your office and she looked around and continued speaking.

“That's the auditterrorizer’s job. This ship should have had the caegers not to becommmme such a security risk. They said they never got it. That or they did and bought some other unapproved shit with it. She figures out at wwwwhat step the mmmmoney disappeared and I figure out who gets culled for mmmmismmmmanagemmmment of immmmperial funds at mmmminimmmmummmm.” 

You look at her. “How = culling is the minimum;” 

She continues on with an unreadable expression. “No, they get culled no mmmmatter wwwwhat. No one gets to wwwwaste any of the empire’s funds. That's basically stealing from wwwwhatever Her Immmmperial Condescention graces you with. It's just how mmmmany mmmmore crimes can be tacked on to really make an exammmmple out of themmmm.” 

You wonder who the them that she is referring to in this scenario is, you thought that this ship's captain was an indigo. But she couldn't actually be out here building a case against a highblood like that. “sounds like a lot of paperwork; you have a good auditterrorizer;”

“One of the best,” she smiles at this.

“you work together long;” you quip as you go through your organized mess, less organized than you remembered.

“Dating even longer. She's my mmmmatesprit. It isn’t usual, but our jobs intersected here.” 

“nice;” 

You've heard of quadranted trolls being able to request to be together on the same ship, actually working together must be interesting. Ah, found it. You lead her back out and start to make your way over to the other ship.

“Wwwwhenever you wwwwrap up wwwwith your wwwork, think can wwwwe catch up?”

You two weren't friends or even really that close, I mean sure, she came through with trying to help you find your matesprit, er ex matesprit. You honestly don’t know how you were able to have such an easy conversation with her. Maybe befriending an alien shows a baseline level of chill that you could vibe with and you had a feeling she wasn’t going to go full patriot on you anytime soon. That or you hadn’t had a real talk with anybody in so long because of your prick routine that whatever she was going to bring up would be comparatively normal. This was kind of an odd request but you had a feeling she wanted to talk about what happened. Not like you had anything else planned after. 

“sure;” The two of you arranged a time and place on your ship because there was no way you were going to do this in an unsecured room. 

“see you later then;”

“I'll let you knowwww wwwwhen I'm on my wwwway Adalov.”

You stiffened when heard a voice coming at you two like a train from down the hallway.

“ZIZI THERE YOU ARE. I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE YOU HAD RUN OFF TO SO THAT WE COU-” and she stops when she sees you and immediately switches into her networking persona. “MY APOLOGIES, STELSA SEZYAT, AUDITERRORIZER.” Smiling, in one deft motion she shakes your hand and gives you her business card. Her grip was surprisingly strong and she was very tall and built for a teal. You pocketed the card. You took it this was the matespirt. 

“mallek adalov; yeah; don't worry about it; i was just leaving.” 

She seemed a bit surprised at you giving your name instead of your title, but she recovered quickly with a practiced, beaming smile. As you walked off you couldn’t resist and turned back around, “bye zizi;”

You heard a snicker and her calling back, “it's Tyzias.” But you were already going, still not out of range enough to not overhear Stelsa asking her who you were with Tyzias saying that she would tell her later. 

Tyzias messaged you a bit after you finished part one of your thankless task. It was more tedious than actually difficult, so you really needed the distraction. She entered the room, glancing around at the apparent chaos. She broke the silence while shaking her head.

“You mmmmake mmmme look like a neat freak.”

“and here i even cleaned up for this;”

She gives you a lopsided grin and takes a sip from a mug she appears to have brought with her and cuts right to it.

“I wwwwanted to talk to you about the alien.”

Mutual friends in the past aside, you weren't dumb enough to incriminate yourself in front of a legislacerator. You still didn’t know what she wanted. She could be recording even if you didn't detect any bugs on her when she walked in. You played it safe. 

“what alien;”

She quirked a brow at you and sighed deeply, taking a long swig of her drink before dryly responding, “The alien you filled your red quad wwwwith wwwwho I knowwwwingly and wwwwillingly repeatedly associated mmmmyself wwwwith and allowwwwed to both exist illegally and also squat on immmmperial property wwwwithout alerting the drones of. You knowwww. That alien.” She gives you a look that would be much more pointed if she weren’t so tired looking. Not that your own eye bags were going anywhere anytime soon. 

Okay, she caught onto that. You kinda feel like an ass now for being suspicious of her. She repeatedly braved their hive trying to find them. 

“that one; yeah;”

“It’s okay, I get it,” she looks off before continuing. “It's nothing surprising. After you left nothing ever cammmme up about themmmm. They just disappeared wwwwithout a trace and wwwwithout anyone hearing from themmmm again. I even checked in wwwwith a fewwww of their younger friends wwwwhen I ran into themmmm again after their ordeals. Just a wwwwhole lot of nothing.” 

Oh. You weren't expecting good news but hearing nothing still stung. At least that way you could put it to rest in your pan. With a deep exhale you respond. “thanks for checking; but i = pretty much over it;”

She looked at you in a way that suggested she didn't believe you were over it. She took mercy on you and said nothing, preferring to take another sip. 

It had been sweeps and as mortifying as it was, you weren't over it. You weren't over them. It wasn’t even the not knowing that bothered you the most. It was really just your own fucking fault for being an idiot who was taking no signs of death to be a sign of life. Those “what ifs” occupied your pan from time to time when not enough work did. Things that you would have, should have, could have done. It was stupid. You’re like some idiot hung up on his dead alien matesprit. Like this should not be stopping you from filling your quads again and it isn't. You’re just a busy guy and you like it that way. You don’t do enough wild shit to feel like you should have a moirail pacifying you and you just are not social enough for auspitism. You still have your duties to the empire and are able to easily find a bucket buddy for drone season. Nothing brings people together like not getting culled. The fact that they leaned pitch was a coincidence. Red stuff was just kinda maybe not doing it for you right now. 

Tyzias interrupts your internal spiral, “sometimmmmes, it doesn’t feel like they wwwwere real. I knowwww they wwwwere, but it just almmmmost seemmmmed to good to be true.”

You didn’t have it in you to agree with her and she continued.

“Sometimes they wwwwould tell mmmme things about their planet and their species. Sommmme of it wwwwas wwwweird as hell. Like it being mmmmostly wwwwater wwwwith no seadwwwwellers? Wwwwhat the fuck even is that?” She smiled and looked down into her mug.

“i remember that one;”

“Sommmme of it wwwwas pretty interesting though.Their planet’s systemmmm used to apparently be a lot like ours. It changed over timmmme though, wwwwhen people got sick of it and wwwwanted it to change. Wwwwhen people mmmmade it change.” She was looking straight at you now with a fierce look. “It isn’t perfect there nowwww, but things immmmproved and apparently still wwwwere immmmproving wwwwhen they left. Immmmagine that.” 

You now realise you were wildly wrong about what she actually wanted to talk about. Swallowing thickly, you responded, “it sounds dangerous to;”

She glances back at her mug and ruefully smiles. “Versus wwwwhat? A never ending space wwwwar?”

“look; if the wrong type of person heard you talking th-”

She cut you off. “Are you the wwwwrong type of person?” Her holding firm.

You looked at her harshly, trying to stare her down, “no;” 

“Didn’t think so.”

“what = it you want tyzias;”

“I wwwwant you to realise you have a lot mmmmore powwwwer than you think.”

“i dont know what they told you about me bu-”

“All they told me is that you don’t really care about the spectrummmm. But it isn’t a really a wwwwild guess about a guy quadranted wwwwith an alien.” She is growing more animated now and you wondered what the hell was in her cup. 

She shakes her head at you, “you’re an informmmmation specialist wwwwith access to high priority mmmmessages and their security. They literally give you ships and tell you to exammmmine them to find their wwwweaknesses and fix themmmm. You are actually in their server roommmm. Howwww mmmmany of themmmm are as tech savvy as you?”

“a gold would be a better choice;”

“A gold wwwwouldn’t be allowed near the shit you are. I ammmm not just talking about hacking.”

"there = some implications in what you = talking about;" 

You had thought about the rebellion. Once you even overheard some lowbloods talking about it. They didn't see you, but you also didn't report them. Everyone is just trying to deal with being out here. Like if it happens, it happens, but you're just trying to keep living quietly and just try to take whatever comes. 

“look; we know the hemospectrum = shitty; but i = taking care of myself;”

At this she glared at you “And wwwwhere is that getting you? Wwwwhere is it really getting you?”

“not culled;”

She chuckles darkly, “And the ones wwwwho are getting culled? Lowwwwbloods? It is not even just lowwwwbloods. Howwww about people wwwwho are mmmmarked as cull on site. Like aliens?”

That struck a nerve, “that = dirty and you know it;”

She softened slightly, but maintained her intensity. “They wwwwere mmmmy friend too Mmmmallek. Are you pissed off enough to actually wwwwant to do sommmmething about it? Do you even like wwwwhat you do here?"

"liking doesn't have anything to do with it; i dont have the energy for that;" 

She grimaced and gestured towards herself, "and I do?" 

She looks away from you now, back to her mug. "I ammmm going to be here for the next two wwwwipes. I ammmm not asking for an answwwwer today, but if you change your mmmmind, you knowwww howwww to contact mmmme. I can showwww mmmmyself out.”

She left you alone with your thoughts.

You couldn’t sleep that day or the next few days after that. Tyzias’s words stuck with you as much as you wanted to forget them. You just wanted to get by. You were covering your own ass, just like every other fuck here. As much as you wanted to say you weren’t as bad as other highbloods because it isn’t like you were malicious or anything, it was just stupid. Like if the only thing separating you were your thoughts that that just wasn’t practically much. Were you going to fucking pat yourself on the back for not culling strangers? For being a distant authority instead of a vicious one with your crew? 

You used to love fucking with the system on Alternia and now you were another cog in it. Even then, that was just for yourself. This was a whole other level and this shit scared you. It really did. But you guessed that this is maybe how other castes get to feel all the time. Fuck. You really have spent a lot of time trying to get comfy and isolate yourself from everything else you don’t like. Like the empire. You get to chill on your ship and remote in most places so you don't have to deal with others. Do you even like your job or hate it less than the old one? Like it's a lot better, yeah. But it still isn't really what you want to do. Does anyone get what they want to do? You could maybe get to hack again, but were you ever really even that good at it? Would you even be fucking shit up in earnest? You don’t know.

And you wouldn’t know until the two wipes were almost up. Your own anxious thoughts had been keeping you up most days. It was terrifying, but you told Tyzias that you would join the rebellion. 

It was really nerve wracking at first. You were hiding programs in software you installed, that they wanted you to install and were all too happy to have you do. You were planting bugs on ships and learning more about their communications through them. You were getting a lot of data and were steadily learning who talks with who, where orders come from, how often and when people expect to receive transmissions. This combined with some of your old knowledge was helping you learn more about drones too, because that habit was apparently never going to die. It was easy to have additional, unapproved supplies delivered alongside legitimate orders. No one would notice things they didn't know exist being skimmed from the top. It was stressful. It was exhilarating. 

What really freaked you out was how quickly it became easy for you to do. Not the technical part, you were great at covering your tracks and hadn’t done anything to outwardly raise suspicion with anyone, but more how you just weren’t giving a shit. Sending out highly encrypted messages that were even then written in some kind of code was just second nature now. You were still scared, but you’ve been scared. Not even as much as other people have been. Weirdly enough, being a hacker for the rebellion gave you something to do that you actually wanted to do. It started off with you just wanting to do the work, but the cause itself was also growing on you too. You don't think you'd ever have the same passion as Tyzias, she exhausts herself caring so much while doing her job as well as her "side projects." Yours right now was improving and updating the program you made sweeps ago that would remove people off of cull lists. 

It turns out that the more things change the more things stay the same. Despite everything the fleet had put you through, you were still an edgy recluse, according to Tyzias at least. 

In all of the time that you had been working on your side job, there had been no incidents on your end. You thought you might have had some close calls, but you were always able to stay cool and came out just fine. You tried to have plans and contingencies for nearly everything. You stayed within the confines of what you knew you could control. You had done a lot and seen even more at this point so you figured you would be able to deal with things as they came. And for a long time, this was true. 

You were starting to wonder if you had gotten overconfident when you saw the last thing you thought you would ever see again in your office that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case people think I don't also love Tyzias. I do. That doesn't change the fact that her quirk is killing me and I keep editing this everytime I noticed I missed a w or m. 
> 
> Also if I didn't already have a kind of theme going with these two chapters, this one would have been, "quit your job, join my punk band."


	7. Is there turbulence in space? Just asking for a friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader flexes their friend making muscles and has a startling revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back with MSPA Reader having some thoughts and feelings.
> 
> They experience some coherent thoughts for the first time in a while and that can be super disorienting.

The walk back to the storage area is largely uneventful since you didn't really have much left in you to say or any energy to say it. Yleeda let you follow behind her and if she could tell you had been crying, she didn't say anything. She actually wasn’t really talking in general. Maybe she was startled by you being a robot. Last time, that lie went well until it didn’t so maybe this time it won’t be great until it is? That is how that works, right? Yeah.

Because you just aren’t doing great right now. He just, he just didn't know you. And he was so short with you? There was none of that easygoing or calm Mallek that you remembered, the one you felt like you could talk to about anything. He was just so sterile and cold. He had you on edge the whole time you were in there with him and that fact really freaked you out. You knew you weren't going to get any of your dreams coming true, but that wasn't even a reunion. It was an interrogation. 

You were just something weird that wandered on board his ship to him. This really wasn’t doing wonders for your, “what if you meant a lot more to me than I meant to you” fear. What if being with you was just a fun thing to do as a distraction and pass the time before going to space? Like you being an alien just kept things interesting and really you could have been swapped out with any other human on earth and nothing would have changed. 

It wasn’t that the two of you never talked about it, ignoring it wasn’t going to make the ordeals go away, but you thought you had at least gotten him to be honest with you about genuinely caring about you and wanting to spend whatever time you had together. That meant so much to you at the time and now here you were hating yourself for wondering if that was just maybe to keep you around. 

But that still doesn’t make any sense because Mallek never played with people like that. You don't think he had the energy or patience for it with how much other work he gave himself. He mostly kept to himself. What if he changed a lot more than you knew, or worse, you never actually knew him?

You needed a distraction. 

You looked over at Yleeda still leading the way in front of you and wondered who she used to be before joining the fleet. You tried to picture a younger, smaller her. You would have tried to befriend her, if you could. She seems like she would have been good friend material. You probably would have tried to help her with her personal stuff, whatever it was. Would that have changed who she was today or always so stern and direct? I mean you saw her soften up a bit around Etivor. So did she just have to be that way? The fleet changes people, you know that, but just by how much? The old Mallek you knew got uncomfortable whenever people got formal with him and tried to put others at ease. The one you just met didn't even react to it. 

Yleeda probably felt how hard you were staring at her given how she turned around to look at you with a concerned face, meaning her eyebrows were furrowed together and her frown was even slightly less apparent. You looked away and immediately regretted it. She was probably unsure of what to make of you and you being unfriendly wasn't going to help. Plus, if you think that there is a chance you could have been friends with her in the past, there is no reason not to try to be friends now, even on the imperial fleet. You trying to make friends in strange places is your trademark and it would probably help take your mind off of things, plus, even if other people might have changed, you are still the same friend loving thembo you have always been! You don't want to lose that part of yourself just because you're in a new place with terrifying people. Really, this is such a normal thing for you at this point that you are honestly embarrassed at yourself for even hesitating. This doesn't even come close to breaking into the top ten most life threatening situations you've been in. So you consciously looked back at her and genuinely smiled at her, thinking your friendliest friendship thoughts for good measure. 

The two of you share eye contact that you believe is very meaningful. It is held for a second before she turns back and continues looking forwards. 

This might take longer than you thought since adults seem to be more guarded. Maybe it's like how in kindergarten it's easy to make friends with people since there isn't really any conflict in your life and you're all just chilling with juice boxes and getting really excited about arts and crafts. 

This is maybe more like the workforce where you make a good first impression at the office and then have to spend the next few weeks trying to figure out who is cool and won't narc on you for dumb shit and who casually brings up their kids' achievements when you're around as subtle way of asking what the fuck is wrong with you. Yeah you don't have kids, but even if you did, you would never pointedly talk about how proud you are of them taking the next step in life by getting pregnant to Yleeda while implying she doesn't have her shit figured out. No, you would mind your own business and make small talk, because you aren't a rude bitch. Wow. You didn't realize you still had some feelings about that old job. Anyways, you probably just need to drop hints you aren't a total douche. 

Hey Yleeda. 

"What?" 

Thanks for walking me over to the store room. 

She curtly replies, "I am f()ll()wing my ()rders."

Also for bringing me over to the captain. 

You avoid thinking about how well that went. 

She shrugs, "It is what I had t() d()."

And making sure I didn't get put in the trash. I really enjoy not being on fire so you really did me a solid there. So that was pretty cool of you. 

Joking about your mortal peril actually got a chuckle out of her and you are now half jogging to keep pace with her in a way that lets you see her face. You weren't fast enough to see her laugh, but if you did it once you can definitely do it again! 

"Y()u are very clearly labeled s() it sh()uld have been ()bvi()us." She shakes her head, now smirking and looking off to the side and you think you know what, or who she is thinking about. Since your view is no longer blocked by her, you try to get a better understanding of your surroundings. 

The hallways are getting a bit more familiar as they narrow and you notice you've been here before with Etivor. Guess the place really looks different right side up. Trolls pass by, often doing a double take at you. You try to smile and wave to as many of them as possible since you never knew who could be friendly and boy are you ready for friends right now. They mostly looked away when you made eye contact, but you are sure at some point you will just be one of the gang and first impressions matter. 

But to do that, you need someone to vouch for you and say you're cool to hang with the rest of the crew. They probably won't say that. Or that you're cool. But like a simple, "yeah, they're alright I guess" should do it. Your best shot is probably with Yleeda. She seems to like being professional so let's stick there. You can be very professional too. 

So what is your job here?

"I am a requisti()nal deliv()reater."

You now feel more confident in your professionalism since you're pretty sure you heard the word "vore" in there and didn't even react.

What does that mean? 

"It means after requisiti()n requests are put in, up()n their delivery t() ()ur craft, I and ()thers in my r()le take them ()n b()ard, receive and pr()cess them, update invent()ry, and make any necessary deliveries."

Again with the formality. It sounds like she is reading this off of her resume. Maybe being professional is what she knows and you need to get more into her and what she likes? 

Do you like it? 

"It is my j()b."

Damn it. Okay. One more time. 

What do you do for fun? 

"F()r fun?" She seems suspicious, but she hasn't stopped you yet. 

Yeah, like in your free time, what do you like to do? Like a hobby or something? 

You aren't going to lie, you are half expecting her to say she reads training manuals or just to say she doesn't have any free time to shut you up. 

"I'm my appr()ved recreati()nal time? I knit."

You knit? 

"Yes," she looks like she is daring you to say something. 

That's really neat! I have another friend who knits! What do you knit? 

She seemed to be caught off guard by your enthusiasm, "Sweaters m()stly. Space is c()ld."

Space is very cold! 

She doesn't say anything back after your very enthusiastic agreement. But hey, you're definitely getting somewhere. 

You got to experience open space a few times and the cold definitely made an impression on you. So did the vastness and emptiness. While a sweater wouldn't have stopped those bad ends, it would have definitely made them a little bit nicer. 

The two of you arrive in what you think is the entrance to the storage area. She again types in a keycode and the doors slide open. You walk in and the room is laid out like a smaller version of a big box store with supplies packed tightly on shelves reaching the ceiling. There appears to be a few side rooms as well.

"We are n()w in the st()rage bay," she sighs a bit before continuing, "I d()n't kn()w what y()ur requirements are as a r()b()t, but let me kn()w which st()re r()()m best suits them and I will prepare it f()r y()u." She gestures at the different doors and she takes you through them. Most of them are the size of smaller rooms and are packed to the brim and you would feel like a pretty big dick making her move all that. One room, however, sticks out to you. It is small, more along the size of a double door bedroom closet and is similarly full. 

Hey, what's in this one? 

"That ()ne?" She seems surprised at your choice. "It's where we keep ()ur cleaning supplies. Is this the ()ne y()u want?" 

Yeah, I don't need much space. I'm pretty compact. 

"That y()u are," if she's pleased that this is less work than she thought, she doesn't show it, and gets to work. It is going pretty fast given there isn't much in there and she is again, jacked as hell. You try to chat her up as she does so. 

So is this where all robots on board go? 

"T()my kn()wledge, you are the ()nly r()b()t we have had ()n b()ard. H()wever, my kn()wledge ()f package c()ntents extends t() that ()f ensuring that specific transp()rt requirements are f()ll()wed."

God, you got so lucky with John. Like you know she isn't strictly a mailman but she does take on a lot of mailman like duties and is just so professional about it. Maybe if you met her before you could have done a more convincing job faking it. She is even sweeping it out a bit for you, like she is committed. She is twice the delivery, er, delivorey man you ever were. Which you know, zero times anything is zero, but what you are trying to say here is, she is good. 

"Is this sufficient?" The closet is empty and clean and you realize this is basically where you will be sleeping today. It won't be the worst place you have slept in, but you still want to try to see if you can put something between yourself and the cold metal floor. 

Yeah it's great! Thank you so much! But uh, just wondering, since you deal with deliveries and stuff, do you have like, I don't know, extra packing materials? 

"Y()u want packing materials?" She raises a brow at this. 

Or like a tarp or something. 

Narrowing her eyes at you, she asks, "why?" 

Delicate circuits and stuff. And you know with the um, turbulence. 

"Turbulence?" 

Turbulence. 

She isn't even trying to hide the look she's giving you. I mean you feel like that was a solid reason, you've dealt with turbulence while flying on airplanes because of things getting really windy. Ah. 

Because you were in an atmosphere. With air. And you are in space. Where there is none. 

Fuck.

It is a preventative thing, like in case of some solar winds, or docking, or landing to get supplies. You know. 

You don't know enough about space to know if any of that was at all legitimate sounding. 

"()kay then," she still looks like she doesn't think that sounds quite right, but she also probably doesn't know enough about robots to argue with you. Nice. She brings some stuff over and you find some very choice sheets of bubble wrap and Styrofoam. Aw. She even brought you a tarp. You were getting through to her, you could feel it. She stands around watching you fuss with their placement in your closet with what you're hoping is interest. Eventually you're happy with it. 

Thank you again for everything Yleeda, I appreciate all your help tonight.

"()f c()urse. N()w if y()u will excuse me, we are appr()aching the day shift."

Sure, didn't mean to hold you. Maybe I will see you around the ship? 

She gives you a noncommittal hum as she leaves. Yeah, she totally wants to see you again. In one night you went from abject disgust to a vague sense of tolerance. You still got it. Just flexing the ole friendship muscles. 

You settle down in your closet and you realize how exhausted you are. You get as comfortable as you can in your tarp. You kinda folded it back into a sleeping bag looking thing and even left out some material on top and had rolled it into a makeshift pillow. You put it on top of the packing materials, sandwiching the bubblewrap between the Styrofoam so you weren't popping it as much. Now this was some luxurious shit right here. You heard somewhere that sleeping on hard surfaces is good for you and oh boy your back is never going to give out with how much roughing it you have been doing. Like a lot of other things can kill and have killed you, but anything back related? You don’t think so. Still, it is nice to have a little break from it. 

You got snug and were left alone with your thoughts, which was never great, you start trying to shove that shit down, because you are tired and already had enough emotions for the night, thank you very much. You can just deal with it later. You can do this. 

Okay no. You aren’t doing this.

Instead, tonight, you are going to take a bold move and try thinking things through for once. 

Worst case scenario, you just end up feeling like garbage, which tonight especially, is nothing new. So really, you need to suck it up and try. Because even if it wasn't great, you got this far didn't you? 

So, if you were able to zap here, it meant that you were at least mentally able to lock on to him with some degree of accuracy. That he wasn’t secretly an asshole the whole time and that you are getting upset for nothing when you have plenty of other valid things to get more upset about. Like Doc Scratch. The real asshole.

You lost your memories. Did Doc Scratch do the same to everyone who ever had the misfortune of knowing you? Do things ever happen to them that seem familiar for reasons they don’t remember and then they feel empty for reasons they don’t understand? This makes you feel a twist of guilt inside of you. No one ever knew what you were talking about when you tried to describe the feeling that losing your memories caused you, and you wanted someone, anyone, to understand, but not like this. You didn't want this. You didn’t want to bring down everyone who ever tried being nice to you on Alternia. They didn’t deserve it. Mallek didn't deserve having it hurt to just look at you. You needed to think about something else before you start going on an internal spiral. You are already kinda starting to do it, but not tonight brain. You had your time to feel bad and now you need to figure out what the fuck happened here. 

It was just hard to do that with the thought of having hurt Mallek once back then emotionally and then again now emotionally and physically from the pain of having someone you weren't supposed to remember in front of you. You knew that sorrow and agony so well at this point that you wouldn't wish it on anyone you hated, let alone you someone you loved. 

It just hurt. 

It hurt a lot. 

Wait. It hurt. Like it physically, actually hurt you. 

You shot up in your cot at this realization and you could feel your heart rate skyrocket as your thoughts raced inside of you. 

Mallek didn't have his memory wiped. 

Because when yours were wiped, there was some physical hurt at trying to remember things you weren't supposed to. Actually seeing an old friend, that would have been excruciating. 

He was pissed and suspicious and that was bad, but didn't look like he was in physical pain. And you forget how alien he is sometimes! As a human, if you get a headache when you see someone that's weird, but you wouldn't think it's their fault. Because humans aren't psychic and that shit is fake on Earth. On Alternia, there are actually psychic trolls who can cause psychic damage, so if your ass walked in there and he was immediately in a world of pain, it wouldn't have been a stretch to think you were the one causing it. He wasn't incapacitated at all so he would have tried to get you to stop that shit or call you out on it. So it wasn't the same pain, not even close. 

He didn't have his memories wiped. 

You were overcome with relief. You weren't in the worst case scenario. 

But that doesn't mean he didn't forget you. 

Well, that relief didn't last. 

Okay, but at least this isn't permanent memory loss. Either he genuinely doesn't remember you or he is just acting like he doesn't. 

You don't know which one is worse. 

Hey. No. Focus. You were getting somewhere here. 

If he doesn't remember you, yeah that hurts, and you definitely feel like you would remember dating an alien of all things. Like that would really stick out to you and trolls seem to be taken aback by you so it isn't like you don't stand out. No troll who saw you tonight is going to be confusing you for anyone else on board the ship anytime soon. 

Maybe you could get him to remember you, talk about things you did together. You still had your piercings in that he did with the studs he gave you. Maybe that would help jog his memory. You couldn't help but to think back to him, how you had your crying outburst after he told you he didn't want to hear it. He softened at that, he saw how upset you were getting and calmed down. If there was nothing there, he should have gotten angrier. He could remember more than you think. 

Maybe he remembered something and he remembered you and was angry about how you disappeared one night. 

Maybe he thought that this was too good to be true and that you weren't real and this was a joke or a trap or something. 

Maybe he didn't want to remember you and was just done with that part of his life. 

Maybe he was scared that you were just going to disappear and hurt him again. 

You were scared of that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, s() um, I think the captain apparently l()w key b()ught a custom made r()b()t ()n the internet that unsurprisingly has m()re pers()nality than him and I super d() n()t want t() kn()w why. " - Yleeda Vulfen, probably
> 
> Am I willing to crank out 3,500 words over the course of a day for no tangible reward? - Yes
> 
> Am I willing to look up if space turbulence is a thing to try to maintain some accuracy? - Absolutely not


	8. I miss my matesprit Tyzias. I miss them a lot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek reflects on his evening and things that are too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Mallek pain and angst.
> 
> Aka: neither gets to sleep because of the other.

Be MALLEK ADALOV →

You always thought that you would get to be aware of when your "last times" with them would be. That after you got your summons to go on your ordeals that along with getting ready, packing up, selling and getting rid of stuff, that you would also be able to plan some things with them to give the two of you a few more good memories. That you could plan your last hoverboard ride, last time getting take out and watching bad movies, the last "sewer system and chill" talk. You didn't get to have that. You didn't like that you already had had them and you didn't even know it. Not that they were bad times, you just would have gotten to remember them more if you actually knew and could try to make them special somehow. 

You knew that they were going to be alright without you, that they already had a moirail and social network bigger than yours ever was that would be able to support them through you leaving the planet. It wasn't going to be great, but they already survived plummeting through Alternia's atmosphere, so they could definitely handle some heartbreak. 

They would still have people with them while you were alone again. With their disappearance, you just happened to be alone sooner than you thought you would be, sooner than you had planned on. You were really hoping that they would be with you when you had to return your lusus to the brooding caverns. Riding home alone after that was tough. 

You weren’t in the right panspace to keep coding and the cool slime of your recuperacoon didn't bring any relief when you slid into it. You had always slept in a recuperacoon big enough for two. You liked being able to have your space and stretch out in it and you were never really too aware as to how big it really was. This is until you stopped sharing it with another person. After that, it looked more empty than it did inviting. You try to settle in for the day as you collect your thoughts. 

You are Mallek Adalov, the Implementer, captain of the Zamenace, hacker in the rebellion, former wearer of sweet kicks, and even when things get rough, you can keep your composure and this is a point of pride for you. You staying calm and collected has gotten you through and will continue to get you through a lot. 

At least you are trying to tell yourself this as you sink deeper into your recuperacoon's slime as you recognize you might be, maybe, moderately, freaking the fuck out right now. 

Okay. 

So, you weren't expecting that. You really weren't expecting that. 

Your plans for the evening were to come back to some code you were working on for a ship in a nearby sector. Maybe grab some food from the recent restock and replenish the mini hungertrunk in your office. Nothing special. Having someone ping you while you were working was nothing uncommon and it being for some menial shit was pretty typical. Occasionally, things fall through the cracks and undocumented inventory would occur. 

Maybe someone forgot to check a box or something and you might get inventory that you didn’t order, like that one time you got a 48-pack of mild grub sauce, which is disgusting and you would never willingly subject yourself or your crew to. You once got single-sided circuit boards when you ordered the double-sided ones and that was annoying. By protocol, you, as captain, have to be made aware of this for documentation purposes and it is honestly just such a waste of time, but it only takes a minute so whatever. Can't have anyone stealing shit you never wanted in the first place you guess. So you were expecting Yleeda to come in with something in a similar vein. Maybe the wrong kind of some food product or some junk you didn't order.

Not something claiming to be your ex-matesprit. 

You were not expecting that and to put it lightly, you were not having a good time right now.

Nothing is fair on Alternia. But losing them the way you did was especially unfair. 

You knew your time on Alternia was coming to an end with each passing night. As much as you were hoping for it, you just weren't going to find a way to totally control the drones and overpower the heiress. Honestly, you knew you didn't even really want it, the overpowering the heiress part at least, you are never going to stop fucking with drones. On some level you knew that it was a dumb, escapist wriggler dream. Like what, you own the drones and the heiress and then take over Alternia? And do what? 

You never wanted to control the whole planet, you just wanted to be in control of what happened to you. And you couldn't even manage that. It was easier for your dumbass to try to aspire to some unrealistic goal that sounded wild and then when you couldn't reach it, it still sucked, but you weren't really expecting it to happen because you knew it sounded crazy to try in the first place. "I couldn't overtake the heiress" and "I couldn’t have any control of my life" are two thoughts that hit very differently. What the fuck does it even say about you that that was the only way you could imagine taking back some semblance of control?

Then you met them. Or you abducted them and pushed them into some water and they were very cool about it. You had a friend and then a matesprit and had new things to look forward to at home. You had someone who was always down to do dumb shit with and you could talk to about anything you and it was great and terrifying because you had a lot more to lose. Fuck, the hardest part of your relationship was being afraid of losing them through their own shenanigans. You were both independent people and had your own lives and you really appreciated that. But between being an alien on Alternia and who they fundamentally were as a person, you were really fucking concerned for their safety. 

Like they would come back to your hive and tell you about their night and it was always something wild and you were laughing. But you were also keeping a mental tally of "at how many points in that story they should have realistically been culled at." However worried you might have been, you were never going to try to control them. They could take care of themselves and knew that you were there for them. You had their location and they had enough friends that could watch their back. Things continued on like that for the entirety of your relationship. They were seemingly invincible with all of the bullshit you knew they had gone through. Until they were gone. 

After they had disappeared everything changed so quickly and you just felt like you were drowning. You were anxious about your upcoming ordeals and they were gone and you couldn't find them and your hive was becoming less and less familiar as it was becoming less yours each night and then your lusus was gone. 

And then you were gone. 

The fleet was terrible and you missed them and your lusus and your hive and even as shitty as Alternia could be, it was still home and you missed it too. Even if everyone else felt the same way, any troll would rather be culled than admit it. They would definitely be culled if they did admit it. 

Whenever you had enough of the fleet you wondered if you really did enough with trying to own the drones because you clearly didn't do enough for them. It didn't feel like you were actually doing anything other than doing what you knew was expected of you to get by. You were just doing what you had to to survive and even then you felt pretty stuck. You weren’t particularly power hungry, you just wanted enough to where you could more or less do your own thing without some other highblood breathing down your neck, and you were there now. As much as you wanted to move on and as easier as things would be for you to move on, there just really wasn't much to move on to. 

More than enough time had passed for you to get over it. Yeah, losing your matesprit was hard and you had a weird time after where you were wondering if they were really gone or if you just didn't look hard enough. This left you in a nebulous "are we still together or are you dead" scenario and your naive, stupid hope that they, against all logic and reason, were somehow still out there alive. They survived worse and you didn't even know what happened so how could you say whether or not they could have survived it? So maybe it felt wrong trying to move on and you didn't know when it would be right to try to start. When would you even give up? Like how you’ve given up on drones? Fuck.

Again, you were being dumb because it ultimately didn't matter since you were a part of the fleet now so you definitely couldn't be with them again and if you ever saw them again, it would be on their planet and you don't think they would ever forgive what you were doing there. 

Who knows? Maybe you missed the idea of them more than them, the comfort of someone you already had history with. Someone who you knew you were safe with and you could be open around. You haven't felt safe in a while. You want to feel safe again, but you guess you'll settle with feeling productive. When Tyzias got you to join the rebellion, as dangerous as it was, it gave you a challenge. It gave you something to do that you liked and keep your mind off of things. Instead of just going through the motions, you actually were doing something more dynamic again. It kept your mind off things and was helping you move forward. 

So hearing that voice again, hearing them say they were a robot like that. The way they looked at you when you finally turned around, smiling at you like you were the only person in the universe, just big and dorky and genuine. Just like they used to. That knocked you back sweeps and for a moment, you were an excited douche in the back of a limo thinking he finally found the answer to all of his problems in the form of a cute robot again. 

And then reality caught up with you immediately, before you could even fully look at them, at it. 

There was no way that it could be real. 

When you were alone with it, when you looked at it, when you really looked at it, it looked like no time had passed for them when you knew it had been sweeps. 

The hoodie looked like it was in the same condition as when you last saw them in it. You even noticed the repair from the seam was coming undone on the right shoulder, done by someone they called their "mom friend." Their face looked the same, maybe some bruises faded and scars getting lighter. The tiny scar by their left mandible caused by an overexcited clownlet's horn was there and also looked a bit faded. Their tiny pink claws were tipped with slightly longer little white crescents. Their hair was disheveled but didn't seem to be much different length wise. You knew you had grown a lot since you last saw them and they appeared to be the same height. It was almost comical to see them next to you. 

It looked like they had barely been touched by time. 

There was no way that it was them. 

But goddamn they looked so real. 

You wanted it to be real so bad. 

Someone really wanted you to think that it was real. 

It spoke with their voice. It even knew things, things about you, about them. It knew their name, how they got the hoodie, where their old hive was, and then how it somehow magically got on your ship. And even worse, it told you everything you wanted to hear. How it was apparently was worried about you and wanted to see you again but couldn't because of some bullshit. How it never stopped wanting to see you and was happy to know you were alright. And as it spoke in their voice, copying how soft and seemingly incapable they were of hiding their emotions, you felt your blood boil and you were experiencing a rage like you had never had before. 

How fucking dare they. How dare this fucking cheap copy of the real thing come on to your ship looking like your matesprit and speak to you in their voice and mock you like that. Someone had some fucking nerve trying this shit with you. To take what you wanted so desperately and to use it against you. To hit you where it really hurt by getting this low. And they were expecting you to fall for it? What? To take it into your arms and hold it? To tell it you missed them and ask what happened? Probably to get you to say something back to it, anything incriminating. 

At this point there is only one logical explanation. You don't know when and you don't know how, but you have been compromised. At some point you got sloppy or overconfident and slipped up and someone caught on to your work for the rebellion and found out about the alien and wanted to try to use that against you. 

Only in an empire where “”cruel and usual punishment” is a crime, would you expect this sick kind of joke. Maybe you never found them because they were taken somewhere. They were wearing your sign so it couldn’t have been hard to put two and two together. And it knowing personal things? Well, you know from your time in the fleet that the empire has mastered the brutal art of interrogation. You know how much they cared about their friends and about you, how resistant they would be to selling anyone out on principle. You don’t want to imagine what had happened to them to make them talk, especially that intimately. The thought of it makes you feel sick. And now, you have this shit on your ship, watching you and your crew. What even is it, some kind of advanced spybot made to look like another person? Fucking great. Once you were looking for a robot to solve all your problems, now you had one delivered to you to cause you a whole set of new ones. It would be hilarious if you didn’t feel like you were on the verge of a breakdown. 

You had Yleeda take that, that, thing out of your office, you didn’t trust yourself not to do anything stupid and make things worse with it still around. You wanted to contact Tyzias to let her know about the situation. That would have been a rookie mistake and they were likely counting on you to get emotional and try to track any outgoing communication from the ship to find other members of the rebellion. You couldn't bring her down with you. Not after all she has put into this and done for you. 

So you guess now you are stuck with this thing on board. All you can do right now is cover your tracks more carefully than ever before. You are going to have to encrypt the shit out of everything and try to detect what kinds of signals it is sending and using. You have to try to limit the amount of damage it does while on board your ship, and if you can, try to figure out how much it knows so you can try to warn the others. All the while, having it look at you and talk to you. Like them. Fuck, you haven’t been this stressed out since you got your damn summons.

There was a point where you would have done anything to see them again. Anything to talk to them again or hear their voice. And now you got what you wanted and it revolted you to see someone you wanted so badly twisted like this. The worst part was it had actually started to get under your carapace. No matter what kind of bullshit about the moon or something it was spewing, the sound of your matesprit crying got to you. It really did and you can’t deny the pangs of pity it sent straight to your bloodpusher and how you just wanted to apologize and comfort them. Like a moron. You hated yourself for being weak to this thing, like it could ever replace them. 

Even worse, you are disgusted with the part of yourself that is even thinking of entertaining this bullshit. The desperate, stupid part of you screaming, but what if it really is them? What if it was really them after all this time and they were telling the truth because so much weird shit has already happened to them that how much of a stretch was lunar abduction and getting new powers? What if you were fucking everything up by pushing them away with your paranoia and were just going to lose them twice?

With how things have been going for you in life, between “imperial spybot sent here to ruin everything you’ve worked for and get you culled” and “alien matesprit that vanished one night crossing time and space because they were just that fucking flushed for you” you know which one is more likely. 

That doesn’t mean you don’t hopelessly want the other possibility to be real.

You don’t think you are going to get any sleep today and you become aware the slime in your recuperacoon still feels too cold. 

Oh. You didn’t turn the slime heater on.

You pretend you don’t know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blackout by Muse is a great song to imagine listening to while slow dancing and sobbing into the arms of your alien matesprit in the Alternian sewer system one last time while reflecting on the futility of your relationship and despair at how no amount of love between you two can save it. 
> 
> God. I need to write a more light-hearted chapter at some point.


	9. They don't even have Geneva Conventions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader explores the ship and makes a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that the titles of my chapters have literally no correlation to the content of the chapter or the amount of seriousness contained within.

You guess you got a break from your thoughts and fell asleep at some point yesterday based off of how you were very snugly wrapped up in a tarp. 

Wait, tarp? 

Oh yeah, the tarp. Yleeda helped you with that. That was really nice of her, even if her boss made her do that. Guess last night wasn't all a dream. You really did manage to find Mallek and have it blow up in your face almost not immediately. Really cool how that was a thing that happened. 

But still, you aren't giving up, not after all that has happened and all you have put him through. You at least owe him an explanation. You just found him again! You really aren't going to get anywhere with him being that mad though. He didn't want to listen to a thing you said. You probably just really surprised him and he just doesn't know how to cope. You did just kinda spring your continued existence on him after you don't even know how long. He likely thought you had died and had already mourned you and he could need a moment to process this. You need to be a little more considerate. 

Maybe you can just give him some space tonight and try talking to him again later after he calms down? Yeah. He has to calm down eventually. He just needs some time to cool down and think things through and after that, you guys can have a talk, a real one this time and you are sure that he will realize that despite everything, it really is you and he will have to come around. He has to. You're positive of it. You need him to. 

You start to stretch very carefully considering how this was still a closet, as cozy as you have might have made it with your absolute fucking mastery over bubble wrap. 

Wait, were you just going to have to chill in here all night? Mallek just said to store you somewhere, but he didn't say that you had to stay there. Even if he did, he isn't your captain. You aren't his subordinate or even an Alternian citizen so he definitely can't tell you what to do. Foreign authorities can't order around non-combatants, that shit sounds like basic Geneva Conventions to you. Which, uh, you are just guessing out loud right now, trolls don't have any reason to follow them. Huh. Damn. 

Well, anyways you aren't just going to stay in here because you were hurting and hiding in a closet has almost never solved anything for you. That would be lame as hell and you have a ship to explore and friends you haven't made yet! How much of the ship do you even remember? Groggily you rub your eyes and yawn. You realize there is some activity on the other side of your door. 

You think you can hear people outside of your door, or wait… a person? It sounds like they are talking to themselves. You press your head against the door, trying to get a better listen. In doing so, the door pops open and you experience the eternity that occurs during the moment before you faceplant. 

And that moment lasts longer as the ground never comes and you feel a strong hand grab the back of your hood.

“Oh sh!t. ! mean.” You are placed right side up and look up at your savior. You recognize Etivor immediately by his tone, followed by his appearance.Thick horns branch out from a mop of messy, curly hair. It is barely restrained by a thin, plastic headband. He is wearing a bronze tank top with a black taurnius sign and gray drawstring shorts and what appears to be black sparkly ...uggs? Wow. You feel like you would have noticed the shoes at least last night but you had a lot going on with him holding you upside and then having to bullshit your way out of immolation, so you’re going to give yourself a break. Somewhere, out there, you firmly believe that the visual impact from this ensemble, would cause enough raw psychic damage capable of sending Kanaya into a rage. Vriska would absolutely not restrain her. Hell no. 

He appears to be noticing you taking, whatever that was supposed to be, in and straightens up. 

“Good even!ng, robot. ! think we maybe d!dn't meet under the best c!rcumstances cons!dering ! thought you were really we!rd looking and shook you at my fellow crewmate, that was unprofess!onal of me and ! apologize. ! w!ll refra!n from shak!ng you at crewmates and !n general !n the future. My bad. S!ncerely. ” His excited lit is now a bit more restrained and the mix of the content of what he is saying and the formality is kind of hilarious. And wait, you were too distracted and could barely hear him over the sound of his outfit to listen to what he was saying. And you still don't believe it. An apology? For what someone did? Unprompted? Here? 

Okay, wow. This is unexpected. You didn't even think to ask for one and are not used to this. This is a really nice start to the night actually. Maybe tonight won't be so bad! You can feel a friendship coming and you can make it happen. 

Uh, yeah, it's cool. We're cool. I appreciate the no shaking me thing. 

"The trash th!ng was also not great, maybe. My apolog!es for overlook!ng your label and for attempt!ng to d!spose of you.”

Yeah… but you didn't!

He cheers up at this a bit, clearly not knowing what to expect from you." ! d!dn't." He perks up a bit, remembering something, "also, ! am Et!vor Petr!s."

You introduce yourself and stand up. Boy this guy is also tall, once, just once, you want to meet a troll who is naturally shorter than you that isn't an actual fucking child. 

"So, um, !f ! am out of l!ne, again ! apolog!ze, but what do you, what !s !t that you do exactly? L!ke as a robot. !t was kinda hard for me to tell." He seems curious as hell. It's kinda nice especially since you didn't think you made the best impression on him when you embarrassed him in front of his pitch crush. Even if he seems to be holding you at a distance because of the sign you're wearing, he seems really interested in you. 

Oh God, you're going to have to lie to him. You feel bad now.

I am sorry, but my functions are very confidential. 

Nonexistent too, but you don't say that. 

"R!ght, cool. !t's upper level stuff, ! totally get !t," he says thinly hiding some dejection. Man, if he is this interested in you, things must be boring around the ship. You wouldn't be surprised if you zapping on to the ship was the most exciting thing to happen here in a while. This guy could likely use some friendly bonding. And while you're not robot, you would like to think of yourself as a lean, mean friend making machine. 

Okay that one was bad and you feel embarrassed for having even thought it. 

But still, you must persevere onwards. For friendship. 

To perform my functions, I need to get an idea of the layout of the ship. Would you have any time to take me around it? 

"Yeah, ! can do that. ! am off ton!ght anyways, as you can probably tell." He gestures towards himself and you nod in a way that you hope shows that you acknowledge this outfit as not his uniform and his choice of lounge clothing and not looking like he raided a sorority girl's closet. 

You thank him and you jog alongside him to keep up. He starts the tour with the same forced stiffness at first but starts to loosen up. He is getting more and more animated as he goes and he is throwing in his personal thoughts and feelings on different things. You hope this is because he too is looking for friendship and not that he lacks a filter when he gets going. He takes you by the ablution traps and you ask him where soap and shampoo is.

"Uh, you have to put !n a requ!s!t!on request !n w!th Yleeda. Why?" 

I am waterproof and like being clean. It is more, uh, optimal. 

He nods very seriously, "sure, sure, ! get you."

You're glad he does because you have no idea what you're saying most of the time. You should probably start working on other excuses for your biological needs. 

He took you through the entire ship and it was really nice actually. It took up most of the evening, but also took your mind off of things. You continue around with him and finally get to what looks like a cafeteria and you see various trolls around eating and talking. Until they see you of course, then they pause and kind of look at each other and get more quiet. They sneak glances at you from time to time. If Etivor notices the atmosphere changing at all, he is unphased and continues on by explaining what everything is. 

"... And that !s where you get the utens!ls and the season!ng and cond!ments are over there. There !s the grub sauce, my favor!te, you can put !t on everything and you really need to on the nutr!t!onal paste. There !s also a lot of the m!ld vers!on here for some reason, but that stuff !s nasty and nobody wants !t. L!ke you do you buddy, but also don't touch !t because ! th!nk !t's old by now? Oh! !'m sorry, !s that rude of me, w!th the food stuff? You don't eat, r!ght?"

You were so taken by the whirlwind of him speaking and the fact that he called you buddy that you almost didn't answer. 

Oh, I do eat! 

"You do? Do you need to? Why?" He is just so rapid fire and you realize how much you must have freaked him out yesterday to get him stuttering and barely able to speak. Whoops. 

I use biofuel, so ships don't need to buy anything extra for me that way. It is a more efficient use of funds. 

Oh yeah, that one sounded extra legitimate, economically speaking. You were practicing it in your head because you have always been passionate about not starving so you need it to work. You know nothing about the economics of space but that makes total sense. Less buying is better right? Saving money? Yeah. 

"Oh! So you can eat with us!" 

God. Invited to a lunch table. You have finally made it boys. And even better, he said us! So more people you can meet. So often you give but now you finally receive. You are trying to not show how absolutely pumped you are about this development and play it cool because you're a cool guy invited to a lunch table. In space. On a spaceship. 

You are about to ask which is the usual table, you know, since you are now a part of this, based on the authority of one of the people who sit there. Before you do though, you get interrupted by the sound of doors slamming open and a very not happy looking Yleeda storming her way through. 

Oh, she is mad. 

And heading straight towards you two. 

Well, the fact that you were even invited means something, right? 

Etivor doesn't seem to be phased and even looks a little giddy as she approaches. 

"I was l()()king f()r y()u everywhere. Where even d-," she started going off on you in a low, even voice that wouldn't show how worked up she was and you wouldn't know it if you didn't see how sternly she was looking at you. Or how she came in here. She stopped and stared before frowning at Etivor. 

"And just what are y()u wearing?" She says exasperatedly, staring at the boots in particular and her frown is turning into a full on scowl. He full on stopped her in her tracks. Wow. He seems to be loving it. 

"Oh? Everyth!ng ! am wear!ng !s regulat!on. No thorax show!ng and closed-toed shoes th!s t!me. Why? You can't really say anyth!ng !f !'m st!ck!ng to the rules. That would mean you maybe had an op!n!on otherw!se. Do you?" He is a parody of nonchalance. 

Wait. 

Did he just imply he was walking around in crop tops and sandals before just to fuck with her?

"I d() n()t." 

"You sure?" He is full on smirking now. "You really sure?" He pops a leg onto one of the chairs at the table assuming a Captain Jack Morgan's stance and gestures to his not uggs. 

She looks like she's about to lunge at him when someone interrupts. 

"Hey, ye@h, c@n you fre@ks not do that here? Some of us @re trying to e@t."

Etivor laughs and puts his leg down and Yleeda's face is turning bronze and she looks like she wanted to strangle him. She eventually huffs and rolls her eyes at him. You guess she is back to business. 

"Next time, Etiv()r, d() n()t just grab it. I was unable t() find the r()b()t and was very c()ncerned."

Aw. She was worried about you. 

"The captain requested it be br()ught ()ver immediately." 

Oh. You are now also worried about you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crew is absolutely taking bets on what the function of the robot is. Yleeda doesn't participate and Etivor just asked them straight up. The fact that the robot's functions are apparently confidential, is making people lose their minds. The gossip continues.


	10. In which grub sauce become relevant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek and MSPA Reader have another talk with mixed results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning the sauce thing until today.

There was a point when you thought that you had already experienced the most awkward interaction of your life that included a troll. 

It was from closer to when you first crash landed on the planet and had less of an understanding of troll biology and family structures. You had been walking around for awhile and were feeling a little bit shitty in between making friends and decided to take a walk through the city to cheer yourself up, maybe meet new people. What you found instead, was what you thought was an adorable, fluffy white cat. It had six legs instead of four, but that didn’t stop any part of your brain from screaming, “kitty!” That led to you making kissy sounds at it in an alleyway as you tried to get it closer to you so that you could try to pet it as it stared at you impassively. What stopped you was a horrified looking troll asking what the fuck you were trying to do to her lusus.

You tried to calm them down, thinking “lusus” was just what they called animals here. Saying, oh this is your lusus? And tried to calm her by saying that you weren’t trying anything weird, you just thought they were really cute and wanted to get them to come closer so that you could pet them. You even asked if you could pet her. This did nothing to soothe the troll as she ran, repulsed, shoving you out of the way, and scooping up her lusus, absconding like you had never seen before.

It was only much later that you realized that you basically told her that you weren’t trying anything weird, you, an alien, just wanted to lure her mother closer to you so that you could pet her. Hey kid, is it cool with you if I pet your mom? Can you bring your mom over here, closer to me, so that I can pet her?

Jesus christ. That went about as well on Alternia as it could have gone on Earth. You still full body cringe when you remember that. You had many lucky breaks on Alternia, one of the biggest being you never saw her again after that. You don’t think you could have handled it. 

So it is with this joyous memory in mind that you are escorted back to Mallek’s office by both Yleeda and Etivor, him deciding to tag along. They have been squabbling the whole time. If you knew your parents, you would compare this to watching them fight, minus the budding tension. Instead, you were just uncomfortable because they kind of have a thing going and you have too much shit going on to consider auspitism. Plus, you think they could be really cute together, especially if they decide to be cute and hate flirt further away from you when you aren’t stuck right between them. Does them thinking you’re a robot make this less weird to them? 

“And I can’t believe y()u didn’t even tell any()ne y()u t()()k them.” She is rumbling her temples, settling now into a less explosive anger. “Y()u didn’t even tell me.”

“How was ! supposed to know you dec!ded you were the!r keeper?” Etivor seemed almost petulant with his arms crossed in front of him. 

“Well y()u definitely aren’t.” 

“And you are? !t wanted a tour and ! gave !t one l!ke a good crewmate.”

He considers you a part of the crew? The feeling of belonging that you got from hearing that is almost making it worth being around them flirt arguing. 

“Y()u d()n’t kn()w what that is ()r what it d()es.”

“Does anyone? D!d you even try to really talk to them? You read the manual for !t? Because you are just that competent and on top of th!ngs?”

“()h I am.” She flashes a smirk at this and you contemplate zapping into space to escape being a third wheel.

“Plus d()n’t think that I d()n’t what y()u’re trying t() d().”

“! have no !dea what you are talk!ng about.” 

“I h()nestly w()uldn’t be surprised.”

Okay that is enough. You are done. 

Hey guys. So, just a friendly reminder that I am right here. And I wish I weren’t. Yleeda can you please tell me what Mallek wants?

Etivor chuckles at first and but then raises an eyebrow at Yleeda at the sound of his boss’s name, communicating something unknown to you at her. She widens her eyes a bit before composing herself and responding.

“N() further instructi()ns were pr()vided ()ther than t() retrieve y()u and t() present y()u t() him immediately in his ()ffice.”

Did he say why?

“N(), she appears to notice your face fall a bit. “S()rry.”

It’s cool.

It isn’t.

You know things are a bit rough right now, hell, you still feel a little weary from last night’s chat with him. You just want to know if he said anything so you could try to figure out where he was at mentally and what kind of mood he was in so you could try to adjust your expectations for your next chat with him. 

You were less excited to see him now than you were just so recently before. You feel ashamed thinking about it, but it's true. You left crying last night and you were determined not to end the night like that again. You didn’t think you were going to jump back into a relationship or even a friendship with him after just one or two talks. Too much has happened and you know that. As badly as you want to be on the same page with him again, right now, you just need to settle on trying to get him to remember and believe you. You need to focus on trying to get him to do that before you can even think about whether the two of you even have anything salvageable left between you. And to do any of that, you need to get him to listen to you in the first place, so you have your work more than cut out for you. 

Yleeda approaches a familiar door and presses in a code before stating, “My ap()l()gies f()r the lateness sir, the r()b()t is,” she pauses, “rather elusive. It is here n()w, whenever y()u are ready sir.” 

“leave it here;”

The door slides open and you look back at the two, Etivor smiles at you encouragingly and walks off and Yleeda does too. This time though, she looks back at you as she leaves. Well, at least you know someone on this ship kinda cares about you. 

You enter the room and Mallek is there, sitting at his desk. Another chair is close by it, dragged over from somewhere.

“sit down;” he orders as he vaguely gestures at a chair, still fussing with something on his screen. You really aren’t liking the tone he is taking but getting him defensive is going to make this whole thing harder. You try to remind yourself how wild this situation really is and how suspicious you would be if things were reversed.

You take a seat and look at him as he continues working, really taking him in. He looks exhausted, the bags under his eyes are more pronounced than they were yesterday. You’ve seen him before when he stayed up an entire day working. This is worse. This is much worse. You now know beyond any doubt or any of his claims otherwise that he definitely remembers you and you realize exactly what seeing you again has done to him. You feel ashamed that you did this to him, intentionally or not. He just looks so haggard. You can’t help yourself but feel concerned.

You look really tired Mallek.

“i’m fine;” he doesn’t spare you a glance and continues typing. 

You can’t help it and smile slightly to yourself. This isn’t even close to the first time the two of you have had this exchange. It was endearing to have fallen back into something familiar, even if the circumstances surrounding it were depressing. It gave you a feeling to hold on to and you miss your old rapport. 

You stayed up all day, didn’t you? If you want to wait to do this until after you get some sleep, I can wait, I mean I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere. 

He doesn’t respond. 

I promise.

At that, he actually sneers and quietly chuckles, shaking his head a bit. It hurt you more than it should. Though, you don’t know if you would believe you either after all that has probably happened. Still, you need to try to be patient with him. From your end, you haven’t seen him in about two months, for him it’s been sweeps. Even if he is upset or upsets you, you are going to stay calm this time because you know the full story and it is wild, but once you can get him to listen to you, he will know that you never meant to hurt him and meant everything you said to him last night.

So uh, why did you want to see me?

He squints a bit at whatever he is writing, you know that look. Something isn’t working the way he wants it to and he doesn’t know why. The little look of frustration is gone as he turns towards you and he now looks at you composedly.

“i want to know what you = and how you got on my ship;”

You breathe in deeply and begin, clear and calm like you had practiced in your head.

I am a human who crash landed on Alternia. I used to be your friend and then matesprit. I am on your ship because I got abducted off of Alternia one night and got held hostage on the moon. I found a tool that let me leave and gave me powers that let me travel through time and teleport, but it was at the cost of my memory. I tried to remember but it didn’t work for a while so I started going around and making friends, you know, the usual. It kept my mind off of things because trying to physically hurt me, but eventually I remembered with the help of a troll. I tried to get back to the past to after I was abducted but I couldn’t. I then tried now and locking in on who I thought you might have become and did it. I ended up in your cargo bay and knocked myself out. And then last night happened.

He just looks at you, nodding slowly with his mouth in a straight line. Yeah, he thinks you are full of shit.

“so which part of that = you expecting me to believe;”

Where did I lose you?

“take a guess;”

Alien surviving on Alternia?

“yeah;”

Oh great, so literally none of it then. Despite this, you continue.

Why, because I am a cullbait son of a bitch?

He narrows his eyes a bit at your choice of phrase. You know he remembers calling you that. You once even hacked into his palmhusk and changed that to your contact name as a joke. By hacked, you mean he left it open and you just pulled up your contact information. That didn’t stop you from joking around that there were now two hackers in his hive. He then actually hacked your palmhusk and changed his name to “hive’s best hacker.” You were very amused. A lot of your relationship was the two of you thinking you guys were hilarious with your dumb jokes. It was really easy to laugh with him. Or at least, it used to be. He isn’t laughing now.

“you would have been; if any of that were true;” He doesn’t seem to be budging, even with inside jokes. He continues on.

“why = you on this ship;”

To find you. 

“why;” 

You blinked and were momentarily taken aback. That was a very loaded question. You started playing with your sleeves while you thought. Why did you want to see him again? You had other friends, but you went to him first. Why? The short answer would be that you loved him and that was true, but it wasn’t all of it, you knew that. You wanted to know if he was alive and if he was alive, if he was okay. You found that out pretty quickly when you got here though, and you didn’t zap away. You wanted to see him. 

You were worried about him with how you disappeared and knew he would blame himself. You were guilty that things ended how they did and you wanted him to know why and how you would never do that to him on purpose. You just, the two of you had a life together for a while, it was fleeting, but it mattered. It mattered to you. You wanted him to know it, he mattered. Even then, this still wasn’t really about closure and letting him know the truth about what happened.

You had a feeling that even if he completely believed you the first time and just accepted you and what you said, that you wouldn’t be happy with just that. You wouldn’t be able to just zap away after and just never see him again. Just let him live his life, not make him worried about things in the past. If he fully moved on, found another matesprit, was happy, would you be? Because he would be happy and if you really cared about him in the first place you would be too. Congrats, you didn’t leave a hole in his heart and if you did he recovered and moved on. Even if you didn’t. You didn’t move on. 

There is a part of yourself that you don’t like because of how selfish it is. A part of yourself that wanted to feel like you truly mattered to people. You don’t want people to have just gotten over you after you vanished. You didn’t want to be forgotten. You just wanted to know that what you did for people mattered, that it and you mattered to them. You forgot your friends and everything and it mattered so much to you that you were driving yourself crazy trying to get them back. Even with them gone, you could feel their impact on you. You would want people to try to remember you just as hard. 

What if it was only one way? What if he was never as heartbroken about you as you are about him now? If he was, that gross part of you would be feeling relief at his pain, validation in your own self-worth through knowing that you impacted him, even if it hurt him. Even though you never wanted to hurt him and wanted him to be happy and move on, that ugly little part of your ego would be sated if it knew, that even for a moment, your loss had caused pain. That you were loved enough to be mourned. Because you’re still in pain and it's fresh and it hurts still. Maybe you need other people to have been hurt so that you feel okay with your own pain. Is it really that selfish to want people to love you the way you love them? To know that if you miss them, they miss you back?

Were you just here for proof of reciprocation?

Oh. 

You’re doing it again.

Once, during a very intense feelings jam with Polypa, you opened up about how you were scared of secretly being a selfish person who just wanted friends to feel like they mattered to people and just needed to be needed. That you craved validation. That you didn’t deserve your friends, that you were just using them to make yourself feel okay. She shooshpapped you and told you that the fact that you were worried about it in the first place meant that you really cared about them and that this wouldn’t even cross the mind of a real asshole. She also told you to be the friend to yourself that you were to other people, because she really liked them. 

You cried a lot. 

Right now you are being a bad friend to you. You would never say this to anyone. People want to love and be loved. That is normal.

You miss Polypa.

Mallek is still waiting for an answer. How do you even begin to summarize that?

We were matesprits and I missed you. I wanted to know what happened to you. I hoped that you would maybe feel the same. 

You look up at him and you hope that he knows you are serious and that you mean it, but he is giving you nothing. 

No facial expression change to acknowledge that he heard you, not even anger. You are effectively talking to a stranger and it deflates you. Him leading this is going nowhere and he just is asking questions whose answers he has already decided he doesn’t believe. He doesn’t want to listen. You just remain there with him quietly for a minute. You definitely need a change of pace.

Maybe you should go for the elephant in the room first and work your way down from there?

So I know the hardest part is the new powers thing and I can prove it. 

“you = going to prove to me that you can teleport;” he leans back in his chair, incredulous. Him emoting was hopefully a good sign. You push down the fact that this means he just chose not to earlier. 

And time travel, but that one tends to get messy real fast.

“right;” 

He isn’t even pretending to be humoring you. You stand up and he mockingly gestures at you to go ahead. And you zap. You are now by the door and he whips his head to look over at you. You zap again. You are now on the viewing platform, you wave at him, enjoying the look of shock on his face. You zap once more. You are standing on top of the chair that you were just sitting on. He is gawking at you as you struggle to reseat yourself since this is a rolling chair and powers or not, you are just not a coordinated person. You would rather not eat shit after making a point, but hey who knows, maybe that would make it a stronger case for you. 

So that is the first one. And uh, for the second one, uh…

An idea hits you.

Hey, so I know you at least used to hate mild grub sauce. 

He still appears to be trying to recover and just nods at you slowly.

Cool. I’m going to go get you some. 

And you zap. You think of the requisition office Etivor showed you and how once a wipe, things get processed. You think half a sweep should do it, close to daytime when not a lot of people are around.

And then you’re there. You quickly duck behind a crate as you see the back of Yleeda’s head. She is working at a computer inputting requisitions. Thank god she is so particular about her organization. Etivor joked around about the label maker being her moirail when you walked by her station, but you didn’t look close enough to realize why. Yeah, you can see why now. Each drawer is labelled, her desk is labelled, but also she has a bin labelled “pending requisitions” and a bin labelled “completed requisitions.” You watch her work for a while, mesmerized by her efficiency, as she takes a form from one bin, does something on the computer, scans it, and then puts it in the other. You feel bad for messing with her work, but you have a point to make. Damn it.

You teleport outside of the requisition office and glance around. The coast is clear. You don’t see anyone around you and sound carries in these halls so it doesn’t sound like anyone is coming either. Here goes. You knock on the door.

Hey Yleeda?

Nothing.

Yleeda!

“C()me in, what d() y()u want?” It doesn’t sound like she’s gotten up and you are not walking in there. You knock on the door harder with both fists and don’t stop. It kinda hurts your hands if you are being totally honest. 

Yleeda!

“Are y()u seri()us?” You hear her storming towards the door. “Y()u better have an emergency f()r all th-” And you zap back into the office, you duck behind your trusty crate and watch her fling the door open and look around furiously. “()h, s() this is funny n()w?” Thankfully, she exits, likely looking for whoever was bothering her. You quickly run to her desk and start going through the pending requisitions and you see one from the cafeteria. You quickly scan down it and see a line item for a 24 pack of grub sauce. You grab a pen from her pen cup and cross out the 24 and in your shitty Alternian script you write 48. Next to it in parentheses you write “mild.” You feel pretty proud of it considering you think it is legible and you hear footsteps approaching. 

You glance down at the requisition form and the pen. You pull up your sleeve and write the requisition number on your arm and put the form on top of the pile of pending requisitions. You practically toss the pen back into its cup and zap back behind the crate as the door opens and Yleeda walks in, clearly agitated. She is muttering to herself and you hold your breath as you watch her process it. Her muttering becomes a bit louder and you think you hear the words “cluckbeast scratch” in there and when she puts it into her “complete” pile, you feel like you just pulled some James Bond shit. You totally had the mission impossible theme song going on in your head the entire time and you earned it. He has to believe you now. You are so proud of how well that went considering you made it up on the spot. You zap back.

Okay, so I messed with one of the past requisitions and got you a 48-pack of mild grub sauce. Probably the ones no one touches in the cafeteria. 

You pull up your sleeve and show him the number. 

Look it up.

“you could have already had that;”

I’ve been with your crew all night. Why even do that?

“to try to make me think you can time travel;”

Mallek, to what end? What do I even really get if I trick you into thinking I can time travel? There is even a scan of it, you can see my barely legible frondwriting on it! It is recognizably terrible and you know it!

“i am not going to do that;”

Why not?

“that could have been modified;”

You were a hacker, if anyone could tell, it would be you!

“i = information specialist; i have never hacked anything;”

Yeah, you preferred to be called that.

There is some snark in your voice and you are having a hard time keeping it down. You no longer care how he is looking at you. He can glare all he wants. You are going above and beyond to try to convince him and he just doesn’t seem to want you to. If he doesn’t think you’re you, what the fuck does he think you are? A robot? Please.

What about the teleportation? You saw me. You saw that!

“we = an advanced species; short range teleportation was only a matter of time;”

You are going to pull your hair out of your head. Part of you is tempted to zap him to Earth or Alternia, but if you have to hear how you somehow faked it, you were going to scream.

You sigh and drag your hands down your face in frustration. Goddamn it. You have really been trying. You know how everything sounds and you have been trying to do any and everything to prove it to him. What was even the point of this? You knew you were trying to be the level-headed one here, but what was even the point of being so considerate? He is barely even talking to you. He doesn’t want to hear it or believe it. 

You are trying to be nice because you know he is hurting, but so are you. Why can’t he even try for you? Does he just not think you’re worth trying for anymore? You look up at him, gaze holding firm. 

Ask me anything.

“about what;”

About you, about me. Things I would know about you. Things you would know about me, if you know, you ever actually did meet me.

“we have never met before this;”

You keep saying that and it isn’t true. And I know it isn’t true and you keep saying it and it is really starting to hurt me. Like you just wish you hadn’t, so if you say it enough it will be true. I know that what happened is hard to believe, but you know what? It’s harder to live through and I have to do this with basically everybody. 

You run your hand through your hair and look at him, he is just chilling, studying you. Like you aren’t trying to not lose it.

What is it really going to take? Do I just have to do rapid fire Mallek facts? We lived together for half a sweep. You are the messiest person I have ever met, I helped you clean shit up so it was just clutter and not gross. You made fried cluckbeast embryos almost every evening for us. Even though that was your go to and everything was a mess, you were actually a great cook. I still don’t know how. You need glasses but you don't wear them. Snakedad used to boop you in greeting. He started to do it to me too when I started coming over more often. Sometimes he would coil around me since he liked how warm I was. You used to too, you said I was like a portable space heater. You stick your tongue out when you really focus on something. Your first piercing was your left ear and you did it with a needle and were freaking out the whole time. You did these two on me and you gave me the studs for them. Those two piercings on you? Those are called snakebites and you got them after I disappeared. 

You take a moment to breathe. You said a lot, seemingly in one breath. 

I know you remember me. I know you do. You have to. What I don’t know is why you are pretending you don’t. What do you even think I am? Do you really not believe it’s me or do you just. 

You look straight at him, unwavering.

Do you not want it to be me?

This time, he is the one who looks away. He doesn’t respond. Of course he fucking doesn’t. Why would he? You’ve had enough.

Look, this is going nowhere. And it isn’t like you actually want to talk or listen. So I am just going to go. 

You stand up and smooth your hoodie. Partially to smooth the wrinkles you made while anxiously playing with it, partially because you are hoping that if you give him just a little bit more time to say something, he will. He doesn’t, even though he looks like he wants to. Somehow, you’re still disappointed. Before you go, you decide to give him one more piece of evidence.

The first thing I ever did, when we first met, was call you an asshole.

And you leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader drops the mic.


	11. That Should Be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two parties reflect on recent events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two perspectives for the price of one, enjoy your bargain.

Zapping back to the storage closet you have made yours, you lean against the wall and slide down it, exhausted. The tarp crinkles under your weight and you wonder what you are hoping to achieve here. Like really what are you doing here? Sure, this talk went better, you didn’t cry and he didn’t rage. You just got pissy at the end and he was being difficult the whole time. So that is an improvement. You guess.

You think about leaving, you really do, like actually zapping back to Earth or Alternia, but you were honestly kinda scared to. As much of a dick as Mallek was being, it was hard to get here. The effort knocked you out the first time and sure you are doing some short range zapping on the ship, but what if you couldn’t get back? What would you even really get out of coming back anyways? Mallek is, at best, suspicious of you, and you being here is making things harder for him and you’re just depressing yourself, but even then you don't just want to leave things as they are. 

Maybe you could try this with another old friend and see how someone else is doing. But you don’t know how to deal with getting the same result again. The fact of the matter is they all grew up, became adults, and got shoved into a whole new world and had to become different people to survive. And it's you just stayed the same, some dork who just wants to make friends and get along with everyone and is naive enough to hope things can maybe go back to how they used to be if you try hard enough. 

That isn’t true though and you know it, you saw things and know things you shouldn’t have, that you never wanted to. You can travel space and time mostly unhindered and are trying to unfuck up things as best you can. Time doesn’t work right on the green moon so you don’t even know how long it really has been since you were abducted. Things got more complicated for everyone you guess, maybe that’s just what growing up is. It makes you sad that they all grew up without you, but you know it would have happened regardless. You were left behind, even though you’re the one who left first. 

You just don’t belong here or anywhere you guess. You can’t access things before they got all fucked up and see the people you used to know. Even if they were the same, you weren't, and you don't think you would be able to fake it. Now here you are making new friends, mostly with thirteen year olds. To say friend is still kinda weird because of the age difference and it’s mostly you shepherding them around and being a mentor of sorts. You have fucked up in enough ways that at least you can tell them what not to do and what doesn’t work. Maybe you’re just a goddamn sage when it comes to helping other people with their shit because you’ve dealt with so much worse that everyone else’s problems just seem more manageable? Are you free falling onto another planet in a sketchy ship? Are you about to be sacrificed by clowns? Chased by a bloodthirsty cyborg? Having a callout post written about you? No? Well, it's probably manageable then.

It’s all kinda one way to be honest. You care about them, but it would be super fucking inappropriate of you to dump your shit on them. They don’t deserve that, they aren’t responsible for your emotions, and if they were finding comfort in you, then shit was pretty dire. For most of them, it really was. You can’t take that away from them. Maybe you need to start making friends your own age. 

You wish that you could meet normal people and do normal things. You could try to meet people at coffee shops or sign up for a class or book club or something. But, you aren’t normal and you never will be again. Maybe you never were, you didn’t really have many friends before Alternia and now most of the people you’ve ever considered your friends are literal aliens. You know, with a dash of actual children in between. Also, the whole zapping thing, like how would you even explain that? Is that a thing you do when you are on a movie night level or sleepover level? Oh, you have to go pick up some groceries, why don’t I zap you over? Because that is a thing I can do by the way. Maybe you’re just not going to relate with anyone the way you used to ever again because of how much things changed. You’re just in this uncomfortable space in between where you knew who you and your friends were. Now it would be you and a bunch of strangers who may or may not humor you based off of how much of a cull-risk your association would make them. 

You’re not even the person you used to be, maybe it’s fair to assume the same of him too. Because if Mallek was looking for the friend he used to know, you don’t think he would find them either. You know that in trying to look for the person he was, you were gnoring the person he is now. You were definitely the person you claimed to once be. Even to say that you stayed the same would be a lie. Everything just makes you so goddamn sad. The two of you used to fit together so well, but the pieces of then don’t fit well with the pieces of now. You could fit together differently though, stop trying to prove who you were and start introducing him to who you are now. This is a reassuring thought for you and the relief that comes wth it surprised you. You were starting to get worked up again and unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders. 

You take a deep breath. Well, at least you know you're still dramatic. Chilling in a closet alone with your thoughts. This isn’t good for you. And you need a change of pace from hanging around with kids. You don’t think you are ever going to stop being sad that you can’t go back to the way things used to be. And that’s probably normal. But you longing over it and simpler times won’t change things. You are the present you and you have the people of now, whoever they were. You are on a ship full of strangers and this is probably the best chance you’ll get to get a better idea of what the fleet is like from people who are in it instead of people who have heard of it. This is as much of a learning opportunity as it is a social one. Instead of being pathetic in the most humanly way possible, you decide to exit the closet and see what your fellow crewmates are up to. See where that table was even.

Plus, you seriously do need to make some adult friends for your own sanity. 

Be MALLEK ADALOV →

You’re pretty used to receiving small bits of information and being expected to work out the greater picture and do something with it at this point. This could be tracing a single error message to figuring out where something in the code was fucked, having something crash and having to work out why, or finding out that a vulnerability existed in a communication program and how to use it to protect yourself and choose how to and who to exploit with it.

If it were a spybot, then it was super technologically advanced in ways that didn’t seem to make much sense together. You know that the empire is demanding and thorough in interrogations, but also very efficient. There was no real reason for it to know of few of the things you heard. And a few things weren’t adding up. 

You could see their studs being confiscated and put on a robot for more accuracy, but not them being asked about piercings, especially ones you didn’t have yet. They wouldn’t even care about asking what they were called. Why they would ask for the piercing story is weird. Eating habits sure, if they wanted to make things sound more convincing and figure out who they were breaking bread with. Shit with your lusus, not really. There is still a large possibility that they could have spilled any and all information that they had come across, but that would be a waste of time. That isn’t even to acknowledge the teleportation. If it thought you were a rebel, why not just grab you and throw you into an interrogation room? Why make it look, sound, and act like them?

Either you are much more special than you are giving yourself credit for and are absolutely worth all of the time and manpower that went into this little operation to lull you into a false sense of security, or maybe there is another option. 

This was a fucking mess either way.

You adjust in your chair contemplating whether or not to run the number they gave you. Realistically, you were most likely just going to lose some time. You don’t need to hack your own requisitions and even if you had to, you could just blame it on the undocumented inventory. It wouldn’t actually be a big deal. Damn it, you can already feel yourself regretting this. You just won’t know why until you do.

You run the requisition number and pull up the corresponding scan.

You can immediately tell there were two sets of frondwriting. One that is not particularly neat and the other which looks like someone taped a pen to a grub and had it write on threat of culling. It was legible, but looked, not juvenile but wrong. Like they tried to write without using their claws to hold the pen. You check, and check again, and then check a third time. This hasn’t been modified.

You think back to how proud they were when they memorized the alphabet and were writing down their name and everyone else’s. You jokingly offered to pick them up practice books for wrigglers and they told you not to say that since they would one hundred percent use them. The two of you never ended up getting them since the main issue seemed to be not that they didn’t know how to make the shapes, but that they couldn’t hold the pen right to slash out the characters. You didn’t think about how you normally pressed the pen against a claw to write until you saw them struggle without having any. 

You run a frond through your hair. Shit just got a lot more complicated for you. 

You can’t be too careful though. It hasn't been very long since they got here and you would never forgive yourself for falling for it this quickly. You want to check the original document. You are going to have to go to the actual requisition office. 

As you walk down the hallways, things are pretty quiet. The few crew members who do pass you respectfully avoid eye contact and greet you with “sir.” You approach the room and hear a quiet, but animated discussion. People tend to try to keep quiet in the hallways since sound carries. This is likely coming from the hallway perpendicular to the one you’re walking in. This guy seems to be pretty excited about either something or everything based off of his tone. As he gets closer you hear the hushed, enthusiastic conversation much more clearly. It is about quad stuff, so not really surprising. You are trying to tune it out when you hear the speaker thank the person they’re talking to, for being a good friend and trying to help him plan things out. You continue walking and turn your head to look behind you as they round the corridor. They don’t look back towards you. Speaking was a large, bronze troll, crewman Etivor you think it was. 

Speed walking alongside him, smiling, was exactly who you thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the last part and the part of my brain dedicated to shitposting started looping "that should be me" tiktoks. Just in case you thought that this was a serious chapter title.


	12. Still in Reach, But Out of Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader makes some new friends and misses some old ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and as the great prophets once predicted, "the years start coming and they don't stop coming." That was especially true for me. Between Mallek Week (which was great and had so many talented artists and writers participate in), my job, and moving apartments, it has been a bit. Fun fact: the ideal amount of natural gas leaking into your place of living is zero.
> 
> Also, someone made fanart of this??? For Mallek Week, Day 3 was adults and @ethereajojo on tumblr and instagram was lovely enough to make this.  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/B9TOUSylN8G/
> 
> I did a trade with @theartisticapparition, who was wonderful and drew my fantrolls. So if you want to see what Yleeda and Etivor look like, oh boy. Here they are.  
> https://heuristicallyinclined.tumblr.com/post/612345666041184256/commission-trade
> 
> It has been a wild week and I am very grateful for all of the support.

It had been a few nights since your last talk with Mallek. You had been spending the time on board the ship talking to people and just kind of hanging out. It was surprising how good you were feeling actually. For one thing, being around adults, even terrifying alien ones, is nice. They more or less already know who they are and have a sort of confidence that is built up regarding their identity. You don’t really have to tiptoe around someone still developing a sense of self and have to figure out where they are at before figuring out how much you can say to them, and while you don’t mind doing it, it was refreshing to just talk to people who were established in what they were. Maybe if you get lucky, some of that stability would rub off on you. 

While some people were still hesitant around you, others would actually approach you and ask you things. People unpromptedly asking for your opinion was wild. There didn't seem to be much of a pattern to it all if you were being honest and it was confusing, sweet, but still very confusing. Etivor probably told them you were cool or something and made people want to check out the new guy. 

You actually do sit and eat with him and the other crewmates. He got very excited the first time you did and was enthusiastically patting the seat next to him. He wasn’t the largest troll on the ship, but he certainly seemed much bigger than he was due to how gregarious and talkative he was. The first few times it was mostly quiet, the others didn’t really say much and exchanged glances at each other and tried to subtly look at you. You’re already used to it though. What you weren’t used to, was Etivor filling the silence by talking about any and everything that came to mind, work, hobbies, how he was looking for a shipment of hexagonal disks for movie night. You were normally the one starting and carrying conversations so it was nice to have him lead for a change.

You were hesitant to chime in at first, but seriously, an Alternian robot would know some shit about Alternia. Maybe they wanted to know how much you knew? He always seemed to be as pumped to hear you as he was to be heard. Despite how grating other people mentioned his enthusiasm towards basically everything could be, they still willingly sat around him. He even had a regular spot. With space being boring and cold, you guess that people liked the positivity, even if they would never admit it and were talking about how annoying it was. 

You had been down this path before, and your own brand of warmth and optimism has carried you far on multiple planets. The fleet would be no different, you just had to be patient. Many deny the powers of friendship at first, but you knew you could win anyone over given enough time and understanding. Slowly, people did start talking more, around you, and even to you. Not anything wild, but not the previously random lines of questioning. Occasional humorous quips were also exchanged. Not that you’re bragging.

You also more or less have free reign of the ship. You tend to avoid areas where others are working because you know you would be more of a nuisance than company. If they are repairing or replacing parts on a spaceship, you are going to let them because dear god one canonical crash was more than enough. You don’t count bad ends for your own sanity’s sake. Yleeda surprisingly seems to like having you around the requisition office while she’s working, as long as you’re quiet that is. It is a nice place to chill since people tend to avoid her when she gets really into things. There is just something calming about the background noise of her working and she seemed to appreciate you saying so. There are other parts of the ship that you aren't banned from, but you willingly steer clear from. Those areas are around Mallek's office and his personal quarters. You haven't had good memories in the first one and have no business in the second one. 

There was something bothering you though. As much as you liked being around people more your own age, you did still have other friends in your life that you cared about on Earth and Alternia. You hadn't gotten any new messages on your palmhusk or cell phone and you assume that is because of the lack of signal in space. You had already abandoned one group of friends, willingly or not, and you weren't intending on doing the same thing twice. If Mallek was any indication, your other friends probably didn’t take you disappearing too well. Even if you had been around for comparatively less time, that would never justify you ghosting them. You are somehow, tragically one of the biggest sources of stability for a few of these people and you can’t be selfish now. Even if you are actually enjoying yourself.

The gratitude you feel from getting a break from them only fuels your guilt.

You had been giving Mallek space to hopefully process all of what you told him. It was really a lot and you missed him, you really did. But you didn't want to be clingy and just force your way back into his life if he really didn’t want you around. You wanted him to actually want you around again and there was no way you were going to do that by just making him feel like he was stuck with your clingy ass. You also chilling on his ship in hopes of him one day accepting what you said is also a really shitty thing for you to do to yourself and can’t be healthy. So, some distance would probably help. This is probably for the best and you tell yourself that as you take the slow and scenic route to his office. The one that maximizes your view of the ship’s insectoid features. 

You arrive at his office doors and take a deep breath in, hoping to calm your nerves and convince yourself that what you're doing right now won't just make things worse for either of you. It takes you awhile, but you eventually reach out to the intercom button, straining a bit to press it. Remembering that Yleeda had to type something in after messing around on it, you read the screen above the button. At least, you try to, you can't really with the light shining off of it from your height. You try to see if you can get to a better angle to read it at and you think you got it and then the screen auto shuts off. 

God dammit. 

This shit was built for adult trolls in mind and you can't reach it and read the screen at the same time. You think a keypad would pop up first, but you had nothing to type into it. Where would you even start? It's not like you have an employee ID and you're pretty sure that just entering "69" in would either get you a "nice" or immediately executed, so that was also a no go. 

You look up at the intercom. 

And it mocks you. 

At least you know where to stand. You press the button and zap into place. It is a numerical keypad. Great. But you think you see three smaller buttons under the numbers with words on them. You squint, trying to read them, and the screen shuts off again. Wonderful. You zap again and try to read them and you feel like you're at the eye doctor, trying to read the bottom line, while the doctor is just chilling, vaguely judgmentally, while commenting on how your vision "likely required correction," like you didn't know that based off of how there was no longer a difference between "K" and "B." This is less patronizing, but much more stressful. Especially as you repeat this process a good seven times. It was around that time when you remembered you had other skills at your disposal and might just be an idiot. 

Zapping again, you are in your closet. You quietly emerge into the storage area and see that no one is here. Relaxing and looking around at all of the crates, you find one that is unopened and about the right size. You grab it and zap back to the intercom. You're a little off and try pushing it closer to the wall to no avail. You haven't built up the muscles that would require you to even think about being able to do that yet and probably never would. You zap with it again, this time putting it in place. You're climbing it, feeling victorious as hell. You were about to reap the sweet, sweet fruits of your labor when a voice startled you over the intercom.

"what the fuck = you doing;" 

From your new angle on the crate, you notice something. You thought it was a light fixture of some sort, but based on how it had rotated to where you could now see light glinting off of what appears to be a lens, you're currently more inclined to believe it is a camera.

Oh. 

Cool. 

He just got to watch you look like a dumbass for a solid five minutes. That's great. You know what, if witnessing you looking like an absolute moron is what finally convinces him that you're you, regardless of the relief it would bring, you would zap your ass right out to space and wait for Aradia to come get you like she's your mom and a sleepover was getting too weird for you. 

Like can you please come pick me up Aradia? I don't like this timeline anymore. 

Wait, you ask him how long was he watching anyways?

"the intercoms camera = motion activated;"

So basically the whole time then. Why didn't he just speak when he saw you then?

"i had no idea what you were trying to do;"

What does that even mean? You were trying to get him to open the door. Buzz you in or something using it?

"why != you just knock;" he asks, bewildered.

Knock?

Okay. Yeah, never mind, you're definitely an idiot. 

How did you forget that knocking was a thing? It was one behavior that both your species shared and even meant the same thing, and you just got so caught up in trying to use the intercom and the near spiritual euphoria you got finally reaching it, that you forgot there was a door next to it. 

God. Maybe you need to zap around less because at this point, you forgetting that there are in fact normal people options to doing basic things isn't helping you regain any sense of normality. You're already a walking parody of a person and adding powers to you didn’t seem to make life easier, so much as it allowed you to do more weird shit in new, innovative ways and divorce even further from reality and typical responses to things. You can't say any of that to him though, so you settle for something a bit more mild.

Because sometimes you listen to music while you work.

You know he knows that isn't the reason, because if he has a camera pointed at you, then he definitely saw the face of someone who just realized that they forgot that knocking is a whole ass way people try to get doors open. The panicked smile and pause following it also weren't doing you any favors either. 

"you couldve teleported;"

You didn't think he would like that.

"that = true;"

You hear a deep sigh.

"fine;"

The doors slide open and you enter his office. You don’t know where to look between the mess and some of his aesthetic choices. 

"what do you want;"

You thank him for graciously letting you into his lair. 

"this != a lair;"

This was absolutely his lair. Normally, you would think that a captain would have their own personal office, but this was definitely a lair, and you absolutely have the authority to say that. You have ended up in many lairs during your escapades. 

"you != have a lair in space;"

It isn't about the location Mallek, it was about the energy the room gave off. The vibes of it even. You gesture to his extra as hell desk chair and ask if you would find it in a hive's office? What section of a furniture store would that even belong in? Work? Gaming? Deeds?

He pursed his lips. If he was amused, he didn't want to show it. You thought it was pretty funny at least. 

"again; what did you want;"

Oh you were not even close to being in the right headspace for this conversation. 

You had gotten distracted and then distracted again and it wasn’t entirely an accident. You knew you weren’t particularly looking forward to it at any point, but standing in front of him, with him basically your size, even while sitting down, you want to have it even less. But you just need to rip the bandage off. You sigh and look at him, more focused now.

You just wanted to let him know that you were going to be heading out for a bit and would likely be back in two to three nights. You were glad to see him and see that he was doing well, but you had other friends you had to visit and you didn’t want to worry them. You just didn’t want to dis-, leave without saying anything to him. 

He was taking a hard look at you, “why = you telling me this;”

You thought he might want to know who is on his ship. As captain and all. 

He considers you and you know he isn’t satisfied by that answer. It is getting harder to speak as your throat tightens for reasons you don’t know how to fully articulate. You wonder how much of this just is him wanting you to confirm what he already thinks you’re going to say. You just go for it.

That and well after last time. You just didn’t want to just go off and have him not know where you were. You not knowing where he or any of your other friends were was upsetting to you, so you didn’t want to do that to him. At least not again.

You figure with his skepticism that at least one of you has to be open, even if it’s uncomfortable. His stare holds and you know that look, he's not looking at you so much as he is looking for something. You wonder what.

“where = you going;”

You’re going to be visiting friends on Alternia and Earth. 

“how do you even have friends on Alternia;” He doesn’t hide his disbelief.

Well, after you escaped off of the green moon, you ended up back on your planet with no memories and just started going around and talking to people then you teleported to Alternia and started looking for friends there. You didn’t know what or who you were looking for, and you never found it, but at least you met some cool people along the way. 

With a bitterness that surprised you as it came, you added, even as a blank slate, you guess it just felt familiar to you. 

You laughed with no humor behind it while shaking your head and you aren’t really looking at him. The amount of anger you had at being confused in your own home and mourning the loss of dozens of people at the same time just holds you tightly for a second before you remember what you came here for. He looks a bit caught off guard by the change in your tone. Your heavier feelings exhaust you and you never feel like you can hold them for long.

Look, you just assumed that he would care if you were leaving again because you did. It’s cool if he doesn’t but you just wanted to give him the courtesy of knowing. That or if he doesn’t want you to come back, he can just say so now and you will respect it.

“i != say that;” he replied unexpectedly quickly, his tone otherwise neutral.

He looks at you carefully, and after a moment, his lips almost betray an emotion and he just barely catches himself before you could try to decipher what he really meant by that. 

You didn’t want him to get too worked up about it and quirked a half smile at him. 

Did he want you to grab anything while you were out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a chat that didn't end in hurt feelings and included some light roasting. Progress.


	13. "Subtle," He Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek seeks out information regarding his suspicions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got way longer than I thought but here it is.
> 
> What is growth if not to solve a problem and immediately create a new one?

→ Be MALLEK ADALOV

You lean back in your chair and stretch your arms over your head and your bones pop. You’ve been sitting here for hours working on encrypting and archiving records for some indigo. You didn’t see anything too important about the files or the information they contained but someone was getting pretty high strung about it, so you did it. There was now a wildly disproportionate amount of protection for something that most people wouldn’t care about anyways. It is actually kinda fun, just the dichotomy of how convoluted and extra the security is compared to what they are protecting. If anyone ever does decide to hack these files because of them thinking something juicy is hidden here because of the high security and actually manages to, they are going to be really fucking disappointed. The thought of it almost makes you laugh and you contemplate adding another layer of encryption. 

You reach out to start to, but the pause in movement from your stretching seemed to have caused all of your bad habits and everything else you’ve been doing the last few days and nights to catch up with you all at once. You just feel so stiff and are uncomfortably aware of your own typing and it is only when you just realize you’ve reread the same line of code five times now that you reluctantly close the window. You’re exhausted, but you don’t want to not be working. You feel comfortable with work, as frustrating as it can be, it keeps you busy. It keeps your pan busy and your fronds occupied. And that is all you really need right now. Something you know what to do with. You know it’s a distraction, but at least it’s a productive one. 

You focus on it to avoid other distractions on board. Namely, something which may or may not be your old matesprit. You’ve been tense and internally freaking out ever since they got on board and you have been desperately trying to get a grip on the situation. Any grip you thought you had on it was now gone after that last conversation you had with them. You currently have your own thoughts on their true identity and you really aren't enjoying the implications of them. You were supremely not a fan of your previous theory of spybot, but at least you had a game plan for that, find out how it works, intercept messages, figure out how much it knows, and maybe see if you can covertly either disrupt it or even try to discreetly shut it off. You had been obsessively trying to think of every action and reaction that could go down in that theory and now you’re just at a loss. This scenario is not just something you could ever prepare for, you didn’t even think to. 

You saw them teleport around your office like it was nothing and then struggle to sit back down on a rolling chair. They claimed to have gone back in time to change an order to something you haven't bought before or bought since. The frondwriting was atrocious. You attempted to copy it and you didn't come close. You remember teasing them for how bad theirs was. This was just such a bizarre thing to fake and just the wildness of this earnestly trying to be presented as proof, was also kinda proof in and of itself? Fuck. 

Most of your thoughts on them over the sweeps had been thinking back to them, missing them in the context of another place and time, especially when you were feeling a way about the present. You never really thought about how you would find them or see them again, especially not now. Maybe rarely, you would nightdream about seeing them on a ship in passing and that someone scooped them up just before heading off to space and you would do some kind of dramatic rescue mission and get them back and everything would be okay and that there would somehow be no consequences for just stealing them away like that.

That was the only vaguely plausible way you could ever even imagine seeing them again in a positive setting. You never even thought that they would somehow without any warning, just, be on board you ship. Frond delivered to you by one of your crewmates on a random night. Just. Here. With you.

And it all sounded so dumb and fake and you were furious and then they left crying. Then everything still sounded like bullshit but this time they were a bit different. The first time they were just soft and emotional and apologetic. And it seemed too good to be true and you almost snapped at them. The second time you were trying to detect any and all signals coming from them using your tech. There were none. You were determined to keep it together and get a better idea of what they were, and to your credit, you did. They were just, you don’t know, more themself? They still seemed sad, but returned your own comments with sass as the conversation went on. They even called you an asshole, indirectly. Which might be fair, if they were who they claimed to be. 

Can a robot be programmed to have sass or be sarcastic? Plenty of trolls don’t even get it. And again, why would anyone ask them what the first thing they ever told you was? What the fuck kind of trivia would that even be? How would being a rude bitch even be coded?

This is really starting to push you into the previously implausible, “shit, it might actually be them” option. 

Which isn’t as relieving as you thought it would be, especially since you don’t think you can totally rule out robot yet. You just can’t. You mean, you could be keeping it together and still be compromised emotionally in some way and just not be noticing something. Maybe you just can’t be objective with how they treat you. You could just be seeing whatever you want to see. Plus, what has always stood out about them was how they interacted with other people, how they distinctly made people feel like they had just always known them and just genuinely liked people.

You thought of how happy Etivor was and how he called them his friend so easily after their brief time on board. How they were beaming at him and just happy to be helping him with his personal life and were just interested in him as a person. The two of them were just having a good time and got along easily with each other and you were just there trying to ignore the dull pang of envy. If what they said happened to them was true, that meant that in spite of it all, they still kept that core part of themself. That they were still so easy to be around and you were just being difficult. That they were right here after all this time and that you might have gotten what you wanted and already fucked it up.

You could apologize, for not listening or believing them, for making them cry, and making them feel unwanted, like you hadn’t been thinking back to them over the sweeps and trying to bottle up the mess left behind. Say that you had wanted to see them again as badly as they wanted to see you. 

If it was them, and you explained, they would understand. They would one hundred percent give you shit for genuinely thinking they were a robot again and think you were an idiot and never let it go, and you would completely deserve it, but they would understand. They genuinely cared about you and would understand and forgive you without hesitation.

Nothing like complete acceptance to really make you feel like an asshole. 

Again. 

If it is them. 

These are just a lot of theoreticals and you are getting way ahead of yourself. See? You are getting way too emotional over them, it, and you just need more proof from others who don’t have a history with it to show you what is really going on. Then you can just feel like a dumbass for even considering this whole thing and life can move on. You just need to remain objective about this and get information from people with less emotional ties to them. Just subtly ask people who you know they’ve interacted with more. As your crew, they will probably be taken more off guard by you approaching them than they would be about the line of questioning. That way, you’ll know for sure and can just figure out how to put out this whole damn garbage fire and move on.

__________

Crewman Yleeda was already sitting rod straight at her desk, a face of initial surprise gone and replaced with that of deference, though she clearly was not expecting to see you here. You tend to keep to your corners of the ship and have things brought to you. You have maybe been in here six times during the entirety of the time the ship was granted to you. You came under the guise of wanting to go over recent inventory intake, there wasn’t anything wrong, but it wasn’t unbelievable that you would want to go over them, given recent events. Hopefully, you randomly showing up for a “surprise inspection” would surprise her enough for her to not question why you were interested in the robot. She gets into it much faster than you expected and passes you a datapad and produces an additional copy for herself, much to your astonishment, instantly and seemingly out of nowhere. She goes over them methodically and you nod along and throw in an occasional hum for good measure. 

The administrative shit was always boring as hell, you knew it was necessary and all, but damn, it just felt like such a waste of time. Is it going good? Good, keep doing that. Is it going bad? Fix it. This all just felt pretty self-explanatory and was really kinda insulting to your time and her intelligence. You have better things to do and she clearly had it together based off of how you don’t hear from her other than for deliveries and scheduled debriefs. That and she was somehow prepared for a bullshit random inspection? How was she even ready? You didn’t even know you were going to do this until recently. Why the fuck you would know enough about this to give orders on this tedious shit is beyond you, but you guess the empire loves it’s structure. 

She finishes now and awaits your response. You feel like you just lost half a sweep off your lifespan and you honestly weren’t really following it, but you let her know that things sound in order. She begins to tuck her data pad away and seems to be waiting for you to hand her yours when you finally get onto the topic you came here about.

“while i = here;” you start off, casually. “what store room did you end up putting the robot in;”

“The r()b()t?” She responds evenly.

“yeah;”

She looks at you, now unsure, before continuing, “While the r()b()t was presented with different ()pti()ns, it requested a cl()set.”

You stared at her, “a closet;”

“Yes sir.”

The silence hangs on as she doesn’t feel particularly compelled to elaborate and you think that you might have just found the second least social person on the ship, not by much though. 

“can you show me;”

“()f c()urse sir.”

She gets up and leads you through the cargo bay to the storage area and every time you pass a small room you wait for her to direct you to it, but she keeps going. Eventually the two of you end up by an actual, literal closet. She gestures at it.

“The r()b()t requested this space based ()n the size suiting their c()mpact physical structure.”

“anything else;”

“They were pr()vided packing materials with which t() pr()tect themselves fr()m turbulence.”

You took to process this before looking at her, “packing materials;”

“And a tarp. It seemed pleased with the structure it made t() pr()tect itself and stays in it during the day.” 

Structure? You knew they got hurt when their old ship crashed, were they afraid of it happening again? Or was this just a means to hide something else?

She seems to notice you staring at the door and knocks. There was no reply. 

“It g()es ()ff t() c()mplete its vari()us c()nfidential functions at its own discreti()n. I am unaware of its current l()cation, h()wever, sh()uld y-”

You wave her off, “not necessary;” “which functions;” you question.

“They all still remain c()nfidential sir.”

“which ones;”

“All ()f them.”

What the fuck kind of spybot just says its functions are confidential instead of just already having some cover story? That just sounds like someone just wasn't prepared, panicked, and made dumb shit up on the spot.

Well.

Damn.

This was not the kind of proof you were looking for.

She waits for you now and you nod at her as if you were expecting to hear that. “Their structure hasn’t been disturbed sh()uld y()u wish t() ensure it was built c()rrectly.”

Well, now you guess you have to. You open the door and see, something. It takes you a bit to register what you were looking at, but once you saw it, you couldn’t unsee it. 

That was a bed. They had made a bed for themself. 

You had a very limited knowledge of humans given that you had only ever known one of them, but you knew they liked sleeping in flat, fabric cocoons called beds with no slime. They usually had a rectangular shape to them and were covered in fabric. This seemed to be a packing material based approximation. You remember because of how strange they sounded to you and knew it went both ways with how long it took them to fully warm up to a recuperacoon, but still. Looking at it closer, you see that they even folded some stuff up on one side to make a pillow.

This wasn’t for shock absorption, it was for comfort. They just wanted to be comfortable. 

This discovery didn’t bring you any solace. It just added to the weight that had been steadily growing inside of you. 

You don’t know how this realization was presenting on your face, but it was enough that Yleeda felt the need to say something. 

“If this isn’t t() y()ur satisfacti()n, I c()uld request that it make whatever adjustments y()u require.”

You took a second, “no; it looks good;” You slip your best captain mask on and respond, “let me know if we have any other irregularities in our future orders;” 

Yeah, that sounds like what someone invested in that kind of shit would say. You turn around and make your exit.

“Yes sir.” 

Her letting it go relieved you as much as you leaving probably relieved her.

__________

You had the next crewman come to you, hoping that being on your own turf would make things more productive than the last chat. You hadn’t really interacted much with Etivor before, he just did his job and tried to stay under the radar so he could have his fun and you could respect that. He had never given you a reason to speak to him or summon him into your office before. The fact that he clearly thought that he had somehow given you one was very apparent with how nervous he seemed. 

He was standing here, seemingly overwhelmed by the chaos in the room and didn't know where to be looking, standing up straight while simultaneously trying to take up as little space as possible, face neutral other than his eyes darting about, and completely silent. You know you had put him amazingly on edge. It always made you feel really weird. You never got used to the fear, but you got a lot better at hiding your discomfort from it. You figured it would be best to just get this over with so you could just let the guy go. 

"crewman etivor;" you began, breaking the silence. 

Startled, he focuses back on you, "!mpl!mentor, s!r."

Damn, already breaking out the titles. 

"youve been spending time with the robot recently;" You try to say this as a statement instead of an accusation, but he definitely took it like one anyways. 

He freezes for a second, unsure if there was a right answer to your question. "... Yes," he finally responds. 

You press on, "what have you noticed about it;" 

He stammers, "!, um, what?" and then quickly remembers himself and adds in, "s!r."

"what about the robot has stood out to you crewman etivor;" you continue flatly.

"!, well. !t is, !t !s small,” he meets your gaze and immediately looks away, not knowing quite how to respond. “!t !s very," he stops to choose his words, "n!ce."

Tilting your head slightly, you repeat back at him, "nice;” You want to refrain from asking him any leading questions, you don’t want to be the one to bring up the “f word” if you don’t have to. “how;"

"L!ke !t's very friendly. S!r." 

Okay. That happened way sooner than you thought.

"how so;" 

"!t uh," he glances around as you continue to look at him. "!t chats and eats w!th us."

You raise a brow at him, "why;"

He looks guilty and purses his lips, "! !nv!ted !t to s!t w!th us. S!nce !t !s part of the crew or the sh!p and all, s!r. Or !s !t not supposed to do that s!r?"

Ignoring that, you ask, “has it caused any issues;”

“No, s!nce !t uses b!ofuel. ! mean, !t sa!d that, s!r. So !t’s there w!th us.” He then quickly adds, “only during approved breaks s!r and after all work !s completed.” 

He is having trouble keeping still as he is growing more unsure of what you want. His fronds are fidgeting and thumbing at the hem of his uniform’s pants as he tries to keep his posture pole straight. You could feel the second hand anxiety just looking at him. You already were on edge the last few nights and the topic of this conversation wasn’t helping you at all.

Exhaling deeply, more for yourself, you dismiss it, “no; that = fine; as long as it != a distraction;” 

"!t !sn't s!r." He pauses before adding, "and ! apolog!ze for any overstep!ng, s!r. 

Now you were genuinely surprised, not knowing what exactly he thought that he did, "overstepping how exactly;" 

"By ask!ng !t to eat with us before check!ng !f you asked or wanted to." You kept quiet as you were trying to process this statement and he blurts out, "s!nce !t !s your robot and all s!r."

"it = my robot;" You say this, unsure if you are saying this as a question or a statement and he obviously doesn't know how to interpret it either. 

"Yes?" he questions back unsure of how to take your tone. 

"did the robot say that;"

"No. But !t was custom!zed, so we, er, ! just thought, um, !t was." he glances towards stack of electronics, a few of them bearing your sign. "Or !s !t l!ke," he gestures to himself and then outwards, "l!ke an "our robot" morale booster k!nda th!ng. S!r." 

It dawns on you now that you got so wrapped up in your own shit these least few nights, that you forgot that maybe other people on board who interacted with them, like your whole fucking crew, might have their own theories as well, since apparently it's been ambiguous as to whose fucking robot it was in the first place. And what it does. Like you can't just say it's yours right? That would be weird and also get back to them within ten minutes since you're now guessing that they have been friending up a storm while you've been brood-, otherwise occupied. They have more than likely interacted with your crew more during the wipe they've been here than you have in the entire time you've had this post. 

Great. 

You were at a total loss at how to even try to answer that. Thinking back to Yleeda, you said the only thing you could come up with. 

"it = confidential;" 

Crewman Etivor just slowly nods, either completely buying it, or simply accepting it, likely not wanting to be here any longer than he has to be. You know the feeling. 

"you = dismissed;" and he becomes less tense and you relax a bit with him. "tell me if there = any issues with it;" you add. 

"Understood s!r." and he somehow manages to respectfully speed walk out of your office, leaving you alone. 

__________

You sit in your chair and rotate to face the viewing platform. Your screens are off and you just look off into the distance, taking in the whole lot of nothing that space provides. 

Well. You did your shitty little investigation and found out that the alleged robot had chosen to take up the least amount of space possible to avoid inconveniencing someone, knew what a bed was, made one, and chose to rest in it, and had made an impression on your crew for being friendly. You probably also just made a really fucking memorable impression on your crew.

So. You should probably accept that your robot theory was dead and that despite all odds, it really was them. That despite all odds, they had survived in an impossible situation. Just like they've always done and they came with another yet unbelievable story to go along with it. Just adding to the list of wild things they’ve lived through. 

They had been looking for you and finally found you, something that you have given up hope on. You feel that weight again and feel it settling inside you and become aware of your breathing, thinking as to how well that went for them. None of this seems real to you. This shouldn't be real, but it is. Just like an alien surviving Alternia, you think ruefully. 

You're just stupefied that it was really them and that they were real. They've been here, with you, on your ship, for a wipe now and you've just been hostile or ignoring them. You didn’t really have a reunion scenario planned, but you knew it wasn’t whatever the fuck this was. And they stayed here, despite you, because they've always been too patient for their own good. You had always been worried about how much they were willing to take from another person or what it would finally take for them to be done with someone. You just were never worried about you being that person. 

You have no idea how to even come back from this. Where the hell would you even start? At you not believing them or thinking they were a robot or sending them out after all that time they spent looking for you? There is just a lot there. If they were looking for you, you knew they still cared about you. You wouldn't be surprised if that changed recently. They weren't going to find the Mallek they knew on this ship anytime soon and they probably changed too. You knew they were patient to the point of masochism, but everyone had their limits. You would have reached yours. 

You're just so fucking overwhelmed. The part of you that wanted this was just losing it over this not being your usual escapist bullshit. It's happening right now and has been happening and you don't know what to do. What can you even do? You have a possibility that could actually lead somewhere for once. They thought you were still worth searching for? Even after all that time they somehow just didn’t give up. You just had conversations with them, with others about them. You thought of some of the worst things you said to them and their reactions were playing in your pan and felt that guilt that you had been pushing to the periphery of your mind creeping to the forefront of all of your thoughts. Well, you weren’t that worth it after they got on board. 

Finding them again after all this time could either be the new best or worst thing that's ever happened to you. Your previous bests and worsts also involved them. You have to be really fucking careful since you don’t know where you or they’re at right now. You knew how they felt about you when they came on board and you recently turned that into a variable, so that was a really cool thing you did to yourself and also them. You just need to take some time to come down from all of this and to figure out what to say or do or if you're even going to fucking do anything. They've already been waiting, they can hold on just a bit more. You roll back over to your desk to start going over your options and trying to figure out how not to fuck the two of you over again, but you are definitely still too worked up for this. 

A screen automatically flickers on and you look over and see them now standing outside your office. Well, time has never been your friend so you aren’t even surprised that they were here right now. You just need to have them in and out real fucking fast so they don’t notice anything off about you and you can get back to trying to desperately get your shit together before you do or say anything too impulsive. Just keep it short and quick without being too much of an asshole. 

They reach up towards the intercom and you can see them realizing they don't have a code and you smile a bit to yourself. Your small smile began to wane and your amused expression changed to a perplexed one as you watch them tap the screen, tap the screen again, and teleport away from it, seemingly waiting for the screen to go off before repeating the process. They do this a few times and each time they do, you still don't come any closer to getting an idea as to what they are trying to accomplish. You know they know how to read and how screens work. You're just really lost but you also can’t look away. 

They flicker away again, this time for longer, and you feel equal parts relief and disappointment that they had left. You don't stay disappointed for too long because they return. This time with a, is that a fucking crate? You lean in closer to your screen and squint. They aren't happy with where they put it and try to push it somewhere else, immediately fail, and remember they can teleport, now placing it against the wall. It is while they clamor up onto it that you decide enough is enough. Now you're just getting concerned. You press the intercom key. 

"what the fuck = you doing;"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, wouldn't it be cool to describe what was happening on his side and adding in some ironic angst at the end? Just kidding... unless...


	14. Really? Right in front of my breadsticks?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader does an Olympic Triathlon's worth of friendship activities of the course of three days before returning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't have any real background ships here other than Davekat and Rosekan. Everyone else I think just has a fun dynamic or think it would be funny.

You zapping back to Earth was thankfully uneventful. No passing out, no dramatics, just Mr. Egbert giving you a look as you quickly pick yourself up and off of his lawn and wave at him. He greets you with a nod in your direction as he takes all of his groceries into his home in one trip using the sheer power of his fatherly might. 

The story you and the kids had come up with once the mailman bullshit settled down was that you were a peer mentor from "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" and that you were their designated big sibling. You were able to take them around to their friends under the guise of after-school club activities and as long as they were home on time, you didn't have any issues. Plus, this sounded a lot better than their local mail carrier semi-regularly taking their child to undisclosed locations, which honestly, you would’ve called the police. 

This was mostly an issue with Mr. Egbert and Dr. Lalonde since Jade had an actual fucking dog raising her. You knew Bro had seen you around and you swore you could see him out of the corner of your eye, but he was never there when you looked. Dave said he had it covered and you trusted him since you wouldn't even know where to begin approaching his brother. 

Dr. Lalonde eventually bought Rose saying that your first meeting was just you getting spectacularly lost trying to find her, which wasn't totally wrong. She also drank enough that she didn't seem to remember you teleporting, which okay, not great, but it works. You were most worried about John's dad trying to look into things, but you guess that John's happiness sold it enough that his dad didn't feel the need to press much further. You were also very fortunate that you have the kind of face where people can't tell if you're thirteen or thirty. 

Stretching and enjoying the sun again, you feel your cellphone and palmhusk buzz with countless new messages. Your palmhusk still worked since Sollux messed around with it and you're pretty sure he jailbreaked it to update it. Jailbroke it? You don't even know. Either way, he played around with it and it worked. As for Earth, you now had the opportunity to have a hot pink razr and boy did you take it. You had wanted one of those bad boys when you were younger but never got it, but now. It was finally yours. You get to be the hottest bitch in school, about a decade late, but still. It looked great, but honestly, the keyboard was killing you and you don't know how you guys lived like absolute savages for so long. 

You start scrolling through and responding to messages on your devices. In retrospect, you shouldn't have been surprised that saying "I am really sorry I didn't respond, I got caught up in some stuff in space and didn't have any signal there so I couldn't see or respond to your messages," was accepted by basically all humans immediately. This really does sound about in line with everything else you did or had happen to you. It was basically the same for trolls too, minus some commentary about you needing to watch out for adults. 

Ha. Yeah.

About that.

You know what, if they don’t ask, it just won’t come up. You are not going to pretend that you in any way present as a bastion of “having your shit together,” but getting into it would just get messy and you don’t want to have this chat sixteen times. It probably won’t since most thirteen year olds have a non intentional layer of self absorbedness coming from their own shit, so just letting them know you’re good should be enough.

You go through messages and start making plans as they come in, trying to combine hangouts for your own sanity and give yourself a bit of time to de-stress in between. So far you feel like a goddamn wizard and are feeling good about your planning. Currently, Rose, Jade, Kanaya, Nepeta, and you are coming together at Jade’s for some fabric arts stuff. Watching Nepeta slice fabric like wrapping paper is one of the coolest things you’ve ever seen and everyone else seems to have their own projects going on. 

Kanaya noticed some the jade stitches on your hoodie coming undone and offered to fix them. She didn’t ask you, but it was clear she wanted to know where you got them. You just lightly mentioned you had some jade friends in the brooding caverns and one of them fixed it for you. You mentioned that they had all since been cloistered to try to not get too into it and she nodded pensively. Rose was curious as to what that meant, not getting the implications, and this turned into a discussion of the brooding caverns. You were pretty blase about it at this point but Rose seemed enraptured. Kanaya did offer an interesting perspective since she didn’t actually live in them. Nepeta was rewinding some yarn and Jade was mostly quiet. 

You didn’t know if she was still mad at you for meddling or if she felt bad for going off on you or pulling a gun on you that one time. Or that other time. You just gave her her space since you weren’t expecting her to accept your invitation, let alone host. You knew your own feelings of loneliness and desire to make friends trumped your own personal boundaries pretty easily. You didn’t know if you were doing the same to her or if she just didn’t know where to go since all of her previous plans had been pushed to the side by you. Maybe you should talk to her after this? Or just leave the ball in her court? She seemed to be the most upset at the game not being played. Even worse, no one else seemed to feel the same as her and seemed to get over it pretty quickly. Did you isolate her even more? 

Your thoughts are cut short by Nepeta pulling you back into the conversation by mentioning she was surprised you were even allowed in the caverns. Kanaya agrees. Huh. You didn’t think it was weird at the time, but you can maybe see how an alien more or less being given free range of the birthplace of their species could be mildly concerning. Like, not you, sure, you’re cool. Well, not cool, mostly harmless, you guess. But on principle, you would get being a bit alarmed at seeing Kanaya roaming the maternity wards at a random hospital. As great as she is, it would be a bit, “ma’am, are you supposed to be here?” Were all of the jades that cool with it or did they just not want to deal with Bronya’s lecturing? Or more likely, Lynera’s rage. Probably just easier to do your own thing since even Wanshi could pick you up with no problem. Guess things were more slow in the caverns than you thought. That or maybe a security risk just based on how no one expected an alien to survive, let alone wander into the caverns and be allowed in. Your friends were really the real ones. 

You get back to the fabric arts to not get more into more feelings about your old friends. You try to learn how to knit from Rose and wonder if Yleeda had larger tools. These needles would look like toothpicks in her hands. You can kind of do it, except it is less, knit one purl two, so much as it is, knit one knit two. You only could do one stitch. Still one stitch more than before. Things wrapped up and you were taking people home and went back to Jade’s to say bye. She stopped you and gave you a white, elaborate squiddle and told you to give it to Feferi next time you saw her. You told her you would and left it at that until she said to tell her what she said. She paused and you had the feeling that it wasn’t it, but you didn’t want to rush her or make it about you two being on speaking terms and just smiled and agreed. You let her know to contact you if she needs anything zapped back to your hive.

The next night, you popped over to Feferi’s hive and dropped off the squiddle, which you now realized was supposed to be her lusus and she was so excited she tossed you into the air. Likely, by a good twenty feet and her exuberance was terrifying and endearing. You teleported back to the ground and she was just so excited. You guess she doesn’t get a lot of thoughtful gifts. When she clammed, calmed down a bit, you asked what she had been up to. She had been reflecting a lot on your past conversation and talked to you about her ideas for the future and how she wanted to change things. You think she liked using you as a sounding board since you had a weird mix of outside and inside perspectives ever since her lusus gave you her squiddy blessings. 

You think that was what it was at least. You knew about the problems of Beforus, not that you fully told her that yet, you have no idea how to. You were trying to make sure if this is the timeline you guys are now all on that you don’t just turn it into a different flavor of awful by swinging the pendulum too hard the other way. You did agree with her in general, but also wanted to help her with specifics and stuff so she could evolve beyond vague good ideas that would eventually go from terrorizing to patronizing and then just have her be so convinced that she was right because she would outlive everyone and be the only one who lived through how bad things used to be. 

You did have a friend who was into some non-traditional jurisprudence and ideas about what things could look like. You learned a thing or two from her and tried to echo some of Tyzias’s sentiments. Not that you could ever do them justice like she could. Trizza just sucked so hard and it was so easy to dislike after seeing the pointless raids conducted on lowblood neighborhoods. No amount of memes could take away from that. You had spent so long talking to Tyzias about your world and her studies and what she learned, you just wanted her to do well, to succeed. God, you even learned about the Sufferer and met the Handmaid back when she was still Damara. What would she think now if you told her? Could you tell her? How would she even react to an Heiress who wanted things to change? You think she had been ready to fight, been expecting to the whole time even. You wonder what would happen if they met, knowledge meeting power. They were both just so tenacious and determined. You wanted to hope they could make things better. 

You look at Feferi now, emoting as she speaks. She is passionate, but there was also a good amount of anger there, not just at her society, but also at how her compassion was taken for weakness. If Trizza was any indication, any heiress who wanted to be seen as even having a chance at taking on the Empress did so through trying to be as cruel and as brutal as her at minimum, showing that they could match her if not overtake her through fear alone. Feferi didn’t. You took it the drones had a base amount of programming not alterable by any one Heiress based off of how Karkat lived in fear, despite being her friend. 

She is winding down now and holds the toy gently between her fronds, opposing how lively she had just been. You put a hand on her icy shoulder and let her know that you believe in her. That it absolutely won’t be easy and that killing the Condesce is probably going to be the simplest part of her whole plan. She pouts and runs her claws through her hair at that but nods. It was going to get reelly hard after that, but you believe in her, and would help her with the hard parts. You knew her friends would too. You could even call in a person or two who could help. You pause a bit, trying to ease the tension. But she was going to have to get the drones to stop coming after your ass, like that was non negotiable, you added in. She giggled and returned a smile full of razor sharp teeth which had no right to look as sweet on her as it did. 

She said she, “abshellutely would.”

God these fish puns are growing on you. She gets up and holds you in a hug that was less bone crushing but still bruising, and you let her know that you need to be off. You agree to bringing Sollux by later and zap off to your next event. Thankfully something more low-key than someone’s hopes and dreams regarding having to redo their whole society. 

You got John, Vriska, and Terezi together and let them have a Nic Cage movie night after John got Vriska curious. Two of them were loving it and alternating between hanging on to every line of dialogue and trying to talk to each other about how great it was while shushing each other so that they could hear him speak. Terezi was much less impressed and you could feel the “>:|” radiating off of her. This was more for them than it was for you anyways. Plus, the popcorn was a nice bonus and you got some nice, mindless watching in. 

Gamzee, Tavros, and Equius came together for a hang sesh. Gamzee was a lonely dude so seeing his friends should probably be good for him. Their personalities should balance out and Equius could try to chill about the hemospectrum by being surrounded by people who don’t care too much on both ends. You even had towels and snacks ready. Past a little bit of initial awkwardness it went well, it was amusing to see Equius’s lusus acting less like a butler and more like a nervous parent trying to make sure a playdate is going well by trying to offer them milk every twenty minutes. Gamzee accepted and Tavros politely declined. Tavros went into some Fiduspawn Go stuff and Gamzee was just fascinated even if he didn’t totally get it and was coming up with nicknames for what Tavros had caught. Equius looked more intrigued by the idea of trying to integrate some robotics in his wheelchair to try to make the process more efficient. As hesitant as you are to add rockets to anything, Tav did seem pumped while he was drawing ideas out and Equius definitely knew what he was doing with those robots. 

Robots. 

Fuck you knew you were forgetting something. Mallek didn't mention anything about robots, but you now had a source. If he needed one still, this was a good a place as any to get him one. You ask Equius if in the future, you could borrow one of his less, um, fighty robots. He looked up from his drawing and agreed and got back to it, smiling as Gamzee was talking at them about how “all up and miraculous” it was that some bros could get together and just have a good time. Just being chill and helpful. He went into some religious illusions and he smiled to himself, enjoying being able to share something important to him, and you gave a polite whoop in response, much to his delight. You had enough clown friends to know what the general response was. The end schematics looked terrifying to you but Tavros looked absolutely pumped and the other two seemed ready to have another hang out to test it. You said you’d be around again later to help them test things out and took the guys back to their hives.

You told Eridan that Shrek had sequels and it was all ogre for you then. He wanted to have a sleepover and get delivery which was, actually, you were impressed by him just saying what he wanted instead of getting passive aggressive when people aren’t mind readers. You figured pulling Karkat in too would be fine since it had some romance. Yeah. He wasn’t happy with you but as a compromise he got to choose the next one and Eridan . The two of them got along surprisingly well considering Karkat is physically incapable of taking shit and aggressively cares and Eridan super wants friends despite pretending he thinks he is above everything and everyone. So an odd combo that you can super value sharing absolute silence with. 

You stood by the decision to watch Shrek 2. Karkat could grumble all he wanted. That was an actual film and had some solid musical numbers and fairy godmother had no right to go off that hard. The fairy tale elements that in no way even vaguely translated so the music would just have to compensate, which it absolutely did. Still, you had fun and were trying to get the next one going and started watching Karkat’s choice. You skim the title, “In which two lowbloods attempt to have their highblood superiors fall red for each other through….. And ironically fall red for each other …..falling into a pitch rom instead ….finding fulfillment in the empire… “ yeah you weren’t going to read this. You flip to case over and don’t understand what the point of having a summary on the back was like the movie title wasn’t a spoiler to everything.

Things wound down and you made sure that they got into coons while plopping down on the couch, only mildly concerned when Seahorsedad eyed you. Despite being higher up on the spectrum, he was no match for how uncomfortable Zebruh’s lusus made you. Maybe he is just more surprised that someone made it out to his charge’s hive in the first place? It is a ship in the middle of nowhere after all. Either way, you enjoyed having a bougie friend since his couch was so fucking comfortable. The movie watching one was at least, the others were more the decorative, “don’t actually sit in these or you will get culled if the discomfort doesn’t get to you first” kind of couches. 

You awoke feeling rested and made some scrambled cluckbeast embryos while the other two were groggily on their palmhusks. You enjoyed the slow start to the night. It had been a while since you cooked anything and you were very partial to eggs. You found some capsaicin flavor inducer and added in on top. The word sauce exists here, why not just call it sauce? After you all woke up a bit more, you grabbed Karkat and told Eridan you’d plan something with him later. You were less enthused about the third Shrek, but who are you to crush his dreams?

You were back at your hive now, making coffee. You had stopped by a convenience store to pick it and some other supplies up and luckily no one working there was paid enough to give a fuck about an alien doing some shopping. Nice to know shitty customer service jobs are a universal constant. You thought back to the past few days of seeing your friends and were a little exhausted. It was a lot, but you wanted to see people again in a burst, especially if you were going to be in space again, occupied by your own drama. 

You dusted while the coffee was brewing. You didn’t have it in you to do a single deep clean but could at least clean a surface or two while other tasks were occuring. Not that you had a huge space, but apparently clean spaces are good for your mental health and boy you needed whatever you could get at this point. Though, you are feeling good, you had a normalish chat with Mallek before you left and picked him up a bottle of Valley Mist. He seems to be warming up to you again, reluctantly, but he is. You just need it to continue so you could at least find out what happened while you were gone. As you approached the end of you third day here, you knew you would have to zap back soon so you wouldn’t worry him too much.

Your cell phone dinged and you realized you missed a few texts from Dave. You weren’t able to set up a good time to reach him and try to combine visiting him with others so you were glad he was letting you know he could make it for a quick hangout. He asked if his place was fine.

You let him know that his place was cool and all, but you wanted more of a family atmosphere. Because what is family if not you and a middle schooler who dragged your unconscious ass down a flight or two of strairs? You had the bruises to prove it. Luckily, he was down.

You will never tell Dave this, but god do you hate his home. You got there and passed out the first time from the heat and it was all downhill from there. The whole damn place was like the Home Alone house on steroids except better funded from puppet porn proceeds, a phrase that even fucking thinking was sending you through a loop. Just cameras and tripwires everywhere like he actually has valuables hidden in his home when it is just puppets all the way down. 

The puppets were distracting as hell and that was putting it extremely politely. You almost couldn’t see how bad the rest of the place was because you were neck deep in puppet ass. Also, you’re pretty sure he said smuppet at some point and there was no elaboration and you really didn’t want one. God you knew there were some people into some shit out there, but like? They reproduced? Or got custody of a child? How??? 

And this dude, his brother, he just has a sword collection and that isn’t even close to everything here. Tegiri had a ton of swords in his hive, but like, non threateningly for lack of a better word? They were all super real and all but it was more of an extension of his anime stuff than being super dedicated to swords for the sake of swords or masculinity? Also there was a zero percent chance one was just lying on the floor waiting for you to trip over and impale yourself on. Not even just swords, just fucking weapons everywhere. Including in the fridge. Where food should be. Instead of in the goddamn hallway. Where again, there are just more swords.

The Strider home is that nightmare scenario when you come back from a date and this guy is cute, like very cute, like there has to be something off here you aren’t seeing kind of cute. And then the twunkeness leads you into a false sense of security and it goes well and now you’re at his place and you’re excited because things don’t normally go this well and he turns on the lights and tells you not to mind the swords. 

And you find out any nonzero amount of swords surprising you at a stranger’s house, is too many fucking swords. 

Anyways, you took a break from online dating after that. 

Probably the biggest abuse of your powers that you had currently done without wrecking the timeline was trying to figure out how to use them to acquire a Never Ending Pasta Pass from Olive Garden for Dave. You had done some other stuff that wasn't great, you weren't going to forget that, but it is almost like this one seemed so harmless that it wouldn’t somehow send a ripple through time that would have disproportionately disastrous consequences? Like you felt pretty good about it so far. You would be real pissed at the universe for coming to a cataclysmic end for wanting to ensure a kid could eat regularly. Plus, nothing says, “sorry for missing your messages dude,” than a prepaid way of getting to eat breadsticks. 

Especially since he was being real rambly in his messages, you figured he was going through some stuff and maybe he wanted to talk to someone who he isn’t as invested in seeming cool in front of. He liked you sure, and was always the “cool kid,” but you aren’t his age and are kind of a mess, so it is a low bar to cross over to seem comparatively cool. You sit here now with him, watching him scan over the menu with a disproportionate amount of seriousness and it amused you like nothing else. Maybe so ironic he jumped into unironic territory?

He notices you looking at him and breaks the silence by asking, “so uh where did you fuck off to is there just like a third planet you chill on when your aren’t finding teens to hang out with or did you actually get caught up in some shit this time around”

No third planet. Two are keeping you busy enough as it is. Your eyes flick back down to the menu, before continuing, it was more you wondered if you could go somewhere and ending up there without really thinking the consequences through. You know, classic you. You shrug.

He looks up over the menu, “are you actually going to tell me what that means or is this some classified area fifty two level shit and you sharing will ruin the atmosphere with the whole fbi raiding this fine dining establishment oh shit wait”

You two put in your orders and Dave looks as pumped as you’ve ever seen him. You grab a breadstick and chuckle, saying how he looks like Christmas came early.

“hell yeah except i dont have to pop my fine squat down on some weird old guys lap for this like i didnt think you were a postman because that sounded fake as hell but i also fucked up by not considering olive garden fairy” he grab another stick. “my only blindspot and you cant be sharing that shit with anybody like these are grade a strider secrets and there are plenty of freaks whod want to get a hold of that juicy info but yeah youre using that against me again and really not cool how youre trying to use my love of unlimited breadsticks to distract from whatever the fuck youve been up to dont think i didnt notice” He points his breadstick at you and gives you a look.

Damn. Alright. He got you. Wild that whatever the fuck is going on here is way more normal than what your last trip through space was. It just wasn’t a trip you were setting out to do and it just kinda happened and you saw someone you didn’t think you’d see again weird kinda trip.

“like a whats up ms frizzle is this going to be a normal field trip i think the fuck not arnold sit your pasty ass down we dont have permission slips for where were going today kind of trip and bitches get stiches so i dont want to hear shit from your ugly ass mom at the next parent teacher conference or you wont be getting that sweet sticker on your next report card and these are the good scratch and sniff ones like no holding out on you the real dank shit that will get your tiny ass huffing sticker fumes so you can personally explore with dora”

...Sure? You think. Something like that. Would you be Ms. Frizzle or the bus in this metaphor?

Your attempt at side tracking him didn’t work and he didn’t take the bait. Damn.

You ended up on a spaceship run by your alien sorta ex, er one of them. He was the one who was like, you guess the closest thing to human dating was and you lived together for a year before you two went off to space. Like you didn’t officially break up with him or really either of them since you kinda got abducted and disappeared, escaped, and ended up at John’s. He knows the rest. You now copy his breadstick gesture back at him as he seems to be processing this. At least he got a break from stuffing his face, like that speed can’t be good for him.

He looks at you, unreadably, “were you just here thinking buzz aldrin was a dumb asshole for feeling like he was ever hot shit for walking on the moon like it was a big deal it was patriotic as hell dont get me wrong red white and blue as that starry banner spangled to fuck and back like besty ross is over here weeping sweet hot tears of joy because we beat the commies and the boys can all come home”

You mean, it wasn’t a contest. You weren’t trying to do anything at any point. You can’t emphasize how little you were thinking about what you were doing. Then or now.

“see now you are just rubbing it into poor buzzs face by not even trying like that sorry son of a bitch hopped on a rock and put a flag down and felt victorious as hell saying how the marx cant claim lunar dominance like he said he wanted to in the communist manifesto then you were out here knowing a bitch when you saw one and got your candy ass on the first ship to another planet first class to really take that small step and big leap and find where the alien hoes were at like is that the reason you went where no man has ever gone before”

Nope. You just suck at spaceships. In a lot of ways it turns out. 

You take another bite out of your breadstick and let him take his time, thinking as he speaks. You know this isn’t about you. Or Marx. Like you can’t say much, since you never actually read the communist manifesto, and only know what you know about it based off of out of context text post made by likely unqualified strangers on the internet, but you don’t think lunar dominance was a part of it.

Look, it was weird and uncomfortable for both of you and you’re pretty sure he didn’t believe it was you and he was a dick about it but you’re going back after this because you’re a dumbass with feelings so if he can’t reach you, you’re caught up in your own personal drama. Oh thank God, your pasta is here. You wait for your waitress to leave and you are enraptured by the amount of cheese on it, like you know drowning something in cheese makes it more palatable and they clearly did too. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t absolutely work on you. Like if he wants to know about shit about aliens sure, because that was a hilarious mess. But Dave, you are tired. All you want right now is to be embraced by the borderline disgustingly cheesy embrace of Olive Garden.

“yeah it would be funny to hear”

You don’t say you know that isn’t why because you just don’t have energy for it.

“was the other one also there”

What?

“boyfriend”

Oh no, she wasn’t there. Like you’d love to see her and explain but like, one hot mess at a time you know?

At this his lips tightened and you knew making this about him would make him shut down or spiral. 

Why Dave, are you going to come to the sacred halls of an Olive Garden with you, a place known only second for its’ family values, and defile it with commentary on who you date?

He responds quickly with light panic, “what no i dont give a shit about that like its cool you date who you date like youre cool and all but damn maybe im suprised you talk to people your own age”

You just said you did. God damn Dave. After you invited him here and made the universe your bitch to produce a fine unlimited pasta pass. This is the thanks you get? You held a face of mock seriousness before laughing and he eases up. Like their planet is rough and all but it was nice to be somewhere where being bi was default for a change. Like it isn’t strictly that because cultural biological context not existing or whatever, but like, basically that. But come on. David. You came here to break bread with the coolest kid around, not get interrogated about your shitty questionably existent love life. You know none of what you just said is breaking top three wildest things he already knows about you.

Hopefully, you being open about the whole not being straight thing gives him someone to come to. Like you know that anyone asking you when you were thirteen would cause you to combust, but even if you didn’t say anything, another person like you around would have helped. 

“sure yeah thats fair” he continues digging in before looking at you seriously and adding, “you know my name is just dave right’

It isn’t short for David?

“nope”

Just Dave Strider?

“yeah”

No middle name?

“its just dave strider dude”

That’s weird.

Now he looked at you neutrally, expression contrasting with the mock severity of his words. “what happened to the love and acceptance only found at the institution of olive garden”

You chuckled before noticing he was going after some of your breadsticks, hey, HEY. 

“you snooze you lose my guy plus im growing”

The fuck he is. He is almost taller than you are!

“not my fault you didnt eat your sticks”

You dropped Dave back off at his place a bit after sunset and stopped on the roof of his building. It was actually nice here after the sun went down and the blistering heat was turning into a nice evening. It was almost nice enough to distract you from the knowledge of the contents of Dave’s apartment. Just kidding, you would forever be haunted by that.

You glance down at your device, looking at the time. You pocket it again after checking. You had to go back. You zapped to your hive and put the bottle of Valley Mist in your pocket as well. Luckily, Mallek having been that much larger than you meant that you could comfortably store an infant in there if needed. Not that you ever would. 

You straighten up and look at your reflection in the mirror. You look fine, no sauce, no garlic breath. You smooth your hoodie again regardless. You pace a bit before making any move to go, trying to get rid of your nervous energy. You weren’t scared or afraid it was going to go badly again. Like you’re pretty sure you had already hit rock bottom and were comfortably making your way up. More like, you wanted it to go well? This wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, you just didn’t know how to describe this flavor of anxiousness. You had felt it before, you just couldn’t place when and it was bothering you. It wasn’t fair of you to try to stall based off of trying to put a name to it. You took in a deep breath and smoothed out your hair. You paused, checked again in the mirror, and got very annoyed with yourself for being like this, finally stilling and zapping back into your closet. 

You open the door and look around, not wanting to avoid anyone, but more hoping to be left alone as you made your way back over to Mallek’s office, the movement not stilling your nerves. 

It was on your way there that you were hit with nostalgia and were able to label it, your movements reminding you of how you used to make your way over to Mallek’s apartment back when you were both “are we aren’t we? -ing” your way through the beginning of your relationship. You felt this way so many times before you became official since both of you didn’t want to freak the other out by putting a label on things in case of alien misunderstandings and making it weird. So you got to experience a lot of it. Over and over again. You felt embarrassed for not realizing it sooner and even more embarrassed for still feeling it after all this time. 

First date jitters.

Goddamn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I was not going to do 16 people's worth of conversations so you get a imperial unit of Dave chats instead because working out his way of speaking is hell and worth everyone else combined to me. Am I complaining? Yes. But I also wanted to get back to this and couldn't just write this off so I got over-invested in weird parts of this. 
> 
> Enjoy.


	15. This Got Oddly Victorian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader and Mallek mutually try not to ruin whatever is happening here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this and felt really weird about how invested I got in actions that are just so goddamn mild. Until the aren't. 95% chance I blacked out and the spirit of Jane Austen possessed me at some point and I merely made a few edits.

You made it to the door and glanced up at the camera and smiled. You waited a moment and the doors didn’t move so you waved, hoping the movement would trigger the camera or something. More time passes and still nothing. You remember this time that knocking was an option and proceed to do so and hear your knock echo down the hallway. You check the time on your palmhusk, functionally just a digital clock here, you had been cutting it close, but still made it back by when you said you would. Still it was late, maybe he had gone to sleep?

You dismissed that thought as quickly as it came and softly chuckled to yourself at the ridiculousness of that. Mallek adopting a regular sleep schedule and going to sleep at reasonable times? Like you didn’t have to go through all of your tricks to try to get him into the coon with you before he realized you were just as stubborn as he was, especially if he didn’t have any real deadlines, then he had no excuse and was just doing it to himself. 

You wait another minute or two, the echoes of your knock having since faded. You didn’t want to make him think you weren’t coming back, especially after he admitted to not wanting to see you leave again permanently. You really feel like you were getting somewhere with him and you were absolutely not going to lose that. He was most likely still in there, so you carefully zap into the office, towards the corner by the door in case he was doing something or speaking with someone.

Once you get your bearings, you find that he is doing neither. He is sitting at his desk with his face in his hand, eyes closed. Oh, he fell asleep working. Creeping closer to his desk you see his other hand on the keyboard endlessly filling the window he has open with random characters. He wasn’t going to be too happy about that when he woke up. Glancing up at him, you see how much younger he looks while he is sleeping, his face is relaxed, carrying none of the tension you’ve seen it hold and the light from the screens even makes his carapace look a bit less dark. It is a sight you haven’t seen in a long time, not since you last woke up next to him. 

You missed it.

You take a moment to take it in, just letting the sight numb the ache of what you didn't know you lost. Getting to see something familiar that you didn’t realize how much you missed until now. You didn’t want this to be the last time you ever got to see him like this. Then you saw his eyebrows beginning to crease together. He was starting to tense up. Shit, daymares. He needs to be in slime. You were too busy being a sentimental weirdo to remember that one very basic fact. You carefully move to the other side of him, to the hand not holding his face. You gingerly slide his hand off of the keyboard onto his desk. Staying towards his body so he can’t elbow you or send you flying as easily, you carefully put one hand on his shoulder and the other on top of his other hand and quietly call out his name.

The angle feels weird to you. He has grown a decent amount since you’ve last done this with him, trying to tiptoe the line between being far enough to not scare him but also close enough to soothe him. He was going to startle awake no matter what you did, you knew that from experience. It was through a decent amount of trial and error that you had gotten pretty good at balancing this weird process of waking a troll not sleeping in slime. Trying to stay out of range to not get attacked, but not far enough that they think you were trying to sneak up on them. Making enough sound to alert them of your presence, but not enough to immediately get them on edge. Plus, combining the guilt of having or almost having hurt you with the shock of waking up just made everything more complicated. It was a very delicate dance, but you’ve had a lot of time and people to practice on. Tyzias once fell asleep during a study session and you didn’t take the same precautions thinking it was her, she wouldn’t do anything, and she threw her whole mug at you. You know to be cautious.

He hasn’t stirred yet, so you gently rock his shoulder saying his name a bit louder, but still not close to regular volume. You other hand rubs the top of his hand in slow circles. You repeat his name once more and his eyes snap open and he wakes with a start, breathing in quick and deep like he was coming up for air. He whipped around to face you and you noticed you were right to mind the elbows as you would have easily been launched across the room. The hand under yours quickly grabbed you by the palm. Suddenly, but not particularly hard. You were definitely aware of his claws though, glancing down at them, yeah, you weren’t going to forget those. After a split second of pause for you to process his hold on you, a little proud of yourself for not getting scared when waking up your first adult troll, you lightly close your fingers over his thumb and rubbed gently rubbed it with yours. 

He was still so cold.

You delicately spoke. “It’s okay, you’re okay, we’re okay. It’s just me,” you squeezed his hand a bit for emphasis and to give him something to ground himself with. 

Upon processing it was you, he slowly, visually eased a bit and relaxed his breathing, his fingers curled around your hand and you were trying to immediately repress the feelings of warmth that were bubbling up inside of you in response. He just woke up and was scared and out of it you absolute freak. Now was not the time for you to be hoping it meant something more than it actually does.

He runs his other hand through his hair and asks wearily, “when did you get here;”

“About ten minutes ago. I waited outside the door but you didn’t respond.” He looks over at you and you already know what he is going to say and bemusedly add in, “and yes, I tried knocking this time.” He gives you a small smile and squeezes your hand and only then appears to just realize where his other hand is as his eyes follow it. His brows raise and you feel him tense before trying to slip back into his less readable expression, but he was too tired to be completely successful. He stays frozen for a moment before letting go of your hand. 

“sorry;” he says sheepishly. He turns back to his computer and huffs noticing his keysmashing and begins to erase what he did.

“It’s fine.” You miss the cool relief his hand in yours brought. 

Looking over at the screen you ask, “why are you deleting it? It could be proof that you’ve finally gotten good enough to do this in your sleep,” you say teasingly, not wanting the atmosphere to get weird by him overthinking it.

He snickers continues typing, “not there yet;” and after a pause says, “i almost got an actual word though;”

You smile, “some real progress then. What are you working on?”

“boring shit; just encrypting some random files an archivist = way too invested in; it = just tedious since they want so many layers of it;” 

“Nothing good in any of them?” You had a hard time believing anyone would go through such lengths for something that pointless.

“they get weird about whatever they = studying; really protective; like anyone outside of their little group cares about their records of;” he looks over something, “measurements of star spectra for a sector in the middle of nowhere; star systems rejected for further expansion; mining records from six sweeps ago; and my favorite; a fucking compilation of a citations used by a brooding cavern for their updated grub care standards being published this sweep;” He looked at you and you could just feel how done he was.

“I mean, I get it. I’d be exhausted after all that excitement too.” This got a small chuckle out of him and it shouldn’t have made you feel as good as it did. You remember something, “before I forget,” and you pull out the bottle of Valley Mist. It was the Icy Burst flavor, apparently an on-planet exclusive. You didn’t recall him having any strong preference for any individual kind of soda, other than not Faygo, but figured he might just want one since he couldn’t get it anymore. You remember it tasting like fizzy watered down fruit punch. It wasn’t really your favorite.

He picked it up and looked at you and then at it dubiously before twisting it open and drinking it. His eyes widen as he savors it, he looks at you and says, “it still tastes terrible;” Despite saying that, he smiles.

You don’t know what you thought he was going to say, but not that. You couldn’t help but laugh, “I have the receipt back at my hive if you want me to return it.”

“no; it = a little out of the way for me;” He says this with a face implying it would be kinda annoying to do instead of utterly impossible. He steadies a bit before asking, “what did you do while you were gone;” You tell him about your activities the last few days, omitting some of your conversation topics with Dave. You saved dropping the plush off at Feferi’s for last, feeling he would have the most to say about it. You were right.

“so you just dropped something off at the heiress’s hive; from an alien; another alien;” he incredulously states.

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool.” You knew she wouldn’t want you making a big deal out of it.

“you = friends with the heiress to the empire;” he continues, similarly disbelieving. 

“It isn’t a big deal, I am not her only alien friend.” God, it sounds like you’re trying to imply she is cultured or something. “I introduced her to other humans her own age. And she was totally fine with it,” you say with emphasis, “if she was going to be weird about the spectrum, she was going to be weirder with aliens and I was right. She doesn’t care much about either so it’s all good.”

He leans back in his chair, trying to process a lot. Weird how last week he didn’t believe who you were and now just accepts you knowing the heiress without much resistance. You haven’t forgotten and wanted to talk about that at some point, but not now. Things were just too good, too normal. You couldn’t bring yourself to potentially ruin something you knew was fragile, not while you were still enjoying yourself with him like this.

“the heiress = your friend;” He shook his head, “how;” 

“At this point, seadwellers were just the next logical step in my friend making if you really think about it’” you say facetiously, “her lusus is pretty cool with me too.”

He just looks at you. Just really looks at you, before deciding to settle with an, “okay;”

Yeah, you wouldn’t know what to say to any of that either and a pause draws on and you don’t know what to say. He eventually looks back over at you and follows up with, “and uh; thanks for waking me up;”

“Of course.” You smile up at him, “nothing I haven’t done before.”

“yeah;” he stills a bit before adding, “because i have to keep working on this s-”

“No.”

He blinks at you, taken aback “no;”

“Mal, we both know you just did some of your finest work,” you glance over at his screen, now mostly devoid of text, “but you need sleep. You just told me how absolutely critical this was, so it can wait until after this morning.”

He eyed you, exhausted and amused, “so how = you planning to make that happen;”

“Using my superior size and strength.“ 

You didn’t know how you managed to say that with a straight face. He wasn't able to keep one.

“Also I can teleport and time travel, but I am saving that more as a last resort. It would feel kinda cheap, not gonna lie.”

“threatening me on my own ship; that = bold;” Despite this, he stands and stretches and you hear a concerning amount of popping in his joints. 

That sound really took away from your sense of victory and replaced it with concern. “Mallek what the fuck.”

He doesn't acknowledge it and instead makes his way to the door and you follow in step with him, he expresses mild surprise, “escorting me to my quarters; you really != trust me;”

You look at him pointedly “I know better.” You remember him getting the best of you with a “twenty more minutes” and you actually being tired and falling asleep and waking up without him because he worked all day and no amount of breakfast ready would distract you from getting pissy with him. You don’t even know what the present equivalent of that would be but you wouldn’t find out today.

The two of you walked in silence, your footsteps echoing down the hall with occasional sounds from the day crew being heard. You occasionally would start down what he decided was the wrong way and he would grab your shoulder and guide you the way he was going, not even glancing at you. You make it to the door at a much more secluded part of the ship, and you look at him. He looks at you. And you realize there might be an implication here. One that you didn’t think you were ready for and definitely knew he wasn’t ready for yet. Pailing was practical. Sleeping next to someone else, being that vulnerable willingly, was a very deeply intimate thing for a lot of trolls. 

One nice chat wasn’t going to smooth everything over. Especially with everything you haven’t said eclipsing whatever you two did say. You had fun and it was nice to have a normal chat but the background unease of saying or doing the wrong thing was too present in your mind. You were policing yourself over most of what you said and did and everything was mostly superficial, just trying to establish a baseline level of normal again. You weren’t expecting a sit down to just go over everything, but, an apology would be nice. You were owed that, at least one. 

Breaking the silence, he says “you walk really confidently for someone who has no idea where they = going;”

“I have a general idea of where I am.” 

“sure;”

“I have been here a decent amount of time.” You proceed to explain what you were trying to do and take the shortcut by going past the engine room and up the stairs by the requisition offices. You left in enough detail that he knew you knew what you were talking about. You had a feeling he took you two the long way, but you weren’t just going to call him out on it. Him knowing that you knew what he was doing, and that you were okay with it, was enough for you right now. “Plus, I haven’t really had a reason to come down this way.”

He looked at you thoughtfully, trying to figure out what to say or do, or even if he should do it. You knew he wanted something more than he could express. Reassurance most likely. That you both wanted the same thing. This was too much too soon though. You didn’t want to scare him off, as hilarious as that thought sounds with the difference in size between the two of you.

You reached out and held his hand. You wanted it too. 

You had a second of panic where you wondered if this was too impulsive or if you just would make him shut down and you fucked up and. He held your hand back, taking it a step further and intertwining his fingers with yours. Your heart skipped a beat. You two probably looked like complete idiots holding hands in the hallway in the middle of the day, but no one was around and you didn’t care even if there was. He was looking off to the side, as if he would lose his nerve if he thought about it too hard. This time though, you didn’t hold back on showing how happy this made you, how happy he made you. You were so amazingly okay with this. His hand in yours just felt right and familiar, even with the dichotomy in temperature and size. You two stayed like this simultaneously for way too long and not long enough when he met you eyes and you noticed the tips of his ears turning blue. You squeezed his hand again and gently removed yourself from him. You could be imagining it, but he let go, seemingly reluctantly. 

“Good morning Mallek.”

“good morning;”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, I wonder what kind of Indigo archivist would feel some kind of personal stake in ensuring no one sees the contents of one of those files in a one of those meaningless categories, sent in with unrelated, similarly boring and panrotting topics that no one will look at and can use their position to their advantage in describing how seemingly pointlessly protective they are of it. Not that there would be anything in there that might have been conveniently misplaced or more likely overlooked, right?
> 
> How does it feel to have committed to a fic that finally included some light slutty hand holding 50k-ish words in? Because writing it has been a trip.


	16. Coffee Forward Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader discovers space coffee and catches up with some crewmen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was originally going to be one chapter, but got long as hell, so you'll see the next chapter soon.

Your face is hurting from how much you’ve been smiling. Wrapped up in your tarp in the closet, you stare at the ceiling with no indication that your grin is going to go anywhere anytime soon. You hadn’t felt this giddy in a while. You definitely had your highs and excitement from your various friendship activities and that was all rewarding in its own way. But this was very different. Maybe you would ordinarily feel a little embarrassed as to how worked up you had gotten over a little bit of hand holding, especially considering your previous relationship. but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

It wasn’t just you who got wrecked over all this. It wasn’t just you who missed him and what you had. It wasn’t all one way and you didn’t just embarrass the fuck out of yourself by pining over someone who was over it. You're pretty sure you both wanted the same thing, but neither of you two had any idea as to how to do it or if you even could. 

Just like dating an alien. 

Nice to see something stayed constant for you two throughout time and space.

But even if he was being more guarded, you think he was trying in his own way. Guess enough happened to him that an apology and explanation from you wouldn’t lead to him immediately unloading all of his personal thoughts and fears to you. And you figure there is no sewer to drag his ass over to. 

You don’t know how much he was listening or remembered during your explanation, but you still don’t know anything about what happened with him or any of your other friends after you disappeared. You knew he knew Galekh and Diemen, maybe you could learn something from him to try to hone in on your other friends? But he really kept to himself now, maybe even more so than he used to be based off of comments from his crew. You wonder how much of that was because of you or his ordeals. Did he have regular contact with anyone?

These thoughts start to get you to settle down, trying to get pensive is exhausting. You don’t actually feel sad though, right now you’re actually pretty optimistic. You now have a chance to find out what happened after you left, if anything happened that is, and know that he still has some feelings for you. You were going to try to work it out. Whether or not it does is a different story though. 

All of these are good points and also issues for a future you. Because right now a bitch is tired and comfortable the crinkling of your packing material is weirdly soothing if you don’t think about it and God, if you aren’t the reigning champion of not thinking things through. Plus, if you put your hood up, it kinda muffles things. 

Making your way to the cafeteria the following evening was interesting. A lot of double takes and, “oh you’re back,” before going about your business. Yeah, they totally missed you. Or at least were invested enough in your existence to notice you were gone. Either way, the greetings were really giving you some of that sweet, sweet validation you craved. Maybe it was too early to get a sense of belonging, but this is a weirdly chill place with a bunch of different trolls. Sure, the threat of the cold expanse of space that was all around them probably motivated people to not get too wild since they were all in it together and needed a functional ship. Still, not too much shit got started and you were being tolerated and even befriended and that’s what counts. 

You were sitting at your table, the thought of which still excites you, reading the label of the can of space coffee you had been drinking, curious as to what this moderately drinkable approximation actually was. It didn’t have any ingredients listed, but concerningly advertised itself as having “coffee forward” notes? 

Yeah, you sure hope it does. 

And as opposed to fucking what? The kindest and cruelest thing Galekh had ever done to you was get you into coffee. He had the good shit and was pretty generous with sharing it, partially to be a good host, partially to have someone to discuss it with. You weren’t at the point of being able to get into flavor notes of alien fruits you never had before, but you were proud of being able to at least say “bright” or “mellow.” Things so vague they can’t be super be wrong. Or maybe your alien palate was interpreting it differently. Who can say? He seemed happy at least to have a hobby to share with you. 

Tragically, this turned you into a bougie bitch with a taste in coffee you would inevitably never be able to afford. And while you didn’t quite know what you liked, you knew what you didn’t. You found this out when going to your usual place and thinking maybe you just got a bad cup or the barista was having an off day. Not that you would ever make a big deal out of it, you weren’t a monster. But it kept happening and you didn’t realize why until you mentioned going there with Elwurd, and he got huffy and said, “I cannot fathom why you continue to frequent that establishment.” Then muttering, “they burn their beans to keep everything homogeneous and repulsive” and “tastes like watered down swill.” And weirdly enough, you genuinely agreed with him, you wouldn’t put it that harshly, but damn, you would still drink it, even if it wasn’t your favorite.

But he was, what you would only describe as, “chuffed as fuck,” that you agreed with him and gave you one of his little smiles, having gotten less awkward with them over time. You would have thought that was the end of that and have an informal book club that consisted of him giving you something he thought you might like to read or likely wanted someone not in his academic sphere to talk about it with, or at you about it. It was kinda funny watching him get all wound up and pacing in his study, pausing only to turn back at you throughout to make sure you were still listening, continuing when he saw you were. You thought it was sweet that he valued your opinions, also hilarious because of how you know fuck all about alien literary references, but he liked having you around. When you were patting his lusus before you left, he very subtly, not subtly asked if your coffee machine was still to your tastes.

Motherfucker. 

Unfortunately for him it was. It was a very nice coffee machine and you appreciated Tagora giving it to you. You asked if the whole coffee thing was a very fucking long con to piss off Tagora through you. He vehemently denied it, asserting that him sharing his coffee with you was a gesture of hospitality on his part. You mentioning not liking your previous go to as much just gave him ideas. However, if it happened to happen, he certainly wouldn’t be opposed to it. You didn’t know enough about pitch stuff to know how romantic that would be, so you settled for letting him know that you were confident he could piss him off without any further involvement from you. You liked those little meetups with him, with your other friends. They just felt like such normal things in the moment, you didn’t realize that it would be those little things or how much intimacy was actually behind them that would hit you the hardest. 

A lot of little foods gave you pangs of nostalgia that you couldn’t place before, coffee, tea, popcorn, hot dogs, breakfast food in general, stuff you can only describe as weeb snacks, and the weird parts of steak that you don’t eat. You had a good while there where you tended to eat alone. Now, you got back in the friendship groove and ate with a lot of thirteen year olds and made polite conversation with custodians in their many forms.

A voice interrupted your thoughts. Not that it was a loss. Honestly, nothing gets you nowhere faster than nostalgic introspection. Kind of a chump sport. 

Of which, you are of course the gold medalist. 

Naturally.

“Hey, my guy.” Etivor nudges your shoulder as he sits down. “When d!d you get back from repa!rs?” 

Guess that’s the story you’re going with. 

“Just last morning.” You look up from your can and smile at him and immediately stop processing information.

Logically, you knew he was saying something but you couldn’t really hear him over the sound of his outfit because Jesus. This man looked like a train wreck. Very intentionally so.

You aren’t even surprised that troll crocs had a spikes option because of course they do. Same with the fucking hat he was wearing indoors with his sign on it. His pants looked like he just lost a game of paintball to a highlighter after saying their lusus was a hoe and they formed a noxious camouflage pattern which was so bright it kinda hurt your eyes, and you were made for light. You can only imagine how upsetting it was for trolls to view. You can easily imagine Cirava wearing them too, they’d rock it. The only thing that didn’t make him look like a complete tool was the over-sized, bronze turtleneck sweater he had on.

He seems to notice you taking it all in and grins, “what do you th!nk?” He gestures at himself as if you were even capable of looking elsewhere.

“It is.” You stared. “A lot. There is just a lot going on here.”

“Thanks! ! tr!ed the just be yourself bullsh!t you recommended, and !t worked. Turns out, she th!nks ! am just really obnox!ous. ! barely had to th!nk about !t.” 

“That’s great. So why are you, uh,” you stop, pursing your lips “why are you so dressed up?”

“All of what ! am wear!ng? Techni!cally allowed.” He is looking at you like he cracked the DaVinci Code or something. You have never actually seen the entire movie in one sitting, just random bits while channel surfing. So you think that is maybe what it is about? It’s been awhile and you were never really that invested in it. 

“Plus, !t clashes w!th her g!ft,” he adds in casually while pinching the fabric of his sweater between his fingers. 

You eye his sweater with a sudden clarity. “She gave you that?” 

“Yep.” Any thought of playing it cool was gone as he leaned in closer to whisper as loudly as a whisper could legally be considered. “She stopped by when ! was on my sh!ft to yell at me, say!ng ! need to stop look!ng l!ke d!saster all of the time and how !t reflects on the crew and threw it at me.” 

You're taken briefly aback, “It really doesn’t sound like she likes you.”

Etivor beamed at you and extended the hem out, motioning for you to feel it, and you pressed the fabric between your thumb and forefinger.

What the actual fuck.

He notices your look of shock and smiles even wider, “R!ght?”

“Etivor she can’t fucking stand you,” you state plainly.

It looked really nice, like a really decent amount of effort was put into this and the mental image of her angrily knitting this was a trip. The look contrasted wildly with the actual texture of it. To say it was rough would be the understatement of the century. You knew trolls had stronger skin than humans but that shit was coarse as hell and there was no way this was comfortable for him. The texture reminds you of your less successful cooking adventures, when you had burnt shit on the bottom of your pan and you used some metal scrubbing pads that you’re convinced only saved your cookware because of some kind of blood sacrifice, since you got a few cuts on your hands in the process. Like that shit hurt like hell and this felt like the slightly stronger version of that. Marsti would probably cull to get her fronds on this.

You meet his expectant look and question, ”Does it itch?”

“So fuck!ng bad.” He runs a claw along the collar, “I’m pretty sure she made the neck area a little tight on purpose too. ! can really feel !t when ! turn my head.” 

This sounds like hell, but he seems to be happy. Such is pitch romance. “She put a lot of thought into making it,” you muse.

“R!ght? !t’s so fuck!ng embaress!ng,” he replies excitedly.

You give him a knowing look. “You’re not taking it off, are you?”

“Nope.” He shakes his head, “She !s go!ng to regret g!v!ng th!s to me.” He looks over at you, “th!s does look, ! mean !t’s f!ne r!ght?”

You consider how to positively reassure him that the visual of him did in fact activate your fight or flight reaction. Putting a hand on his shoulder, you encouragingly reply, “If we weren’t friends, I’d fight you.”

That seemed like a good answer. He laughs and looks up and waves some other trolls over, who were irritated that he was as awake as he was that early in the evening. You fell into a conversation with them, catching up on work and gossip on board. You don’t remember your repairs since they turned you off for them which they bought entirely. Still proud of yourself for not fucking that up. You just kinda took it all in, the casual snarking and griping as people ate. You wondered if it was like this on all ships, you didn’t think so. Maybe the captain sets the tone? You spend the rest of the evening just kinda chilling around the ship, watched some people work a not annoying distance away, just killing time and thinking of different ways to try to casually ask what fuck happened after you left, you know, no big deal. As one does. As you will do by stringing together words in a way that puts him as ease while not making you look like any flavor of dumbass. You'd figure something out by morning.

Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Facts: The break room at my job offers a coffee that advertises itself has as having coffee forward notes/flavors. I have coffee flavored coffee. This sounds like a fake drink. Adulthood is a trip.


	17. Things That Did And Didn't Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MSPA Reader finds out what happened on Mallek's end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last chapter and this chapter was supposed to be one chapter. Then in my folly, forgot I am a verbose bitch, wrote this, and realized still too goddamn big. At least it keeps this moving.
> 
> Also @theartisticapparition was kind enough to request another fic from me in exchange for some art. I am losing my mind. Behold.
> 
> https://heuristicallyinclined.tumblr.com/post/614959999889833984/etivor-fashion-indulgence

Towards the end of the day, you start slowly making your way over to Mallek’s office, no longer finding any other excuses to mess around and not wanting to bother people who actually have shit to do. Etivor had a shift to start, Yleeda was religious about her sleep schedule, and you could really only fuck around for so long. You didn’t really ever find a subtle way of how to ask what happened, but maybe you’d figure something out on the way. Really, you were busy doing things. Things that were not that. General fuckery that required your full attention. Productive ways of building relationships, while mentally avoiding something that was just going to be very uncomfortable for you to think about. Your standard occupation with which you are frequently occupied.

You thought time was having it’s own sweet revenge on you for fucking around so much, with how quickly it felt like you were getting there, legs leading you back far sooner than you’d wanted to be back. You knew for certain he’d be awake. This time, as you approached, the doors opened and you walked in.

He glances back at you, screens illuminating the room and greets you with a “hey;” before turning back and continuing to type something.

“Hey.” The doors shut behind you and you know there is no going back now. You glance around as you approach, looking around at the stacks of tech in the room. You could identify a decent amount of what was in here but quite a few of the more organic looking things that seemed to move if you stared at them for too long eluded you. You were comfortable with not knowing. 

When you approached his desk, he spoke “have you befriended the entire crew yet or do you still have some people holding out on you;”

You chuckled, “I’m working on it.” 

Giving you a hint of a smile, he replies, “wouldnt want you losing your touch;” 

Leaning against his desk, you raise your brows, “So, how long did it take you then?”

He doesn't answer immediately, instead choosing to focus on a line of code. He was trying to buy himself some time and you fucking knew it and he knew you did too.

“it = confidential; apparently like a lot of other things on board;” He gives you a look, “you know anything about that;” he asks very casually and your smile falls into a straight line and your eyes widened. Shit. He found out about that. Granted, he knows about a lot of the dumb things you’ve done and said, but damn, maybe this time, just this once, you were hoping to keep up some facade of respectibility. Maybe even hazard to experience some growth? Unlikely, sure, but you could dream.

Wait.

Either your bullshit made you infamous again and he overheard someone talking about it or he asked someone. Both are equally likely to you between his previous suspicions, this ship being small town gossip on steroids, and your natural predilection towards shenanigans of varying sorts.

“I don’t. How would you know about that?” you countered.

“It = kinda my job to know what = going on here;” 

“As an information specialist?”

“yeah;” 

You smiled. “How is your work going?”

“fine; = nothing wild; just some queries going while trying to do some debugging;” 

You hummed in response, staying quiet until you worked up the nerve to ask, “is this a good time, are you close to a stopping point, or should I come back later?”

“why; what = up;” he turned to you, unsure of where you were going with this.

You freeze for a moment and second guess yourself. Maybe you could do some convoluted bullshit to buy more time for yourself. Maybe haha sike, just kidding, nothing is going on, which is believable based on how boring your life is, devoid of any cause for concern. But no, even if it wasn’t the right time, you were here now and pretty sure that there was really no such thing as a good time for this, just less shitty ones. Your nervousness wasn’t helping you generate any kind of eloquent response. The face he was giving you wasn’t helping. No last minute moment of brilliance and worse, no bullshit to fall back on, you just go for it, “I wanted to know what happened on your end after I disappeared. If you’re okay telling me.”

“oh;” his concerned face turned into one of solemness, “oh yeah; sure;” Looks like no one was looking forward to this, but you needed to know. “can you give me thirty minutes;”

“Sure.”

And you zap, giving him thirty five, figuring you had thrown him off his rhythm, 

You startle him a bit when you reappear, even with expecting you to pop in out of nowhere, the shock of you just appearing was evident on his face. That wasn’t really something someone could prepare for, so much got used to with you. Or so you’ve been told. Occasionally very loudly. He was standing away from his usual spot at his desk 

“Is now still good or? Should I maybe come back later?” you started hesitantly, a small part of you hoping he would take the out. 

“now works; can we just not do this here;” he walks over to the viewing platform. The walls of it were lined with more shelves and even more shit everywhere, and somewhere under it all, you were surprised to see there was a couch. He starts moving things around and clears it off. 

You sit on opposite ends of it and turn to face him, leaning against the arm of it, trying to focus on his face. It was hard to do, squinting your eyes to try to adjust to the relative darkness. Most of the light from the already dim room had been blocked by the screens and what was leftover mixed with the soft light came from nearby stars. It was actually kinda nice. You felt bad ruining it.

“So.” You exhale. “What happened?”

“to me; or someone else;” he questions, inscrutable. 

“I don’t know. I guess anything.” 

A silence followed as he breathed in and looked out at the expanse, gathering his thoughts. He started, keeping his voice even, “your lojack program gave me a device not found error; i thought maybe you lost signal or something but you != respond to texts or any messages on grype or chitter; drones didn’t have any information; so i went into your back up and pulled up your contact files to see if they knew what was up; polypa and the teal guy tried to reach you; it didn’t work; so you tell one teal; you basically tell all of them; they got involved; then your neighbor and the brooding caverns; clowns heard about it and started some shit looking for you; it just cascaded from there; people were all talking to each other but no one got anywhere;” 

You felt tears pricking at the corners of your eyes as he spoke and you brought your legs closer to yourself, wrapping your arms around them, trying to hold yourself together in any way you could. You hoped that maybe a few people were looking for you, but to hear that so many were actually trying, it just. You actually mattered to them like they mattered to you, they cared enough to risk searching for an alien. Equal parts relief and guilt pulled at you and your throat tightened. 

“Really?”

“yeah;” he nods.

He looked over at you curling up, “everyone wanted to find you;” 

Another pause. 

“but no one did;” He leans back a bit, reminiscing, “it wasnt looking too good; me and polypa tried the longest; but i got my summons and had to go three wipes after you disappeared;

The timing couldn’t have been worse. You tense more, clenching your jaw and swallowing as a familiar pang of anger strikes you, flashing lime green in your mind’s eye quickly before mixing back in with your sorrow. It was still there though, and it wasn’t going anywhere. 

“I’m sorry,” was the only way you could respond.

“for what;” he looked at you, perplexed.

“I don’t know. Everything? All of what happened, I guess. Not being there for you when you got your summons. Not seeing you off like I wanted to.” your voice trails off at the end. You threw Chahut and Skyyla going away parties, you just wanted them to know there was someone still out there who cared about them. You were hoping to get to do that for him too. 

But you didn’t. 

He sighs. “It != your fault; a lot of things fell through;” he says more to himself than to you. His own failed plans were apparent on his face. 

“Do you talk to any of them still?”

“who;”

“Anyone from Alternia you knew, like Diemen or Galekh?”

“no; ive been bad about that;” he reluctantly admitted.

“I know it’s a massive fleet and I knew a lot of people, but have you seen any of my other friends?” You know it is kind of a long shot since as stratified as Alternia was, the fleet seemed worse. 

He hesitates and considers something, before finally answering, “just tyzias and her matesprit once; we were working on the same ship for a few wipes;”

You immediately perked up, “She passed her exams? Of course she did. You remember how exhausted and relentless she was, determined to make things better for everyone. Stelsa had a similar drive to her, though simultaneously much louder and restrained. “Are they okay?”

Noticeably more aloof, he responds. “yeah i guess; mostly busy with their jobs;” 

You think back on his hesitancy to answer, and given it’s Tyzias, you think you know why. With how drained she seemed and all of the studying she did, sometimes you forgot that talking was going to be one of the main parts of her job, that is until you offered to help her practice in some historical mock trials. In which, she seemed to wake up and direct all of that passion into a laser-like focus solely on you. It was terrifying and she had to stop when you confessed too early. And to things that didn’t happen. Maybe just some things you were feeling kinda weird about? You don’t know, it was a while ago. 

Still, it couldn’t have been an easy sell with how cautious you remember him.

“That’s classic Tyzias. She always had some kind of side project going on top of her work.” You’ve gotten pretty solid at keeping things vague enough for people to project their own thoughts on, it was an unwittingly honed skill, but still useful.

If he currently had any of his own “side projects,” he wasn’t ready to say anything about them, instead, choosing to change the subject. 

“polypa; she was != on the cull list anymore after i left;” 

Oh. Okay. Maybe he did.

That was something at least, knowing that she at least had the chance to go through her ordeals. A higher chance that she survived. She had to have survived, she was one of the strongest people you knew.

“You haven’t heard from her since?”

“she did != want to hear from me after that; so that = all i know;” he replied.

“Yeah, that sounds like her.” You smile at him, “thank you.”

He briefly smiles back. “sure;”

It soon fades and you think to your other friends, wondering where even to begin to start looking, who of them would even want you to. You considered how they could have changed, before considering something else that did.

“I didn’t plan on getting to see you again after your ordeals,” you muse.

He meets your gaze, “same;”

Your attempt at optimism does little to alleviate the weight of everything that never happened between you two. He looks away again and the two of you just rest a moment with that. You both accepted an unavoidable finality to your relationship from the start. You prepared for it as much as you could, trying to find a way to tie things up as neatly and as painlessly as possible in the end. You don’t know and would never know how likely it actually was that you could. Just that neither of you could imagine this scenario, him an adult, and you alive with him, outside of any of your unrealistic fantasies. But here you are.

He breaks the silence first. “were you really on the moon;”

“Yeah. The green one.”

A beat passes.

“who took you;”

“An asshole named Doc Scratch.”

He thinks for a moment, “that = a stupid name;”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever just accidentally hit an emotional wasp's nest? Mallek did.


	18. The way that he hosts? Wack.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek gets the full story of what happened to MSPA Reader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative titles considered were, here's what you missed on glee and Troll Ben Affleck Smoking

He caught you off guard with that, and you gave a short, unexpected laugh, easing the tension. 

“Very stupid,” you enthused. If he were literally anyone else in the universe, you probably wouldn’t have strong thoughts or feelings on his name, probably even feel bad for making fun of something he couldn’t control, but he had put you through enough that even the way he breathed could set you off. If he did breathe that is, which he didn’t. 

Like a bitch.

You inhaled, closed your eyes, and tilted your head back, and stared at the ceiling, trying to stay calm. As calm as you could be with Doc Scratch on the mind, that is. “His hive was on the moon. It was just all green everywhere and hideous, inside and out. Just stuffy, pretentious, antique-style furniture.” 

You frowned, narrowing your eyes. 

Your memories of the place were clear and sharpened by anger. Him willingly ending his control once you were in his manor had given you a lucidity that you hadn’t felt during the entirety of your time on Alternia. It had been like an incessant, light humming in the background of your thoughts, that on some level you knew was there, but had grown used to, to the point where you mistook it as a part of yourself. Just a blind spot he put in your psyche. Once it was off though, the silence was deafening and the relief immeasurable, and you had no idea how you managed with it for so long. 

Except, you know, you couldn’t remember not having it. 

Able to feel and think like never before, you started to maybe gain some opinions on a few of your misadventures that had previously been muffled by the sweet overtures of friendship. Not that you had much time to reflect on these incoming revelations, as he immediately presented you with a silver platter featuring some fresh hell on it, like the amazing host he was. 

With nowhere to go and nothing else to do other than read a comic, you observed your surroundings. Each little twist on the pattern of his wallpaper, the noxious amount of color coordination, decorative books he never read since he claimed he already knew everything. You never wanted to go back. But if for some reason, you absolutely had to and you knew about it, you’d either be packing paint or lighter fluid. 

Maybe even both, depending on how spicy you were feeling. 

”He loved talking about what an excellent host he was, like me being a hostage was a minor detail and that I was being rude by actually being mad about it. Just patronizing me for not being gracious for everything he did for me that I never asked for. It was equal parts terrifying and ridiculous.” 

Honestly, that was a pretty solid summary of most of the things that happen to you.

You shake your head and look over at him. “Easily my least favorite abduction.” You smile at him with very little behind it. Your attempt at humor was disingenuous and he noticed if the growing crease between his brows was any indication. 

Trying to keep your gestures to a minimum, you start balling your fists, trying to find something to do with your hands. You find that the feeling of your nails pressing into your palms brings you the same steadily increasing pain and relief that talking about it does. 

“Mallek, I could see Alternia. Every night, through the windows, I would see all the lights go on, and I couldn’t go back. I have no idea how long I was actually gone. Time didn’t work right there.” 

You think to when you saw him again, how much he had changed, how much you didn’t. It was so unsettling how disoriented his manor made you. You could have been gone for a night or an eternity and you wouldn’t have known the difference.

“what did he even want from you;” he asked, glancing down at your hands. 

“It was more like he was done with me.” It was getting harder to try to bite your tongue, and honestly, you didn’t want to. You craved it, the candidness, and it scared you. How much you holding back really said about how you felt. 

This was opening Pandora’s box, which for you, was sorting through an airport's worth of emotional baggage claim for everything you stuffed away to deal with later, because you had friends to make. You had never given more than a convenient thirty second run down before diving into other people’s problems. You were very comfortable in never being asked, all too aware of how there were no real ways of dealing with your own issues. You didn’t know where to begin in addressing it with any real semblance of depth.

Where do you even start? The main thing? Hey, so it turns out a majority of the desire to make friends at the time was driven by a guy controlling your mental narrative which left you with a very vague sense of self. You don’t really know who you used to be beyond a few bits and pieces because someone decided it wasn’t particularly relevant and would get in the way of important things. Who even needs a sense of self? Not you! Same thing with critical thinking. Like how would you steal a ship or have any idea how to fly it? Or even live long enough to reach the next planet with life on it? Just stopping for a moment to think would make it clear that something was up, even with your mental blocks. 

But, looking back at yourself, how lonely and pliable you were, even with no memories, you can’t help but wonder if maybe it is better this way. Maybe the bits and pieces you had were better than the whole picture. You can’t get too into a self-deprecating rut though, because at least now you had a chance to fix things, to help people. 

There were questions on the tips of his tongue that he was holding back, instead allowing you to collect your thoughts, and you were grateful for it. You straighten, uncurling yourself, trying to focus your feelings on productive things, like coherent words. Maybe even a thought or two. 

“He abducted me from Earth and sent me to Alternia.” He blinked and leaned in closer to you, giving you a serious expression. “Not like some, infiltrate Alternia from the inside using my friendship and strutpods alone, because that would actually be easier to explain, if I were some kind of covert operative who was just hilariously bad at their job.” He looked uneasy, and, oh boy, you too. This time you got to be the one who was having a hard time looking at him, not wanting to see if what you said would change how he looked at you, if it would scare him. 

So you get into it. You get real deep into it, because you really don’t want to have to do this twice. How you didn’t actually remember specific details as to who you were as a person on your planet, just random knowledge and memories that didn’t actually point to any one defining thing in particular. How it should have been impossible for you to get to Alternia from Earth in the first place. Once you were there, all you wanted was to meet people and to make friends, survival just straight up did not occur to you. 

He slowly nodded at this. 

Yeah, that really does explain a lot about you, doesn’t it? It shocks you how evenly you are speaking, but honestly you’ve cried enough over this. You have already spent so much time mourning the people you knew and the life you had, being angry about everything that happened and even angrier about things that didn’t. Maybe it all just sounds so unreal that it feels like you’re telling a story with an extremely thinly veiled self-insert. 

You only had free will to the extent that it served him, he was so generous in giving you free reign over your own life when it wasn’t his predetermined friendship o’clock, where you had that distinct, incessant pull to befriend someone, including him by the way, sorry, to get them in place for some greater purpose. It didn’t usually work the first time and likely went extremely poorly for you, ranging from being snubbed to dying horribly, but you know, nothing some time shenanigans can’t fix until you do it right, no matter how many times it takes. Just stitch that little loose thread of time back into the greater tapestry depicting a middle finger at you and your friends. 

Looking back, a lot of it seemed really benign and that made it just that much more unsettling. If it were just outright evil at least you would know what was up. Instead just make some friends and let whatever ripple effect happen. He also fundamentally changed Fozzer as a person and it was terrifying how he could do that. He did it to you too. You got enough scooped out of your gourd that Ardata’s mind control worked on you. It is supposed to be impossible across species, aside from causing a little nap time, but here you are pushing boundaries in the worst fucking ways. That is how much of you exactly was removed. 

Concern is clearly etched onto his face and if you focus too much on him you won’t be able to do this, you persist. 

He has been controlling everything on Alternia the whole time, and you mean since the creation of the planet, playing around with genes, making and enforcing the hemospectrum, creating the Empress’s lusus, and a whole lot else over time. Just setting up a lot of pieces, including taking you, wiping your memories, and crash landing you on Alternia. Which you are convinced was completely unnecessary, he could have just as easily plopped you down. Once you made friends with everyone he wanted, it was just simpler to let you roam around before unceremoniously getting the Handmaid to pluck you off of the planet with no warning. You were feeling a weird high from this brutal honesty, you knew that this was weighing down on you, but letting it all out, it almost felt like a high. You weren’t stopping.

The floodgates were open again and you brought your floaties, intent on riding this shit out. Oh by the way, she was there, you know, the Demoness, from mythology? So that was her. She was very real and also was very six sweeps old and very actively trying to die between chores the entire time you were there. Didn’t work, since she already did all of it, because of time bullshit. It was incredibly distressing and you tried to befriend her to try to give her literally anything, not because of him, because of you, but he decided she was off limits. 

At least it was nice to know he took what was already there and twisted it just enough to get what he wanted out of it, instead of just remodeling your psyche like you were some fixer-upper, because honestly, you can only have so many existential crises about what was ever actually real and what was him. You just can’t have another one because you haven’t redeemed your free sandwich after getting the metaphorical card punched so many times, so he gets jack from you now. His expression is unreadable. You don’t think it’s because he doesn’t know what a sandwich is, though it may be a contributing factor.

You stop talking and inhale, coming down from the high. You become conscious of the feeling of something dripping off your cheek, letting you know that you had started crying at some point. It wasn’t really a surprise, you just talked about basically everything that happened to you uninterrupted for about thirty minutes like you just never have before. You don’t think you’ve ever just presented a fresh infodump served hot and fresh with a side of repressed emotions since becoming aware of the extent of the fuckery afoot. You aren’t sad though. Relieved? Exhausted? A little hungry? Maybe just overwhelmed by the release of everything coming out at the same time. 

You wipe your tears on your sleeve, focus on your breathing while not really looking at anything. That was definitely a ride and maybe you’re just going to have to make your peace with things between you two being over after this fun little session. You’ve always been a liability, but you really managed to outdo yourself on basically every goddamn front. Maybe you should have kept focus on him instead of you and your issues. Or maybe you should follow your own advice, since you hear it is typically pretty good, and not let things build up to avoid shit like this. Talk your feelings out with your friends since they care about you. 

You know? The ones who you haven’t seen in an indeterminate period of time?

You feel a hand on your shoulder shortly after you start consciously breathing. It’s awkward. He is sitting closer to you and stiff even though he initiated this and he clearly has no idea what to do with any of this. To be fair, neither do you. You two stay like that for a while, just breathing, until you fully calm down and you’re confident enough that you can attempt coherent sentences. You don’t want to get too overambitious and settle on a single word instead.

“Thanks.”

He says nothing and pulls his hand back and looks down at you. Not in a way you’ve feared, but he is intensely scrutinizing you.

“You don’t believe me.” You don’t bother asking, just stating it as a fact. 

He rests his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He looks as exhausted as you feel. “it != that; it = just a lot to take in;”

“Look, I don’t,” mental whiplash kicked in while you were speaking and actually processed what he said. “What.” You look at him incredulously, like he was the crazy one. “You do? Why?”

You see the second hand stress settling in as he just plainly states, “i watched you time travel and teleport; you = alive; you != changed or grown;”

You give him a shaky laugh, not prepared for actual acceptance. “That’s actually unrelated.”

He cranes his head to look over at you, weary.

“This is my adult height.”

He still has it in him to laugh.

You wait there with him as he processes things. It was a lot for you to take in. Even more for you to go through, so you have no idea how long this would take another person to accept. Would you be able to count him as the average person? Or maybe the average person who knows you? He snaps you out of your thoughts.

“you said you died before;” he questions, looking at you intensely.

Oh cool. That is something you mentioned, not that you could really avoid that if you were going for full honesty. It isn’t really a topic you want to go into, but you don’t really have much more to lose emotionally speaking. You’ve also come to feel weirdly indifferent about your own deaths. 

“I’ve died before. I’ve died a lot of times actually. I know that everyone was surprised that I made it as long as I did, but that’s not true. Technically? I guess? And that came back to me too when I got my memories back, every way that things could have gone wrong and how me and someone would become friends or I got them hurt or that they hurt me. For every time I made a friend, every infinity of choices eventually converged together to form at least two major ways I’d fuck it up. Even just dumb stuff like trying to be normal or helpful could be catastrophic.” You think of some of the ways things could have seemingly illogically escalated. “It is a little weird being hit by how much I missed all of my friends and then just knowing how easily things could have gone bad with most of them,” you reluctantly admit. Your honesty is starting to unsettle you. You’ve had these thoughts sure, but they feel foreign spoken out loud.

“did i hurt you;”

You freeze, not knowing how to respond and not wanting to lie to him. Inaction is still action though. Your silence answers his question. There is no binary here. 

“It’s okay. It wasn’t deliberate or anything that bad.” He doesn’t say anything, not consoled at all by your statement. You briefly wonder where the fuck you were at in life, where you saying someone didn’t directly try to harm you was genuinely a selling point in them as an individual. Alternia had something to do with it sure, but most of it was probably you. 

He isn’t asking but you know he wants to. “Do you really want to know?”

“yeah;” he says with a surprising amount of resoluteness and something else you couldn't quite place. 

“Well, the first one wasn’t your fault. After your boys dragged me in the limo, if I got scared instead of pissed, I would have jumped out and then,” you snap, “things just fade out. It isn’t always death, the timeline just stops being productive so it ends and gets reintegrated back into the main one.” You look at him and he seems fine so far, if not just deep in thought. 

So you continue, “the second one is that if I kept pretending to be a robot, that instead of going down to the sewer, we stayed in your hive and you started cooking for us and we talked. Drones picked up on you somehow and you thought I tipped them off somehow so you grab some shit and rocketboard away, while I hang off a ledge surrounded by drones.” You shrug as if you didn’t just casually tell him he left you to die. It’s just happened enough that you know not to take it personally. Honestly, not even close to one of the worst ways you’ve gone.

At the mention of drones he snapped back up to looking at you. 

“They never showed up again in any other past timeline so you’re good. Just a wrong place wrong time, kind of timeline, I guess.” You think for a moment. “They are actually uncomfortably common,” you say, now realizing this. The universe sure is terrifying and random. 

“do you know how they traced me;” he asks gravely.

“I don’t. I’m sorry. All I can say is that it didn’t seem to happen outside of that offshoot and I wouldn’t let it happen in this one.” You look at him intensely. You’ve seen enough horrible things happen to people you care about. If you’ve done it for some kids you just met, you’d absolutely do it for people you have history with. You’d do it for him.

He seemed to be at a loss for words and you couldn’t blame him. 

“It wasn’t all bad though,” you tried to comfort him. “In another offshoot after you and I became friends, I pissed off an indigo who got cybernetically enhanced and decided to hunt me down. You, Polypa, and Tegiri came together for me. They tried to fight her off and you tried to hack into prosthetics.”

He seemed mildly alarmed “tried;” 

“It’s the thought that counts. Plus, it never ended up happening in a way that mattered. We became friends.” you try to reassure him.

“except you know what would happen if you didnt;” he counters.

“I mean, yeah. That’s just one way of looking at it. And maybe I’ve seen this happen to me so many times that it doesn’t really upset me much, but I think it’s more, I don’t know, indicative of a person? Like you get to see them in a few different lights.” You smile, genuinely, “the same three who tried to save me in one offshoot were the same three who started the search for me here.“

He is looking a little better, so you continue. “There are just so many ways things can go wrong Mallek, just so, so many ways.” You say with emphasis fueled by your very unfortunate knowledge and this clearly does not comfort him, so you quickly amend it. “It just makes things going right that much more special to me. Why else would I go out looking for people if I was holding a grudge for things they didn’t do? Especially when I also know about what else they would do. Plus, some of my closest friends have wanted me dead in some timeline or another. It isn’t really a big deal.” 

Wow. You’re astoundingly bad at this if how he is looking at you is any indication. You really felt like you had it there for a second. Maybe you should practice this talk? Make like a chart or something. A brochure of some sort? God, if you were trying to get to know someone and they handed you a brochure about themselves to you it would either be a massive power move, hilarious, or uncomfortable as fuck. It could just be titled, “If you thought me handing you this was rough, wait until you read it.” Barter with Dave to get him to illustrate it to really take it to another level. 

A much less comfortable silence ensues as he considers this. It took you a good bit to come to terms with everything so you just sit in it with him like you wish someone had done with you. How is he doing on his existential dread punch card? How many did you just give him tonight?

“how did you get off the moon;”

“Doc Scratch apparently pissed other people off, so while some guy was attacking him, I found this, I don’t know? Artifact thing? I touched it, got powers, it probably was a bit too much for me since I landed on earth without any memories,” you explain. You also fill him in on some of you escapades up until this point up until meeting your newest friend Jake. You thought you telling him you threw a giant spider lusus into a volcano would get a bigger reaction out of him, but at this point, you have to admit, it is pretty minor. Time goddess seemed to give him some pause but he was just kind of along for the ride at this point.

By the end of it, he looked like he needed a drink. Or a nap. You try to ease the tension.

“So,” you start, “on a lighter note, how were your ordeals?”

He looks at you, surprised, before genuinely laughing. You could tell because he almost sounds like he is hissing in the beginning, because of how he presses his tongue to his teeth. “really shitty; just really fucking bad; i != know if i can follow that up though;” Yeah, you would hope the fuck not. Still, you grin, his laugh was endearing. 

“It isn’t a contest.”

“you = winning;”

You chuckle, “what’s my prize?”

“what do you want;”

“A break,” you try to deadpan. 

You get to hear that hiss again. 

“ill tell you later;”

“Sure.” You figured you got enough depressing shit out in the open. Probably enough out there to last you a good while.

You think about it, leaning against him, but you took him through enough of a ride today. So instead, you look out the viewing platform, gazing at all the stars. You had been too distracted by him, the clutter in the room, and your own shit to do more than just know that there was one here. But now looking through it, really looking, you couldn’t look away. Each star, each tiny pinprick of light, was unfathomably far away from you, yet somehow, unbelievably within your reach. 

You speak up, “how far away are we from Alternia?”

“about two galaxies away;” he waves his left hand towards the bottom of the viewing platform, adding, “probably somewhere that way;”

“where = earth;” he quietly asks.

“I have no idea,” You could go there in an instant, but had no clue as to where you were in relation to it or Alternia. “Zapping around, it's more like finding a place based on what’s around it like people or feelings than actually knowing where it is,” you explain. “Like finding a place based off of landmarks around it than actual coordinates.” More to yourself than him, you say “I barely know where I am most of the time.”

A silence falls between the two of you until he asks you, “was it good; going back home;”

You smile wistfully. “I didn’t know I had ever left.” You look down at the sign on your hood and then back out again, “anything reminding me of my time on Alternia or anyone I met on it hurt. Little bits and pieces came through though, words I shouldn’t understand, places I shouldn’t know about. By the time I got my memories back, it just didn’t even register. I was just trying to find you, anyone. It didn’t work.” Sighing, you continue, “I was too upset about thinking I’d never see any of you again to even be happy to be back. I didn’t really have much once I was there.”

He looked surprised at that, ”you talked about going back sometimes;” you seriously != have anything to go back to;”

“About as much as you have waiting for you on Alternia,” you replied frankly and he nods, understanding.

The two of you talked about a lot of things that you thought would never happen. Just random what ifs and fantasies. You not dying on Alternia and finding a way back home, maybe finding a way to bring him with you and show him around. Him controlling the drones and coming up with schemes that got more far fetched as his ordeals loomed ever closer to him. Just making jokes in the face of inevitability, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. Actually going home though, you had no family or friends, no job, no money, and are still working out if you legally existed there or not. 

“Before I got my memories back, I kept thinking about how I just wanted to go home. I don’t know where I thought I’d end up, but it wasn’t a makeshift hive on another planet,” you admit. “Other times it didn’t work and I didn’t actually get anywhere. I kept going until I felt like I was going to pass out.” Like you did the first time you made it here. You pause, still looking out at the vastness, “it’s where I’m from, but I guess I ended up feeling more at home somewhere else.”

You look at him with a half smile and he looks off, feeling both the weight of your gaze and the implication, before looking back at you and reaching out for your hand. “yeah; i get what you mean;”

You wonder where you’d end up if you tried to zap home now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional chicken with trolls is fun. Anyways, I am trying to plan on which friends to introduce soon, who are your favorite Hiveswap trolls?


	19. Late Morning Grype Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallek has a lot to think over and makes a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pleased to say I am back on my angst bullshit.

Be MALLEK ADALOV →

They are still so warm.

Not just their body temperature, although you were definitely not going to forget the familiar heat that had radiated off of their hand and into yours yesterday morning, the same warmth that you hadn’t felt in sweeps, that you recklessly brought closer to you and how they lit up when you did and you couldn’t look directly at them. You weren’t ready to let go of it when they left. When it faded and it was just you alone and awake in your recuperacoon, sleep being the last thing on your mind, you didn’t want to have to admit that you had been so reluctant to get burned by them again that you didn’t consider the alternative and how it could actually be a lot worse. 

Not that warmth, not the one you reached for again and were holding right now, the one making it hard to focus on anything other than it and how it made you feel to have them here with you. The one you’re trying not to embarrass yourself over. Not that one. 

Just them, who they were, how despite it all, they were still so unwaveringly themself. You don’t know how they did it.

You don’t know that you could do it. They left you with a lot to take in, and if even a fraction of it were true, you don’t even know what the repercussions would be, if there could even be any in the first place. It sounded insane. It sounded absolutely insane. You didn’t even know which part of it to focus on or where to begin first. What happened to them? To your species? Even trying to break it all down was daunting. You’re starting to think that the reason you aren’t freaking out right now is because of how overwhelmed you are, that your pan right now is still working on trying to figure out how to wrap itself around everything. 

The two of you had been resting in silence for a while, neither of you knowing what to say or maybe even having the energy to add anything else to what had already been said. Maybe you just wanted the weight in the room to dissipate before adding anything fresh. The whole damn conversation was just a lot of just waiting for the dust to settle a bit between bombs. So, here you were, thinking about it all, everything they said, what it meant, what you just said to them, the fact that they were even here with you. How just everything was just so much in every fucking direction that it somehow cancelled out, leaving you just generally overwhelmed instead of just able to fixate on one thing, and you were left here trying to figure out what to make of it.

You were guessing that they were probably trying to do anything but that, probably having this on their mind for so long that they were sick and tired of it. If time didn’t work right there, how long had it really even been for them? You tilt your head to look over at them to see how they were holding up after unloading all of that. They were still curled up next to you on your loungeplank, hand in yours, chest rising and falling steadily, head resting against the cushion, wearing the most relaxed expression you had seen on them since they got here, sound asleep.

You weren’t really surprised. Hearing all of it left you feeling really worn out, so them actually going through it and having to explain it all to you, looking progressively more drained the entire time they spoke, and becoming exhausted enough after unloading all of it to sleep wasn’t a shock. Neither was how much more relaxed they looked now. You know you’re the only one of their old friends who they’ve seen and all of their other new friends were what, six? Were you the only other person they’ve told? Who they could tell? Fuck. It would make sense. 

Looking down at them, you frown. Despite how open they were and how they could seemingly get anyone else around them to open up, you knew they didn’t want to be a burden on anyone and kept some things to themself. This was some pretty heavy shit though. You wonder if they’d be doing better if they had found Polypa first instead of you. Maybe some things would have gone better but you don’t know what she does or where she is stationed and are definitely feeling a way right now about not having kept tabs on her. But the two of you had an agreement and it isn’t like you ever expected this to happen. None of you did.

Normally, you could just accept their story and say that crazier things have happened to them. But honestly, this was peak. This was the fucking peak and it was all downhill from here.

And you believed them.

Shit would be so much easier if you didn’t. 

But with the way they talked about it, you had never seen them get like that before. It was this odd exhausted rage and they were detachedly ranting about some of the wildest stuff you’ve ever heard in the same tone someone would take telling you about a really long night they had at work. This wasn’t the kind of raving you would expect from a conspiracy theorist. They talked about having their memories taken in the same tone as saying someone took their parking spot. It was like so much shit happened all the time that they took on a, “this might as well happen,” approach to sharing this laundry list of things getting progressively worse for them and your entire species as a whole. 

They had already seemed to expect you to not believe them, and sure, you didn’t the first few times they tried to summarize things, but you did have other concerns at the time that kept you from focusing on that. Now that you were sure they were them and they just laid everything out so matter of factly and the fact that it didn’t seem like anything good would come out of making this up. It was just between their tone and their phrasing, they sounded like someone describing their ordeals. Fuck, you were ready to explain yours but you would have sounded like the biggest tool in the universe to follow that up with any of your shit. 

Normally, they would be way too polite about things. It’s almost funny that this is what it took for them to just straight up call someone an asshole. Or just getting kidnapped in general. You were hoping for them to have a lower bar on that, but this was pretty fucking deserved. Maybe in some weird way, things were just so wildly fucked up for your species, that knowing you had someone ensuring things went as bad as possible at every fucking turn before just ending the universe, kind of made sense. Like you finally had just one person to blame for it all instead of just this intangible system that was just bigger than you all and that is just easier to deal with mentally. Or maybe it was weirdly comforting to know that someone had to intervene constantly to make things this bad, that you weren’t naturally all just like this. Just apparently very capable of sustaining it once you got to this point. He just had to fine tune a few things for his end goal. 

An end goal that included the two of you being friends, even if it didn’t go right the first few times. You don’t get it, how they somehow are still feeling safe enough to sleep around you. You knew it was different for humans, but after what they said you could have done, you don’t know if that still applies. It is just weird to hear you would do that to them and leave them there and hearing it happened in an alternate timeline wasn’t exactly comforting considering how easily it could have happened. It wasn’t some alternate reality or wildly different timeline. It was just a single choice. How many other choices like that did you make and just never know about?

And thinking about it right now, it wouldn’t make sense for the drones to take that long to get to you, they would have been ready to jump you the moment you got out of your limo. Maybe in the moment, with you panicking and trying to escape you could see yourself thinking that. And you would leave them. Would you leave them? The answer was apparently yes and it made you incredibly uneasy. You didn’t have the same relationship with them in it, but you guess that maybe you wanted to think that you would think things through or help them out because of how things turned out between you two now. It’s weird to know that under that kind of pressure, you just weren’t the kind of person you thought you would be, that you just wouldn’t be able to keep it together like you thought you would. That really has you feeling a way about yourself. 

You know you were more self-absorbed back then, mostly worrying about yourself and your projects and giving a fuck in passing. Like you weren’t going to go out your way to make things harder for others, but you also weren’t just going to do random shit out of the goodness of your own bloodpusher. You just wanted to keep a low profile, like the one you were keeping now, your mind really unhelpfully added. 

This was different though because you were in the rebellion now. You had to keep a low profile or you and everyone else who was unlucky enough to ever work for you would get culled. You’d like to think you’ve changed. You were thinking about society more and doing things to try to fix shit. You let go of mentally referring to yourself as a mid-blood, even if it took you an embarrassingly long amount of time to do it. The fleet made those distinctions incredibly clear and there was no avoiding things like you used to. Altruism maybe wasn’t entirely why you joined in the first place, you had your own satisfaction at your job and the system, but you were definitely more aware of shit outside your own bubble. Tyzias got you to be way less of a misanthrope or at least a more productive one and that accounted for something, right?

Oh fuck.

Tyzias.

You knew you were forgetting something.

You remember back to wanting to call her when they first came on board and then not doing it because of the potential for outgoing communications being tracked and not wanting to implicate her. Then you didn’t when you were trying to work out what the fuck they were and then they were them and that took up even more of your panspace and then they left and you were thinking some shit through and that probably actually would have been the best time to contact her. 

Now would probably be the second best. Probably lower if you were being honest. Also continuously descending as you continue to fuck around and do things that aren’t that. This really isn’t helping you with wondering how self-absorbed you really are. Neither is the fact that that came to mind first instead of Tyzias or them feeling a way about it.

Damn.

You feel them stir a bit next to you. Did they fall asleep this easily just because of how drained they were after that chat or were they not sleeping enough or not sleeping well? You knew they were sleeping in a closet or in their hive, neither of which were particularly great. Not that you’ve ever seen a real bed before, just could recognize the general shape of one, but you know that wasn’t super close. Loungeplanks are much closer and don’t fucking crinkle if you move on them. You know that you are absolutely being a hypocrite about this, but your concern is outweighing you caring much. Plus, you’re used to this. More sleep would throw off your entire schedule. 

Should you offer up the loungeplank or would it be weird to? Weirder not to? You don’t know if it would be or not, the two of you were or are, something? You don’t know. Ex-matesprits? Flushcrushes? Matesprits? Two of those were true, the other kind of ambiguous and you’re now just kind of left with this obvious, but undefined red. And it’s mutual. It is still mutual. You don’t even know how. Except you do. You know them and they know you which is why they were still trying and being way more patient than you deserved. And here you are now not knowing what the fuck to do with it. Like at what point do you even ask? During that conversation? The fuck were you going to say? 

Sorry about losing your memories, everyone, and everything twice. That really sucks. By the way, since you’re here, what are we? If you want to be a thing that is. I mean you are dealing with some really heavy shit right now, and again, I get it, that sucks, but like clearly the fucking romantic uncertainty should be the real priority here.

Even if this was dumb and complicated, at least you weren’t that much of a dumbass.

Anyways, before anything else they were your friend, so that is what you’re going to go with for now. At least until you can figure your shit out because this shouldn’t be what is taking up your panspace. Putting them in contact with their other friends is. You need to at least give them a jumping off point.

You sigh resignedly and slowly, you unfurl your fingers and let go of their hand and start to get up, trying not to wake them. They shift slightly and curl into themself before settling again, some of their hair falling on their face. You look at them for a moment before deciding that this is a step up from their closet. You think you had a jacket in here from awhile ago. Was it the one you spilled a drink on? No, that you think you tossed in the wash pile in your quarters. It was probably still there actually. You might need to do something about that pile before you let them come anywhere near there since you don’t think they’d be impressed by you going from clothes just out wherever to having a wash pile on the floor. If they did, that is. 

Last you remembered it was somewhere around here and you see it sticking out from some of the shit you had moved earlier. You guess you put it on the loungeplank and forgot about it until you needed it again. It’s an organized mess in here, like sure there was stuff everywhere but you knew where it was. Your old hoodie was over-sized on them, but one of your current jackets would functionally be a blanket unzipped on them. If they wore it, it would probably look like more of a dress. You didn’t trust them to not try to wear both at the same time and the thought of it was pretty funny. 

You grab it, quickly making sure that it is in fact clean, and drape it over them. You tuck the hair on their face behind their ear carefully, pausing when you see the studs they still had in, that you gave them when you pierced them sweeps ago. Your mind flashes back to the red you saw, bright and flushed and theirs, and how you felt being there, in that liminal space in your relationship with them. You weren’t expecting to be back in it again.

You linger by them for what is probably longer than normal, for reasons that are probably other than procrastination of something you didn’t want to do before heading to your desk and starting to set up a secure line, knowing for a fact that you typing won’t actually wake them. You sit in front of your screen and stare at it for a good bit. You’re dragging your ass and you know it. You know you have to. This is simultaneously one of the simplest and most difficult things you have ever had to do. And fuck, you do not want to do it.

You need to contact Tyzias. 

As you work, you note the time being the middle of the day. You hope that Stelsa was successful in dragging Tyzias’s ass into a coon at a normal time for once and how today was not the day you wanted to take advantage of knowing someone with a similarly shitty sleep schedule. 

You try to focus on knowing how happy they would be to see her and Stelsa. How she clearly cares about them given all she tried to do to help find them and even updated you on, even if it wasn’t particularly helpful. How they spent a decent amount of time hanging out around teals and probably had more experience dealing with them than you did. 

You are trying not to focus on knowing that you’d be sending them off onto another ship that you didn’t have control of, surrounded by other adult trolls, in a less isolated part of the fleet. That you would be sending them straight to one of the major nexuses of the rebellion, and that while you did your part, Tyzias was much more focused on some of the more direct interfacing. Your crew probably already thought you were some kind of freak based off of how quickly they bought them being a robot, whereas she has much more of an image to keep up so you don’t know how she would justify or explain having them around if they were seen, but she did also have Stelsa there with her. Would she tell them about the rebellion? Would they join? They would be such a tactical asset given their new powers that she would have to be an idiot not to try to involve them. The two of them already had a history and they cared so much about everything and everyone that they would be on board immediately. 

That really fucking worried you, and sure you are in on it too, and will never stop being being a hypocrite apparently, but you just got them back and were just going to throw them into this? You weren’t going to stop them and knew that you literally couldn’t, but you just really don’t want them getting hurt. You have no idea if the fleet was more or less dangerous than Alternia for them, just that the difference in size and strength had widened by a lot, and that this was as big as they were ever going to get.

But they also can time travel and teleport so maybe you aren’t giving them enough credit since death is now just kind of inconvenient for them because of their powers or some time goddess trailing behind them. Them getting powers didn’t seem to make them anymore durable though, just giving them knowledge of what not to do, and they are still extremely capable of dying as you’ve learned. They just don’t stay dead, which would maybe be more reassuring if they didn’t try as hard as they did to explain why it wasn’t a big deal and how it didn’t bother them much. Because it clearly fucking did and was never going to be a pleasant experience for them, even if they maybe didn’t truly die and a timeline ended more ambiguously for them before looping to another one. 

Had they already been looping while they were here? Did you already make other choices that you just didn’t think about like you didn’t before? What if you didn’t stay calm when you first saw them or told them to get off of your ship? You don’t know if those were constants or if they had been patient because there was a worse alternative. Would they tell you if it happened or would you just notice one night that they were having a harder time looking at you? 

They wouldn’t want to make you feel guilty for things you didn’t actually do, just apparently easily could have done, not a particularly comforting distinction. Even before, back on Alternia, they just had been going about life with you, dying on occasion, and neither of you knew. Now you both did and you aren’t sure how that is going to change things. 

You hold your head in your hands and exhale. Yeah, believing them and knowing this didn’t make anything easier. Are you just getting particularly stuck in your head about it or are other people going to have a hard time with this too? Would Tyzias?

You really need to contact her.

Most legislacerators are fairly easy to contact given their work, their office lines made public to different clientele based on blood color. You though, are working outside of typical hours and know she somehow keeps even busier outside of work with her never ending stream of side projects. There was a solid chance you wouldn’t hear back from her until evening. You weren’t worried about the security in reaching her. She is smart and has been in this longer than you have. You just taught her some basic shit, messed with her devices to make them more secure. So it isn’t really the security in contacting her that is worrying you, more so where to even fucking start once you do.

Should you message her telling her to contact you immediately, not an emergency, but still urgent? You didn’t want to scare her. You could definitely play off a decent amount of time with you not informing her about them as caution, it was, maybe towards the end less so. She isn’t going to kick your ass or anything, she is too busy for that, but she will absolutely be thinking about it. Hopefully, seeing them again will help take the edge off of how annoyed she is going to be with you. You aren’t worried about her cutting contact with you. You have a pretty unique skill set given your position, more just aren’t looking forward to her chewing you out, even if you do mostly deserve it. 

Your connection is finally established. Now, you just need to see how long it will take her to respond, if she responds today. You start typing a message to her, used to trying to keep things vague enough to give you that sweet, sweet plausible deniability. You learned a good amount from her too since she let you know that she wasn’t going to represent you on principle if you were dumb enough to get caught. 

“hey; i ran into our mutual friend;” 

Cool. Casual. Boring. Means absolutely nothing without context. 

“they = doing okay; we talked and caught up; call me when you have some time to yourself so we can catch up too;”

You know not to add any details as to when or where things happened, but she is smart and can read between the lines as to what you’re actually saying. 

They are alive and here, I know what happened to them and can fill you in, you need to be alone and in a secure place if you want to talk to me or them. 

Now all you have to do is wait. You don’t think you are going to get any sleep today and you are too wound up to start working on anything. So you wait, occasionally glancing over at them.

You get a message after about fifteen minutes. 

“call mmmme nowwww”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert Mallek filling Tyzias in on what happened because I am absolutely not going to do this twice in a row*


	20. Does anyone here even eat breakfast?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discussions are had, friends are reunited, a door miraculously remains on its' hinges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so it's been a bit, I've been and still am dealing with both the trials and tribulations of my job and have entered whatever level of hell is dedicated to formatting 100+ spreadsheets repeatedly based off of ever changing whims. I know I post irregularly enough that I don't have a set schedule, but I am hoping that the next update takes less time than this one did. Thanks again!

She starts speaking immediately.

“nowwww wwwwhen you say our mmmmutual friend-”

“i mean the alien;”

“you mmmmean the alien.” You can hear her take a deep breath before continuing. “and youre serious.”

“yeah; i = serious;” you say in a low, hushed tone, glancing over at them. “they = sleeping on my loungeplank right now;”

“howwww did you even find themmmm?”

“they found me;”

The disbelief was clear in her voice. “howwww? and youre sure it’s themmmm?”

“i != believe it either at first; but yeah; it = them;”

She takes a moment to process this, before her voice took on a more somber tone “I hadn’t heard anything about a newwww planet.” The previous dubiety in her voice had been quickly replaced with a grim understanding. You immediately knew what she was thinking of and apparently hadn’t been the only one dreading that scenario. 

“because there != one; no one found earth;” 

A heavy, unspoken “yet” hung between the two of you.

You had been keeping tabs on planets selected for conquest, looking for a match of a few key descriptors. So far you haven’t gotten any notifications about an “aqueous planet” with a “single, white moon” and “sentient life.” You seriously don’t even know how you’d react when you finally did. 

There was an audible sigh of relief, “okay.” She continued, collecting herself, “okay, so howwww did they find you?”

“they got on board my ship around our last restock and got delivered to my office one night pretending to be a robot;”

Silence. 

“they wwwwhat.”

“they still had my hoodie on and someone figured it was a label and brought them over;”

More silence.

“and it wwwworked?” you could practically hear the face she was making. 

“on my crew;” you quickly amended, knowing any additional detail about that whole mess would be irrelevant and derail the whole conversation. 

“wwwwhat the fuck kind of ship are you running mmmmallek?” she asks incredulously.

“look;” you breathed in, “it = either robot or alien that speaks perfect alternian and is somehow just really chill with us being around; which would you believe;”

“I mmmmean,” she pauses. “I guess?” She says with resigned acceptance. After they disappeared, most trolls thought they were just a really surreal meme or something and that it was hilarious that anyone would even ever believe an alien had been there in the first place. People who actually knew them though, had some really different feelings on it. 

“so they snuck on frommmm an immmmperial planet?” 

“no;” You pause, trying to think of a way of saying this that wouldn’t make Tyzias think you were completely out of your pan.

“wwwwell they didn’t just appear. wwwwhat even happened to themmmm in the first place?” She was starting to get more impatient and you couldn’t blame her.

“look; i am going to say some shit; and i need you to listen to me and not hang up;”

“okay?” she says questioningly.

“i just started believing this; and it = a lot;”

“i wwwwouldn’t surprised. mmmmost things wwwwith themmmm wwwwere.”

"even for them though; the robot thing; that was the most normal part of this; so you = going to need to be really cool wit-" 

She groans. “i swwwwear mmmmallek if you don’t start talking I ammmm going to drag you through the mmmmost inane bullshit judicially possible for your cerulean ass," She sounds so done and you haven't even started. Great.

“okay; i = going to give you the short version first;” You inhale, wondering at what part she was going to hang up.

“immmm listening”

“they got kidnapped;”

"that's,” she pauses, “plausible," she states suspiciously, clearly waiting for the bullshit. She doesn’t have to wait long.

“by a not human alien living on the green moon;”

She says nothing. 

"and they escaped because they touched something that gave them the power to teleport and time travel; and it was too much for them or something; so it made them lose their memories; they hung out on earth for a while and then back on alternia; made some new friends and one helped them get their memories back; and then they teleported onto my ship about two wipes ago;"

“twwwwo wwwwipes ago?” You hear respond through her teeth, accusingly.

“tyzias how = that what stood out to you;”

She sighs and you could feel her exhaustion as she gathers herself. "you knowwww I heard that energy drinks rot your pan, but this is," she stops, “did you decide that i wwwwas just sommmmeone wwwwho wwwwould appreciate this shit, just message your favorite mmmmalcontent wwwwho you knewwww wwwwould be awwwwake to shar-”

You cut her off. “yeah; see; this = what i meant;” 

"are they even really wwwwith you or is this just wwwwhat i have to look forwwwward to wwwwhen i finally reach a wwwwhole newwww echelon of fatigue?” 

"i wouldnt joke about them;"

You don’t know if there was a tone to your voice or if she just wanted to know how far off the deep end you’d jumped, she sighed, “wwwwhat is the long version then?” 

“you want to hear it;”

“not particularly but immmm not sleeping today anywwwways so mmmmight as wwwwell”

You get into it to the best of your ability, trying to keep things chronological as possible. There was just a lot to remember and you were still trying to process most of it to be honest. She hums in acknowledgement and asks for clarification from time to time which you were not expecting. It was hard to tell if the additional details were helping build a case with her or if she was wondering how the fuck she was going to find a new, more sane information specialist on such short notice to replace you. Finally, you get her to last night and the two of you settle into an uncomfortable lull. 

“so; yeah; like i said it = a lot to unpack;”

“it is,” She thinks for a moment before saying, “mmmmallek if youre fucking wwwwith mmmme i sww-”

“i != fucking with you;” 

“if you are i ammm going to mmmmaximmmmize the required in court appearances, just really wwwwaste your timmmme.” 

You don’t doubt her, “that just punishes both of us;” 

She snickers and her end is quiet for while, until she more softly asks, “howwww are they holding up?”

“as well as they can i guess; they just seem;” You think back to their face and their tone as they described everything that had happened. “they = really tired;” 

“i could believe that,” she says pensively and sighs. “wwwwhenever they wwwwake up, video call mmmme, i wwwwant to see themmmm for mmmmyself.”

“i will;”

“mmmmallek”

“yeah;”

“thanks”

“sure;”  
__________

You know from personal experience that there are a lot of design flaws in the human body.

Allergies are bullshit. Something in the environment looks a little bit too much like something else that might be harmful, so just to play it on the safe side, you die. A lot of things that kill you are apparently just your immune system fucking you over harder than most things that infect you. DNA gets a bit more broken every time you use it so you age and die. For some reason, this doesn’t happen to corn? A grain somehow had more forethought. But most of all, is sleep. And you don’t even mean the whole thing about the principle of having to be unconscious for an extended period of time regularly, because honestly, you really dig that. You really value getting a good day or night’s sleep. 

It’s the whole, “the more tired you are, the more effort you need to put into sleeping,” thing. Like if you are already exhausted, it is kinda weird that you have to put in extra energy that you don’t really have into making sure you’re less exhausted? Like you got to put in some work for that good sleep, the kind that causes you to wake up with sheet marks on your skin. You get it, you have to put something in to get something out, but still. There should be a thing for that. You don’t know what thing, but knowing what you do about the origin of the human species, it makes sense that most of this just was never thought about since it was kinda secondary to the whole purpose of your species existence. A purpose which, depending on who you asked (you don’t), you either liberated them from, or just grabbed that little timeline thread and yanked it as hard as you could in another direction with no concern for the rest of the fabric of reality. 

It’s probably fine. You’re all still here and you’ve heard of weirder paradoxes. Caused a few of them too. You’re fine, you are all fine. The fabric of reality is fine. It can take a few hits and paradoxes and walk it off with the same resilience of a kid getting nailed by a dodgeball. Plus if it isn’t, you can just stitch that shit right back together. It’s a sturdy fabric. Much like the one draped on you now. 

You start to stir, beginning to become more aware of your surroundings. You are definitely not under your tarp or in your closet since you moved and didn’t hear everything around you crinkle, just typing. You look around and confirm you aren’t in your hive, remembering yesterday as you take in your surroundings. Going through everything was maybe not pleasant, but goddamn you needed that. Damn, who even knew about the cathartic powers of emotional catharsis? 

You don’t know if it’s that or if you just had your first good sleep in a while, or more than likely some combination of the two, but you’re feeling pretty good right now, less tired, like some of that exhaustion that no amount of sleep can shake off dissipated. You glance down at your arm. Your sleeve had ridden up in your sleep. 

Sheet marks. Hell yes. Candidly talking about what happened and being adequately well-rested for once? You are a self care wizard. All you need now is some kind of face mask to bring this shit to the outside too and then you’ll have enough self-care to store up in you to last you until the next inevitable nonsense, like some kind of mental health camel. 

Sitting up you look down at the fabric on you. What you thought might have been a blanket was a jacket with a familiar cerulean zigzag. You become very conscious of its weight, not just the material, but also the gesture. It's sweet. It’s familiar. It would also absolutely be ruined if you walked away with a 2x jacket hoodie combo. 

You know you could pull it off, even without some kind of belt, to try to bring this shit together, but know that there would be some questions raised as to why the fuck you have this. The hoodie was oversized, but still closer to your size than the jacket, which was undeniably very much his and recent, and no amount of confidence on your part would shake that off. Might as well not repay him by giving him the reputation of a guy who got very uncomfortably attached to a robot no one can find the records for. Yeah.

Deciding to give up on that endeavor, however reluctantly, you drape it over the couch and walk over to unsurprisingly see him working on something. He pauses as you approach. 

"hey;"

"Hey."

"= you good; you were out for while;" 

"Yeah. Sleep tends to do that." You grin at him as he rolls his eyes, "but I'm good. Thanks for the jacket. I appreciate it."

"sure;" He smiled at you in a way you hadn't seen in a while before remembering something, "also i managed to talk to tyzias while you were out;" 

Your eyes widen, "really?" 

"yeah; she wants to talk to you; and make sure i != out my pan by confirming you = actually real;" he adds in. 

"When?" 

"= now good;" 

"I can clear my schedule for her."

He chuckles and you lean against his chair and watch him send a message on a husktop on his desk asking if she's still able to talk. A call request was sent back almost instantly. He fiddles a bit with the husktop before passing it to you.

“here; so you can get some space; = you good from here;”

A program is open with either the option to accept or decline a call. You can only imagine what he’s had to deal with since he asked. Recalling the Grand Highblood, you think you might have an idea or two.

“Thanks, but I think I can figure it out from here.” 

He nods at you and you head back over to the couch, not wanting to have a conversation literally right next to him. Sitting down, you accept the call, and a window pops up, showing someone who is very undeniably Tyzias Entykk.

You and Tyzias look at each other for a long moment, taking each other in. 

She, like Mallek, has grown, and has taken on the characteristics of an adult troll, a dark gray complexion and larger horns. Everything about her now just seems sharper and more pronounced. You study her eyes, a bright teal vividly contrasting against her pupil slits and yellow sclera, they almost seem to glow to you. They look so different now, her color fully came in and irises grew, but for all they’ve changed, she still has the same look in them. Her relentless determination is still so clear to you. You are so glad to see that she kept that with everything that she’d been through, you don’t know what you’d do if she’d lost it.

Whatever surprise is on your face from how she has and hasn’t changed, she mirrors in how much you appear the same as the last time she ever saw you. 

You really missed her. If she keeps looking at you like that, you know you’re going to start crying.

So you break the stunned silence. “Long day?” You attempt to give her an easy grin, trying not to let the corners of your mouth waver as you speak.

“yeah.” She breathlessly agrees before breaking into her own familiar, dry smile. “you could say that.” She pauses, collecting herself, before amusedly asking, “i look that tired?”

“I don’t think I’d recognize you if you didn’t,” and you don’t have to consciously keep your smile up anymore when you hear her chuckle in response. It wasn’t surprising to see that the teal circles under her eyes were also something she kept. They might just be a permanent feature of her face at this point. 

She holds that look for a moment before asking, some concern evident in her voice, “mmmmallek filled mmmme in on wwwwhat happened. You freeze, pressing your lips into a straight line. 

“howwww are you doing?” She more seriously adds, “really?”

You exhale, that will never stop being a loaded question for you. “It's been rough Tyzias.” You glance over at Mallek, intensely reading a datapad and seemingly disinterested in your conversation. “But I’ve been doing a lot better lately, I’m just glad to see you guys again,” you see him ease a bit before focusing your attention back on her. “How about you? What have you been up to?”

“I passed mmmmy exammmms,” 

“Congratulations.”

“That wwwwas a wwwwhile ago.”

“Extremely belated congratulations.” 

She snickers. “Thank you. But otherwwwwise, just a lot of wwwworking and pissing as usual.”

You see Mallek make a face out of the corner of your eye. 

You give her a conspiratorial look. “I heard you even ended up getting a few others hydrated enough to join you.”

“i did, ive actually gotten pretty good at that.”

“I never doubted you.” You smile at her, truly meaning it. She is still exhausted but something else is starting to show under it as she looks back at you. 

“and youve apparently just been planet hopping freely?” she raises a brow at you, questioningly.

“Yes! I know how it sounds, but I can zap around wherever I want and it is mostly accurate. When too, but that just tends to get stressful since changing things, uh, changes things.” There was probably a more eloquent way of putting that but she seems to be following just fine if not just somewhat skeptical.

“this is because of wwwwhat happened right? not just like something that happens to all hummmmans wwwwhen they becommmme adults?” 

“No, but that would be really wild.” Oh God. Are you their baseline for the average human? Like on one hand you are pretty nondescript, but on the other you do too much wild shit to be anyone’s basis for understanding your species. You’re getting the feeling that you being the only human these guys know, has given them less of an understanding of humanity as a whole than if they had just never met you in the first place. 

She huffs a laugh, “so wwwwould i have to do anything or,” she trails off before taking a sip. You squint but you can’t tell if it is the same mug or not.

“Nope. It’s kind of more like finding someone based off of them more than where they are. So you could be anywhere and it wouldn’t really make a huge difference. Can I uh, is now a good time for you, I mean?”

“good a timmmme as any for an alien to crash into mmmmy life,” she says wryly, but you can feel the warmth in it. 

You’re pretty sure it was the other way around, with an alien crashing by you, but you appreciate the sentiment.

“Okay, so just,” you look at the background of her video, she looks like she’s in her personal office, and notice a filing cabinet with some space off to the side of it. “I don’t want to surprise or startle you or anything. So, I am going to appear right by the cabinet thing behind you. Please don’t throw anything at me.”

She sets her mug down and gestures her open palms at the screen. You nod at her.

“Cool.”

And you zap. This time it wasn’t fuzzy, there was no feeling of a rubber band snapping, you were just, simply, there. In front Tyzias, who had whipped around to look at you, mouth agape. You were just there now with her, just here with an old friend who you didn’t think you would ever see again, and you don’t even think. You launch yourself at her and hug her. She’s stiff and more solid than she used to beand you know you felt the impact more than she did. You feel her exhale as she wrapped her arms around you to hug you before pulling back. 

“you really did that,” she says more to herself, leaning back “huh.”

“And,” you pick up a pen on her desk, “I can also take anyone or anything with me as long as I’m touching it.” You zap back with it, now back in front of the husktop, you wave it in your hand in front of the camera, before zapping back with it and setting it back down on her desk. She no longer looks shocked, instead, she is looking at you intensely, clearly very deep in thought. 

“You okay?”

“immmm fine, this just,” she gives you a determined look, “this definitely changes things, or at least it could.”

You match her look. “Whatever you’re doing I want in Tyzias. I want to help.”

She give you a lopsided grin, “you still wwwwant to take on an oppressive regimmmme wwwwith mmmme?” 

“Anytime.” You bump your fist on her shoulder in a way that you hope was taken as a very meaningful gesture of comradery and not just super lame. 

She does it back to back to you and you’re so happy to see her again, and that she still also has no idea what is or isn’t cool.

“wwwwell, timmmme to get caught up,” she says as she rises.

“Now?”

“do you have other plans?” She says, knowing you do not in fact have any other plans.

“No, I just need to close the thing on the husktop and drop something off. It will be like ten minutes at most. I will be right back.” 

“go ahead, and tell your mmmmatesprit he wwwwont be in court anytimmmme soon.” She says this too offhandedly for you to feel much concern.

“Uh, okay?” You give her a thumbs up and zap back, end the call, fold the husktop, and take it back over to Mallek. 

”Tyzias says you won’t be in court anytime soon?” you ask more than state at him.

“great;” he huffs. 

“And thanks for setting the call up, it was really nice to see her again.”

You hand the husktop over to him and then put your cell phone and palmhusk on his desk. “!= problem;” He places it on a pile by him before picking up your palmhusk to inspect it.

“you still have this;” he asks, clearly amused. “does it even still work;”

“Yes, it’s just off” you say, a touch defensively, “a friend helped me get it to work again. It still has all my contacts. And,” you take it away from him with no resistance and put it back on the desk, placing your hand over it protectively as he snickers at you, “it's sentimental.” 

Plus, getting the blood out from all the little cracks in it when you first got it was hard enough. You have frankly put in so much effort into keeping it clean and in one piece and then Sollux even helped you keep it functional. You have too many emotions and memories tied up in your janky little device to consider getting another one. 

He flips open your Razr before eyeing the script on the keys before looking at you, “and this =;”

“Alien palmhusk or cellphone. Neither of them work out here so I figure if I might be doing anything sketchy, that it's best to leave them somewhere safe so I don’t drop them or anything.” 

Or have them be traced back to anyone you care about or give any detail that Earth exists.

“So, I am going to be catching up with Tyzias tonight, I’ll probably be back by daytime.” You remember you’re in space and that whatever loose day-night or night-day cycles you had been following now are just completely meaningless and gone. Your circadian rhythm is probably just dubstep at this point. “Or day adjacent, I guess.”

He tucks your devices away in a different pile before turning towards you. If there is an order to this, you haven’t discovered it yet. “cool; yeah i have my own stuff here with wrapping up that archiving project;” 

You nod. “Great.” 

And then neither of you two say anything, not sure of what to do now, and you are feeling increasingly awkward as you careen off of any social script you might have had. Fuck. 

At one point, the two of you had a routine, whenever you were going out, you’d let him know where and around when you’d be back, he’d tell you what he was up to, and you both just kinda did your own things. Just letting your matesprit know what was up like any respectful partner would. And you’d fallen into the trap of the familiarity of this exchange and forgotten what usually came next before you left. And now you’re just here with him and you kinda are but you aren’t and you briefly, impulsively, consider high fiving him, which, thank God you don’t do, because if you did, you’d have to teleport into space to just reflect on why you’re like this before looping again. 

It is while you are overthinking and trying not to panic that you are struck with the most profound little nugget of clarity you could ever hope for in this very moment. 

_This is stupid._

Apparently you aren’t the only one, because before you can actually do anything with that rational thought, you’re pulled into a hug. You immediately hug him back, relaxing your head against his shoulder.

He still smells like energy drinks and cloves. 

“be careful;” he quietly whispers against you.

You tighten you arms around him. “I will.”

Eventually, you pull back and see the serious look on his face. Keeping your arms on his, you try to give him a reassuring look, and more confidently repeat, “I will.” 

Whether or not it actually comforts him, he nods and you pull away from him. You take a few steps away, “I’ll be back soon.” You wave at him. 

And zap. 

Tyzias nearly chokes on her drink this time.

“Sorry!” You slap your hands over your mouth. Okay, that was too loud. You hold your arms out placatingly, and more quietly repeat, “sorry.”

“globes,” she slowly relaxes, “does anyone ever get used to that? ”

“Not really,” you sheepishly admit.

“figures,” she sighs and gets up, "so, howwww about you start by filling mmmme in on wwwwhat you learned on the mmmmoon and th-" 

She gets interrupted when the door flies open and in rushes a very worried, very large woman in a fluffy, hot pink bathrobe with matching slippers and headband, "ZIZI ARE YOU OKAY, I HEARD SO-," stops speaking and freezes the moment she looks at you, her face the image of shock. She is stunned silent and her teal eyes are wide and darting between you and Tyzias several times before settling back on you. She blinks a few times as she slowly brings her hand over her mouth. 

You meekly wave. 

“Hi Stelsa.”


	21. Robe Thoughts From a Robe Thot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stelsa is just trying to take in one thing at a time before going to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, I did really good and am (mostly) free from spreadsheet hell. I am hoping to be more active and update more often, but only can control so much. I am way more active on tumblr @heuristicallyinclined for homestuck and hiveswap stuff as well as occasional ask games and unprompted takes.

You don’t know what Stelsa was expecting to see after hearing someone shout in her matesprit’s office in the early evening, but it clearly was not this. This, of course, being your sudden continued existence suddenly continuing in her home. The loud and clear silence coming from her makes that painfully apparent. The Stelsa you knew was a whirlwind, constantly talking and moving and planning and doing. The one in front of you, the same woman who almost tore a door off of its hinges moments ago, had the wind knocked out of her the second she saw you. 

She probably didn’t have much of a game plan past, “check on Tyzias.” Which, well, you can relate. You are no stranger to stumbling into things with maybe an idea of a plan in mind and making things up as you go. You are fully prepared for being totally unprepared for basically everything that happens to you. At this point, it’s kind of your default in life. Given how organized and methodical she was, prepping for meetings well in advance and color coding in a way you thought only existed on aesthetic studying blogs, this might genuinely be the first time she’s ever been this totally unprepared to deal with something. To be fair, she has standards for herself that, up until now, have done a pretty solid job of preventing her from even having to think about preparing for this tier of improbability. 

Unfortunately for Stelsa, there is only so much having standards can do to prepare someone for situations involving you.

You on the other hand, have dealt with yourself your whole life, so maybe you should try to explain what the fuck it is she just walked into. Because the optics on this are questionable at best and the continued quiet is probably a sign that she isn’t taking this super well. So you smile, slowly bringing your hand back down in a very casual and relaxed stance, the only way you could even think of positioning yourself in a more humble and nonthreatening manner is if you had a metal folding chair you could sit backwards on. You would look so frank and attentive. Tragically, you do not, but you think you can still make the best of this. 

“So,” you start, “I’m alive. How’ve you been?” 

She doesn’t respond. Maybe the direct approach might have fumbled that a bit. A smidge of fumbling may have just occurred. 

Long pauses have never gone super well for you and you are starting to get nervous. You look over at Tyzias who immediately looks away from you and wearily looks down into her mug like it has some sort of way of navigating this hidden inside, before looking back at Stelsa, who again, is very much looking at you. The intensity of her eyes against the relative darkness is only adding to the feeling of being a deer caught in the headlights. 

Eventually, in what might be the only and longest time she’s ever been this still, she speaks, slowly drawing out, “ZIZI?” 

It’s such a relief to hear her voice, even if it was laced with some mild panic. It’s progress. You would be even more relieved if she took her eyes off of you when she did it, but hey, all in all, she is taking this pretty well. 

“yeah stels?” 

“THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU BEARS AN ABSOLUTELY STUNNING RESEMBLANCE TO OUR DECEASED FRIEND. IF I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, I WOULD SAY IT WAS THEM RIGHT HERE IN OUR HOME.” 

“it is themmmm,” Tyzias says evenly, the casualness of it clearly throwing her matesprit off, maybe being more prepared to deal with a hallucination instead of you really being here in flesh and blood and sheer audacity. 

Stelsa doesn’t seem to even know where to begin and instead just simply replies, “OH.” Tyzias’s answer is clearly overshadowed by the myriad of questions that sprouted from it. 

“it turns out they got kidnapped instead of culled. they escaped, found mmmmallek, then cammmme here.” She puts her hand on Stelsa’s arm, who is still locked in place. She does ease a bit from her statuesque stance, still visibly trying to take in quite a bit, “wwwwere fine,” she soothes, “they just startled mmmme wwwwhen they cammmme here.” She pauses before she decides to add, “by teleporting.” 

Damn. Okay, guess you’re just going to rip all the bandages off at the same time. You do a tiny tada motion with your hands. 

Stelsa pauses and blinks at you before turning to Tyzias with a tight smile, her bewilderment just etched onto her face. It takes a bit for her to form a reply to that. “WELL. THAT IS. CERTAINLY SOMETHING.” Her voice settles into some level of manageable bafflement. “WERE YOU ALREADY AWARE OF THIS SWEETHEART?” 

“no, i wwwwould have told you,” Tyzias reassures. “mmmmallek called mmmme in the mmmmiddle of the day and filled mmmme in. i just sawwww themmmm for the first timmmme again about a half hour ago. i just didnt wwwwant to wwwwwake you up until i confirmmmmed it wwwwas actually themmmm.” 

Goddamn it. You woke Stelsa up and she probably has a busy day because of course she does. 

“Sorry about waking you up,” you offer sheepishly, “It’s nice to see you again.” She fully focuses on you and you resist squirming under the intensity of it. It isn’t hostile, but you feel like you’re about to be run over by train Sezyat. Tyzias’s presence is only somewhat modulating things here as you are floundering on what to say next. 

You gesture at her general person, “I really like your ablution robe.”

You regret it as soon as you say it. How is this what you decided to go with? You sound like you exist solely to pilfer bathware from teals. And you don’t. You aren’t trying to at least. Plus, this one would drag behind you like you were some 14th century king adorned in the terriest of cloths. As bold as your fashion choices may be, that wasn’t really a direction you were necessarily willing to expand your aesthetic in. 

Maybe your inner panic is starting to maybe show on your face more as you become uncomfortably aware of your internal monologuing and the time passing while you do it and you look at Tyzias briefly, quickly widening your eyes at her, trying to convey to her with a single gesture that this is really all you got in you at the moment, but sheer desperation alone was not enough to convey this to her, that or she wanted to see where you were taking this. 

Nowhere good Tyzias. Nowhere good.

You flip through your mental rolodex of safe conversation starters since she isn’t really giving you much to go off of. Family? Not a thing and Tyzias was right here. You aren’t panicked enough to ask how someone in the room is doing. Friends? Wow. Hard pass. Work? Hell yeah. Bitches love talking about work. So in the voice of someone whose existence isn’t being visibly dissected and analyzed, the voice of someone who definitely is also gainfully employed and not just squatting and living rent free on an alien planet, you ask her, “So, how’s work going?” 

While you felt pretty good about the delivery of that, like it was your go-to at the office water cooler following jokes about weekends never lasting long enough, you can’t tell if Tyzias is giving you a tired look or if that’s just her face. Either way, it does something, because Stelsa moves closer to you, standing in your personal space. You look up at her and are actually feeling kind of intimidated. She always had such a goddamn presence to her and her natural speaking volume only added a layer to it since you could almost always feel her coming before you ever heard her, though you absolutely heard her. The presence she always outwardly conveyed is now amplified by her adult size. The fluff of the robe only further exaggerating the sheer muscle mass she has gained since you last saw her. 

Damn. Jazzercise, no doubt. 

You thought Nihkee’s session was just super intense, like everything she did, but it turned out, she was the rule, not the exception. Stelsa sounded so excited when you told her you did it once and always wanted someone to go to classes with. You couldn’t disappoint her, plus you were friends! This being one of the top five most normal things any of your friends here had asked you to do with them also didn’t hurt. You should have been tipped off by the fact that trolls didn’t feel the need to add some kind of scary sounding bullshit to it, the very word jazzercise was enough to send fear into the very soul of any intelligent being. 

So naturally, you signed up immediately. Got the bundle too. You thought you were being smart and saving money by buying the goddamn bundle. Never did you imagine you could lose so much more than that. 

No other exercise in the universe has been as physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to you as jazzercise. Especially when you survived the first few rounds and moved onto free form jazz with her. But you just couldn’t say no to Stelsa when she looked that excited to do something with you. It was through this grueling lesser form of torture, that you had your first nonclown based spiritual experience when you felt a clarity and you knew truly, deeply, and absolutely, that hell was real. 

Hell was real and leotards were mandatory. 

Your jazzercise flashbacks were cut short when you got grounded by the feeling of her putting a hand on your shoulder. She looks off to the side before looking back on you now, no longer scrutinizing you, but still just as intense. A different feeling causing the weight behind her gaze. A feeling you knew really well since you had been alone with it for so long. You saw it on Tyzias when she first saw you too. 

You reach out and put your hand over hers in what you assume is the peak gesture of platonic intimacy and understanding. Your hand brushes by her sleeve as you do so and her robe is somehow even softer than it looks.

No. Stop that. You’re better than this. No robe thoughts.

“IT’S GOING WELL.” She breathes in deeply and pauses before continuing. “WE WERE ALL THINKING THE ABSOLUTE WORST HAD HAPPENED TO YOU,” there was the slightest quiver in her voice. “I,” she exhales and smiles, “IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” 

“It’s good to see you too,” you match her look as well as you can. You missed her. 

“wwwwe wwwwere going to catch up if you wwwwant to join in,” Tyzias offers.

"I WOULD LOVE TO.” She glances up at a clock hanging on the wall and her eyebrows shoot up as she becomes aware of time again. “OH! BUT NOT AT THE MOMENT. I STILL HAVE CLIENTS TO MEET WITH TONIGHT AND I AM ALREADY BEHIND AND WOULDN’T EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM.” She looks back down at you, “YOU HAVEN’T EATEN YET THIS EVENING HAVE YOU?”

“Nope.” She moves her hand to your back and easily leads you in front of her out of Tyzias’s office and into the hallway. You look back to see Tyzias trailing behind you. 

“THEN YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING WHILE YOU ARE HERE,” she enthuses at you.

You grin, you can’t say no to her when she gets like this. Not that you’d want to, because you could really go for some breakfast. She gestures to their kitchen table, “JUST MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE. I AM GOING TO WHIP UP SOME COFFEE REAL QUICK.” You seat yourself on the closest chair, legs dangling off the edge as you watch them go about their evening.

Tyzias opens a cabinet and grabs a bag of coffee and passes it to Stelsa, who opens a drawer and grabs a measuring spoon before bumping it shut with her hip and starts measuring it out and putting it in the grinder. Tyzias places a filter in the coffee machine and Stelsa presses a quick kiss to her temple before glancing back, remembering you’re there, and quickly turning around to move the grounds into the coffee machine. 

Tyzias grins, unphased and feels around a different shelf and opens a box and hands you some kind of breakfast bar, before taking another for herself, and setting another one down at an empty seat at the table. Stelsa turns on the coffee machine and hands Tyzias a fresh mug full of water before leaving the room to get dressed. They really are coordinated and seem to have an established routine. This is all so intimate as they go about it and you feel like you’re a creep intruding on their evening ritual, but at the same time, it’s nice that they still trust you enough after this long to let you be privy to this part of their lives. 

Stelsa reenters, fully dressed, and makes a beeline for the coffee pot. “DO YOU ALSO WANT COFFEE DARLING?” 

You look up at Tyzias. Damn. Guess the fleet really does change people. She’s always been willing to put herself through a lot for the greater good, but you thought she drew a firm line at caffeine. Then after a moment you notice that she, and Stelsa, are looking at you expectantly and realize that she meant you. 

“Yes please. Black.” She hums in acknowledgement and pours some in a mug for you. 

You love it when Stelsa calls you darling, especially after you two got closer and it stopped just being a way of sweet talking a potential client. Really, just about any nicknames from friends make you happy. It’s like the verbal equivalent of a hug. Best of all, when she does it, it doesn’t make you want to crawl out of your flesh whatsoever, which is more than you can say about some people who you will not think about right now who called you that and worse things regularly. You focus instead on how you’re in the very fortunate position of seeing your old friends and drinking coffee that tastes like coffee and feels no need to advertise that fact, something you can no longer take for granted. 

Stelsa pours the rest of the carafe into a massive teal thermos with her sign on it on one side and on the other side, some sophisticated office humor about needing her coffee that you can't totally make out at this angle. She grabs the bar from the table and slips it into her pocket, speaking the whole time, “I NEED TO GET OUT THE DOOR, BUT I WILL DEFINITELY BE SURE TO SET SOMETHING UP WITH YOU.” She shakes your hand, not realizing she’s back in her business persona.

“Sounds great. How?” 

“ZIZI AND I HAVE A SHARED CALENDAR.”

“Peak romance.”

She gleams at you, “ISN’T IT?” She turns to Tyzias, ready to shake her hand as well, which Tyzias does and you see Stelsa immediately realize she’s been on autopilot.

“i’ll wwwwork sommmmething out wwwwith their people.” She replies through a grin.

Stelsa chuckles self consciously, before leaning in to kiss her, stopping again remembering that you’re still here, and hesitates, you guess not wanting to offend your nonexistent delicate alien sensibilities, before compromising by pecking her forehead. “BYE! FLUSHED FOR YOU.” She calls out as she heads out. 

Tyzias leans her head back, “flushed for you too.” Hearing the door lock, she turns to you. “that wwwwent wwwwell.”

“You think so? Because I feel like she just really wanted to get on to something she knew what to do with.”

“don't wwwworry. she just needs sommmme timmmme to take it in. plus, her being behind for the rest of the night wwwwouldn't help anyone.”

“How about you?”

“mmmme? i’mmmm alwwwways wwwworking.” 

“Not with me here.”

“it’s fine. I mmmmanaged to get ahead on a fewwww things overday to mmmmake timmmme this evening, so you have a wwwwhile before i have to kick you out,” she adds with a lopsided smile. 

The weight of her making time isn’t lost on you. “Thanks.” You take a sip of your coffee.

“Does Stelsa,” you start, she raises a brow at you as you try to figure out how to phrase this delicately, “I mean does she, uh, know, about the thing?” 

“the thing?” she repeats.

You tilt your head at her.

“she’s a part of it,” she plainly responds. 

“Really?” You don’t hide your surprise. “How did that happen?”

“It wwwwasn’t easy.” She pauses, thinking to herself for a moment, ”exammmms and ordeals wwwwere commmming up, so everyone wwwwas already stressed and you disappearing had everyone more on edge. it wwwwas basically immmmpossible to not talk about alternia.”

You nod and she stares down at her drink.

“so wwwwe couldn’t push it off anymore and had a fewwww bad fights that didn’t actually go anywwwwhere since mmmmost of it boiled dowwwwn to arguing if we should even talk about it or not instead of actual topic. things wwwwould get wwwweird the next night and wwwwe almmmmost broke up over it a couple of times.”

She looks up at you again.

“apparently sommmmeone encouraged her to talk things through, even if she doesn’t like conflict. so eventually, wwwwe did. for an entire day. and then a fewwww mmmmore timmmmes after that. she isnt pro emmmmpire as mmmmuch as she is pro not getting culled or wwwwatching mmmme get culled, wwwwhich, wwwwe had in commmmmmmon. and if youre smmmmart, " she taps her temple," they arent mmmmutually exclusive things.” 

“And you are very smart.”

“trying to be, at least.” She smiles briefly before dryly adding, ”plus, it’s hard to enact change as a corpse. anywwwways, commmmmmmmunication is immmmportant.” She holds her mug as she slides it across the table and lightly bumps it against yours before pulling back in what you think is an approximation of a “cheers.” You snicker at her.

“so wwwwe stayed together, passed our exammmms, then our ordeals, got assigned together, and nowwww, here wwwwe are,” she adds with a hollow flourish, “mmmmodel citizens.” 

“Damn. What happened?” you tease as she starts to unwrap her breakfast. 

“i got an appearance to keep up wwwwith.”

You grin, “as a young, vicious legislacerator just full of ambition clawing her way up the ranks?”

“yeah, sure,” she snorts before looking at you seriously, “but i ammmm getting a reputation.”

“For?”

She takes a bite out of her bar. “being a staunch immmmperialist.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like quick and easy food is their staple followed by delivery when they get to chill together. 
> 
> Is there anything more intimate than giving someone access to your personal calendar? No.


	22. Fun New Flavors of Treason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mspa Reader catches up with Tyzias night and day jobs. Gets offered a job of their own.
> 
>   
> Alternatively, I tried to make dropping background info and plot palatable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what's a fun song about being a lawyer? Don't be a lawyer. I think of her when I hear it.

You blink. 

That was not a thing you saw coming. Granted, you don’t exactly see most of what happens to you coming. You think you kinda completely gave up on that little endeavor somewhere around becoming a partner at a law firm and assisted alleyway clownicide during an art heist. There were other things sure, but honestly, between the unprompted stable employment and you stabbing a clown, you had made your peace with basically nothing ever actually making any goddamn sense. 

At least the lack of predictability keeps things interesting. It probably has even helped you build a lot of character! You’re sure that the incessant life-threatening and bizarre situations you've constantly been through have helped shape you into a very unique individual with distinct traits and a very clearly defined personality. That each individual you’ve met and befriended has impacted you as profoundly as you’ve hopefully impacted them. That each experience has taken you more and more away from being a blank slate for others to project on and turned you into someone with actual agency that exists in some way outside of, and not just because of, their friend making endeavors. 

Yep! That’s you! A multifaceted person, who happens to be shaped like a friend, developed as fuck and emotionally swole, with loads of hidden inner depth. 

But, while you’ve learned a lot about and accepted, how complicated people can be with their own inner depths, “imperial shill Tyzias” was not something you think you could have ever prepared for. It is throwing you for a loop or two. You stare at her, waiting for her to go “psyche.”

Alas, there was no “psyche” and she just takes another bite. Oh shit. She is not joking. Well, okay then. Right back to basically nothing ever making any goddamn sense you guess. You wonder aloud how one goes from wanting to dismantle oppression board by board to kissing scaly ass. She gives a single laugh as an exhale, more to herself than you, before looking up at you.

“sommmmetimmmmes you have to play the long gammmme to mmmmake change.” She pauses to consider her words before continuing, “only high ranking legislacerators recognized by their service to to emmmmpire get appointed to the commmmiserytee of legislaceration, wwwwhere lawwwws get reviewwwwed, edited, and ammmmeded. Very rarely, created or throwwwwn out entirely. getting an appointmmmment there is likely mmmmy biggest chance accommmmplishing anything that’ll last beyond mmmmy lifetimmmme.”

And there she intends to start tossing shit out?

“i wwwwish,” she huffs, “but these things need to be a bit mmmmore subtle than that to actually last, like adding ammmmendmmmments or rewwwwordings that sound good on the surface, but create mmmmore loopholes that mmmmost people wwwwwouldn’t even consider.” She adds, “unless they wwwwere specifically looking for themmmm.”

You are definitely picking up what she is putting down and hopefully future subversive teals will too. You assume she already has a law in mind. 

“a fewwww actually.”

You grin at her. Of course she does. But will these edits actually be accepted?

“mmmmost of wwwhat they seemmmm to do is wwwwrite self-congratulatory garbage that reaffirmmmms the lawwwws and normmmms already in place. that, and produce just enough busywwwwork edits to justify their existence. i think i can mmmmanage.”

Sounds like a real fun club. You wish you could join, but you guess you’ll have to settle with the similar sounding energy of a group of rich, straight, white guys describing their groundbreaking work in a creative writing class. 

“i have no cultural context for that commmmparison, but okay.” 

It’s fine. As her friend, you would never do anything to put her in a position where she would understand that reference anyways. She squints at you, deciding whether or not she wanted an elaboration, before just giving you a nod. Good call. Yeah, so anyways, the admission fee is her soul?

“mmmmore or less, though i learned a thing or twwwwo about spin along the wwwway. it helps slowwww the descent into becommmming a commmmplete and total sellout,” she mirthlessly adds before continuing. 

“so mmmmost people viewwww justice and the emmnmpress’s wwwwill to be the sammmme thing. legislacerators are mmmmerely the tool used to interpret and apply her wwwwill in court cases and call the outcommmme justice." She looks over at you, you nod. "her favor leans towwwwards the higher caste by default, so you can't really hold highbloods truly accountable for anything they do to any caste belowwww themmmm, that wwwwould be too mmmmuch to ask for.” She rolls her eyes. “but, in sommmme court cases, you can hold themmmm to the standards of excellence the emmmmpress demmmnands from their caste, wwwwhich is the next best thing. use the rules of the systemmmm against those who normmmmally get to benefit frommmm it.

So basically flipping things from a straight blood color thing to a hemospectrum enforcement thing?

“in a wwwway,” she draws. You settle in, knowing her long enough to know when you’re about to get her really going and God you missed her legal rants. Talking about this stuff out loud always seemed to get her reenergized for awhile, which certainly was it’s own reward. Her looking awake is some real tasty chicken soup for the soul. But you also enjoyed the second hand burst of energy and motivation that you got from it. Feeling like you can do anything because she is out here, trying to reform things no matter how dismal shit looks, and you’re out here, making friends and finding old ones no matter what. While you’re both fighting against forces bigger than you, yours sounds a little lame in comparison actually. But still! 

Noticing you settling in, you get a knowing look from her and she shakes her head, but she’s grinning. You give her the universal hand gesture for, “go off my good bitch.” 

And off she goes.

“ultimmmmately, no one is above the emmmmpress. her wwwword is lawwww. that is the mmmmain foundation of our court systemmmmm,” She takes a sip, “but so is our species existing to serve her and act wwwwith deference to her in mmmmind. instead of arguing over wwwwhether a highblood had the right to do sommmmething, wwwwhich is pretty fucking pointless,” she quickly adds, “you instead can argue about if are they behaving in a wwwway that best serves her and are they upholding their responsibilities to their caste and the emmmmmpire. arguing it at that angle mmmmakes it less that I ammmm out here going after highbloods for their shit and mmmmore that i ammmm enforcing that her powwwwer is absolute and ensuring that all castes are used to mmmmost effectively serve our wwwwonderful emmmmpire and the scaly ass sitting on it’s throne.”

Like how?

“traditionally, mmmmost cases tend to go to wwwwhoever has the higher blood color, that or punish everyone wwwwho is lowwww enough to be seen as wwwwasting the court’s time. though, sommmmetimes you get lucky and can add in sommmme nuance. for exammmmple, a wwwwhile back, i wwwwon a case wwwwhere an indigo captain wwwwas skimmmmmmmming funds off of wwwwhat wwwwas supposed to go to ship mmmmaintenance. he got caught and wwwwas absolutely going to get culled. )(IC does not fuck around in the slightest wwwwhen it comes to mmmmoney. the spiteful fuck tried throwwwwing his auditerrorizer and a fewwww others onboard under the ommmmniscuttlebuggy with himmmm. i represented the emmmmpire and it wwwwas a wwwwhole commmmplicated mmmmess. but basically, i argued that they acted in deference to his superior blood color as they wwwwere expected to, upholding the systemmmm. he acted in violation of a superior's orders and mmmmismmmmanaged immmmperial funds, by extension, disregarded the hemmmmospectrum for his owwwwn personal gain, thus levying additional charges.”

Wow. You would have thought they just would have culled everyone and called it a night.

“they did.” She takes another sip.

You thought she won?

“the courtblock is a reflection of the emmmmpire. wwwhen the emmmmpire wwwwins, everyone else loses. no survivors. since this wwwwas a cull everyone and start fresh kind of case, wwwwinning wwwwasn’t about getting their charges dropped, mmmmore adding onto his, turning it into a mmmmatter of themmmm followwwwing the spectrummmm and himmmm not. the additional charges to the captain served to resolidify a previous precedent that had been set in a lesser knowwwwn case and reintroduced the argummmment as a contemmmmporary tactic for cases against higher castes due to the counterpoints raising sommmme unsavory questions.”

“at wwwwhat caste or wwwwhat level of service does sommmmeone get to disregard the lawwww as it relates to the emmmmpress? If they wwwwere guilty of a crimmmme then it was his responsibility to cull themmmm. wwwwhen can a highblood decide they don’t have to followwww the spectrummmm? at least this wwwway, highbloods are actually held to the standards that the emmmmpress has set for themmmm and falling short of themmmm is a failure to uphold the spectrummmm and seen as an equivalent to failing to serve the emmmmpire.“

It is quite a bit to take in, you nod, trying to follow along. 

“it also mmmmakes it look like I ammmm relentlessly dedicated to doing mmmmy job by going after haughty highbloods thinking they are above the spectrummmm they serve and less like a teal on a suicidal powwwwer trip.” She stops and gives a short laugh, ”mmmmostly.”

She considers for a moment, not looking at you so much as through you, as she picks apart her work. “It isn’t perfect. It’s brutal and i don’t knowwww that i wwwwould call subjecting themmmm to an unjust systemmmm to be true justice so mmmmuch as it is a perpetuation of the systemmmm itself. it takes advantage of spectators wwwwanting to see mmmmore violence and it doesn’t actually do mmmmmuch for lowbloods in court, but goddammmmn, at least it is sommmmething. i just wwwwant sommmme fucking accountability.” she sighs exasperatedly, “and if it mmmmakes older highbloods wwwwho think that standards have fallen, that I ammmm ensuring that only the best are allowwwwed to represent their caste, then wwwwhat the hell.” 

Have they?

“No. They just wwwwant to bitch about younger generations and technology and get sommmme satisfaction wwwwhen sommmmeone wwwwho could replace themmmm one night gets culled. It is still pretty hard to go after the old guard, but immm wwwworking on it.” You don’t doubt it. 

She looks down and takes a deep breath and releases a groan you can feel vibrate the table when she notices her mug is empty. You take advantage of being on an extremely short list of people who can take her mug from her while keeping all of their appendages intact and get up and grab it along with yours to refill them, because goddamn, that was a mouthful. 

You pass it back and sit down as she gives you a lopsided smile from pressing her head to her hand. So that’s her night job. She also made time to fight in the rebellion?”

She chuckles and gestures to herself. “look, I knowwww ive growwwwwn, but so has literally everyone else if you haven't already noticed.” You squint at her as she sizes you up, er, down. “wwwwell, mmmmostly everyone,” she amends. Incredible. 

"i dont think a real fight against another troll wwwwould go partially wwwwell for mmmmy scrawwwwny ass.” 

Does she still have her gavel?

“it wwwwouldn’t help.”

She’d look cool.

“yeah. then i’d look dead.” She smiles humorlessly, “any kind of physical conflict wwwwould end in everyone getting culled. wwwwe dont have the wwwweapons or nummmmbers to even entertain that and wwwwith the wwwway the fleet is organized, best case scenario, wwwwe mmmmight have independent little pockets for a fewwww nights wwwwhich wwwwould eventually just get fired upon by other ships. that wwwwould be wwwworse than pointless since every timmmme a rebellion gets traction and fails, control just gets tighter and things get wwwworse. i don’t knowwww wwwwhat that wwwwould even look like at this point, but i dont doubt the emmmmpress’s creativity or capability of brutality.” 

So what does that leave them with?

“if you can’t overpowwwwer or overthrowwww, that leaves you wwwwith outlasting or outsmmmmarting. doing things that look fairly innocuous and that if caught wwwwill get wwwwritten off as incommmmpetence rather than rebellion. gathering informmmmation wwwwhile staying under the radar and wwwworking wwwwithin the systemmmm and using it’s owwwwn rules strengths against it to create an underground netwwwwork of resistance.” 

"lowwwwbloods are viewwwwed as pretty interchangeable in the fleet and get reassigned fairly haphazardly as needed to avoid the risk of themmmm organizing. wwwwhich mmmmakes themmmm incredibly mmmmobile and solid mmmmessengers and informmmmation gatherers. they also tend to be the ones recruiting other lowwwwbloods. highbloods on the other frond, tend to stay in their posts once assigned for longer periods of timmmme until one a higher up gets reassigned or culled and they replace themmmm, wwwwhich mmmmakes themmmm mmmmore of a long-termmmm investmmmment to get mmmmore influence. on the dowwwwnside, they need to play the gammmme longer so you can’t really risk mmmmuch wwwwith potentially mmmmore immmmperialist lowwwwbloods under themmmm.” 

This is actually a lot of information. Either she doesn’t really talk about this or she knows that you super want to hear this. 

“using informmmmation gathered you can identify potential candidates to recruit, or mmmmore importantly, wwwwho to avoid. rebels involved in reassigning people can mmmmake placemmmments mmmmore strategic, increasing intelligence, and mmmmoving vulnerable people around to posts with less aggressive leadership as wwwwell as supplies to more covert factions. i don’t knowwww if things wwwwill ever be good under )(IC, but I at least have the powwwwer to mmmmake things mmmmarginally less bad. so here I ammmm.” She slumps back in her chair and stretches. Despite the previous outburst, you can really tell she stayed up all day.

Huh. You just realized. Trizza didn’t make it then.

She gives a quick, rueful laugh, “fuck no. trizza didn’t last a mmmminute against her. i’mmmm pretty sure her entire voyage to the emmmmpress’s flagship wwwwas a party just because she knewwww she wwwwas going to get culled.”

You frown. You didn’t like Trizza, you hated what she gleefully upheld and embraced, but even still, you didn’t feel any kind of happiness to hear that she died like that. Like sure, absolutely, fuck Trizza. She was a spoiled, sadistic bitch. But to some extent, she was just a product of her environment and she did do everything the way she was told to do it and her only reward at the end of it all was the business end of the Empress’s 2x3. 

Maybe you’d live it up too if you knew that you were a glorified figurehead with extremely little political sway and were functionally just a placeholder for the Empress, interchangeable with basically any other Heiress, and that you would eventually be carted off to your death in space with everyone celebrating your glorious departure knowing that you were probably going to die. 

Next Heiress. Rinse and repeat. 

“trizza actually banned sarcasmmmm before she left.”

What?

“she banned sarcasmmmm because of sommmme of the chits she got wwwwishing her wwwwell before she departed and mmmmade a decree before she left. so that’s really her lasting legacy on alternia.” You can practically see her roll her eyes into the back of her head.

Well, now that you think about it, that explains a bit. Does she know anything about the current Heiress?

"she exists.” she offers half-heartedly before seeing your face and continuing, “once you get out into space, wwwwhat happens on alternia doesn’t really affect you anymmmmore, and the only timmmme you hear about an heiress is wwwwhen the emmmmpress culls another one.”

Oh. You thought she’d know something at least. Well, the current Heiress, her name’s Feferi, she’s great. Really sweet kid. Her politics align a lot more with Tyzias’s than the Empress’s and she wants to try to reform the system. She has some ideas, that granted, might need some work, but she is 6, so like, you can cut her some slack.

“you personally knowwww the heiress?” she chuckles.

Yes.

Tyzias snaps up, and studies your face. “oh shit, you’re actually serious.”

Yeah, she’s invited me to her hive a few times.

“you have been in the heiress’s hive,” she repeats.

After she saved you from drowning. Her lusus kinda encouraged the two of us to be worldly partners or spiritual siblings or something. They’re both equally true. It’s complicated. 

“you know wwwwhat? fine. fuck it." She raises her hands in defeat. "you’re friends wwwwith the heiress and you commmmmmmmuned wwwwith her daymmmmarish lusus. tonight is just the fucking night wwwwhere anything goes.”

Yeah, but that's mostly always true with you. Though Alternia still seems pretty rough, despite her politics. 

“i’mmmm not surprised. the heiress is still under the emmmmpress and acts wwwwith wwwwhatever powwwwer she allowwwws to mmmmaintain the hemmmmospectrum in preparation for the entire planet's eventual subservience to her.” 

Well. That makes sense then. If the drones have the equivalent of parental controls on them, the Heiress can’t ask for things the Empress wouldn’t allow, like, say, not routinely leveling whole neighborhoods. So despite wanting change, Feferi’s kinda stuck. You wonder how many Heiresses there were between )(IC’s coronation and her. Feferi probably knows. She probably doesn’t get to forget about it, desperately trying to do everything she can to not become another bloodstain on the palatial floors. It just really fucks you up that she’s thirteen. 

Would she, uh, ever like to meet her?

She just stares at you. “i didn’t think it wwwwas physically possible for mmmme to find newwww treasonous acts to commmmmmmmit, but here you are, adding unauthorized contact wwwwith alternia, unauthorized contact wwwwith mmmminors, and conspiring wwwwith the heiress to that list. you knowwww wwwwhat?" She thinks for a moment. "i’ll get back to you on that.” She exhales and breathlessly laughs at the ridiculousness of the whole situation and you join her.

It’s been a bit over an hour since you first saw each other again and in that time, you came back from the dead, teleported into her hive, teleported out of her hive, teleported back into her hive, startled and stupefied her matesprit, contemplated robe theft, drank her coffee, talked about her subtle anti-establishment career goals, and super illegal rebel activities. At this point, how much of a stretch is conspiring with an Heiress? Really? 

“can’t argue wwwwith that,” she replies, “i literally do not knowwww howwww to begin arguing wwwwith that. i hope you get the wwwweight of that statemmmment given mmmmy profession.”

You smile at her. You do.

“wwwwait. wwwwhat robe theft?” She raises a brow. 

There was no theft. It’s fine. Hey, you should share your stuff with her. You’ve made her speak too much and really should contribute an equal amount of information. You are sure she needs her vocal constrictors in peak condition for the courtblock. Got to keep them nice and lukewarm for optimal legislaceratoring. Tyzias shows you grace and allows your extremely transparent ploy to get off that topic and hopefully to never hear you use the word “legislaceratoring” again. So she gets the full, moderately abridged story. She might have made a career out of speaking, but damn, she is also a solid listener. You go through another two cups of coffee and by the end of it, you’re still wiped. How does she do this for hours?

You two just relax in quiet for a bit as you mull over the information the two of you had learned. You know you gave her a a lot to unpack, and maybe felt a little bad adding to her mental burden, but if anyone can handle the reality of the situation, it's her. You’re actually just, really, really proud of her. Of both of them really. Just killing it at work and having a solid relationship and still managing to be a part of the rebellion after all the stress and studying and fighting. They deserve this. You can only hope the rest of your friends are doing this well even though you know that’s likely not the case. You can hope. Maybe you can even help make things better for them. 

Hey Tyzias?

“hmmmm?” 

Earlier, when she saw you, she said, “that this changes things.” What did she mean by that?

“you heard all that and you still wwwwant to join?” She smirks.

Yeah. It’s as good a way as any to make a change and get back at Doc Scratch by helping undo some of the damage he’s done to them. What did she have in mind?

She gives you a calculated look. “all commmmmmmmunication across all ships is heavily mmmmmonitored. ready to drowwwwn any hint of dissent. the only safe thing is analog wwwwhich is only viable for short distances or quick interactions and be unfeasible over the greater expanse of the emmmmpire. or at least normmmmally, it wwwwould be.” 

You looked at her as you straightened up on your chair, grin widening as understanding slowly hit you. Damn, if what goes around does not in fact come right back the fuck around. You half scramble the rest of the way onto the table and rest both your hands on it as you lean towards her, not wanting to miss a word. 

“that’s wwwwhere you wwwwould commmme in. instant untraceable transport capable of carrying almmmmost anything or anyone across anywwwwhere in space.” 

This was it, a role for you in the rebellion. One of the most essential tasks anyone could ever think of. For the first time in your life, you can honestly say you are fully qualified for the position. 

"Tyzias, are you asking me to be a mailman?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They really just spoke that into existence, huh?


	23. And You May Ask Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyzias learns about more about mailmen and Mspa Reader learns less about time. A call is begrudgingly made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another two perspective chapter. Enjoy.
> 
> Chapter title is from, Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime, a song where someone just doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

"a wwwwhat?” 

She blinks and the intense look on her face immediately drops into a confused one. “i wwwwas going to say mmmmessassinenger or delivoreator. wwwwhat the fuck is a mmmmailmmmman?” A crease forms between her brows as she struggles to make sense of what you said.

Oh. Shit.

You got so caught up in the sheer euphoria of something almost making some sort of sense for the first time in your life that you forgot that the word “mailman” meant nothing to her. 

You sheepishly lower yourself back down to your elbows and slide down back into your seat with a plop. You’re not gonna lie, you really got going there for a second. But still, a mailman by any other name is just as neat and this has barely even dented your enthusiasm. More of a scuff if you think about it. 

So, a mailman is basically just the human version of those jobs. Minus the implied violence. 

Probably. 

You’ve never actually stopped and thought about how hardcore mail could be. Maybe the wildest thing you could imagine is having to deal with an errant dog chasing you or something? Otherwise, you think it’s mostly weather you deal with. 

“then sure. wwwwhatever you wwwwant to call it then. do mmmmailmmmmen mmmmake deliveries?”

Ha. Do mailmen make deliveries?

“do they?” She repeats flatly. 

Oh. Well, yes. They do actually.

“great. then congratulations, you’re a mmmmailmmmman.”

Hell yeah! You’re a mailman! 

It’s all coming together now. You don’t know how, but it is all coming together into some kind of intangible something. Did you somehow set the wheels for this in motion when you impersonated a mailman? Or did you defiling the honest work of a noble postal worker lead you to having to take on the role as penance for your heinous crime? Didn’t you technically commit mail fraud when you claimed to be a robot? Or that time you pulled some temporal antics to tamper with a delivery? That was most likely illegal. Was it from you assaulting and abducting a postman with a teenage girl? 

She squints, her mouth slightly agape as you continue confessing to various mail related felonies.

Oh fuck. You’ve committed so many atrocities against such a hallowed institution, you honestly don’t even think you deserve to become a mailman at this point. Wait, are you actually even qualified to be a mailman? You’ve never even been to mail school or know if that is even a thing. Do you need a degree in postal sciences? Or is it the postal arts? Or is it one of those things where you need at least a masters and six years of experience to even be considered for a position that barely pays above minimum wage, if at all? 

You stop yourself. 

No. That would stupid. You can’t imagine a world where such contempt for the post office or it’s workers would be tolerated. 

Tyzias makes no mention of the various postal crimes that you just confessed to and instead takes advantage of the break in your rambling to intervene. 

“look,” she sets her drink down. “you just need to get things from point a to point b while carrying sommmmething. since you’re capable of instantly teleporting anywwwwhere wwwwith basically anything you can fit on your person, the distance betwwwween those points seemmmms to be a nonissue, wwwwhich is invaluable. so, i’d say you definitely have the credentials for it since i knowwww literally no one else wwwwho can do that.”

Yeah. Yeah! Okay. You’re feeling confident about this despite your lack of formal qualifications. Being the only applicant is probably also a major plus you add with a half-smile.

“so is the fact that i already know i can trust you.”

Your eyes widen at the way she says that. Not in a way meant to flatter you, she said it in the same tone she had been using throughout most of the night, simply stating yet another fact, like she didn’t just stun you with the weight of her words. 

The system is fucked, she is going to do something about it, and you can be trusted to help her. 

“you also commmme wwwwith the added benefit of not having to smmmmuggle things through custommmms or deal wwwwith security the wwwway wwwwe normmmmally wwwwould have to wwwwhen boarding ships or docking on planets.”

Definitely a convenient feature for subversive postal dealings, you agree. 

“wwwwhat is less convenient,” she starts, “is that you aren’t a troll. so wwwwhile it’s going to be hard for a recipient to mmmmiss you, that also applies to literally everyone else, mmmmaking you cull on sight if caught. She gives you a deliberate look, “don’t get caught.” 

Sure. But it isn’t a big deal if you get caught. It isn’t great, but you’ll just probably just get culled or fade out of existence or something before looping back in the timeline. 

When you started that sentence, she looked perplexed, trying to register on what world that would even be considered in the remote proximity of okay, before you continued and her expression shifted to that of normal fucking person feeling the correct amount of concern when presented with that kind of response nonchalantly.

It sounded more reassuring in your head.

Upon further reflection though, saying it out loud like that sounded maybe not great. Or just not a great thought to have in general you are now coming to realize? You would definitely feel a way if someone said that to you. When did you get so desensitized around your own mortality? Maybe because you got hit by all of them at the same time that it just kind of became an instant, “been there, done that” kind of deal immediately towards it all? That the whole “all other memories” thing happened and you just jumped into trying to do something about it and then just kinda… yeah. 

You know what. You’re not going to get into this now. You have other, more important priorities. 

Mail. 

See! That’s the mentality you need to build as a mailman. Mail first. Everything else second. Reflection on your feelings towards your questionably existent mortality and the associated baggage that comes with it is in that second category. It’s in the jingle probably. You're pretty sure they have a jingle or a rap or something and if not, you’ll just make one.

But, she looks wary. And fair. You did just say “that” and then zone out in contemplation. So, you do your best to slap on what you think is one of your more convincing relaxed looks, like your many experiences have left you at ease at all times with your acceptance towards it and you’ve even come to see some greater meaning imparted from all of this which has left you enlightened. Not someone mentally haggard, burdened with the weighty knowledge of, “things keep happening, they don’t stop happening, and goddamn do the things that happen happen.” You are not the type to mentally check out of a conversation when "canon" is mentioned or someone ready to throw a chair at the sound of the word “narrative.” 

No sir, you are chill as fuck. 

Sagely, you try to amend that you would just start over with the knowledge of what not to do so it’s easier next time. You might even get a more holistic view of a situation or individual which will give you a deeper understanding of things as a whole which could also be invaluable in it’s own way. 

The look she gives you is not one that you could easily discern. Well, you thought that sounded insightful. But maybe you had that previous statement and basically everything else about you as a person working against that being a plausible response. That and while true, bullshit. You’re tired. 

Look, while you wouldn’t lie and say they’re enjoyable experiences or anything, you’re pretty used to your various demises. It has happened before, and it will happen again. It is fine. This is probably going to be dangerous and risky so having a way of getting out of the worst case scenario is hopefully helpful. And hey, sometimes you learn things, so silver linings, you guess.

“sure,” she agrees, still somewhat uneasy, “I don’t wwwwant you to die if you don’t have to.” 

That makes the two of you. 

She sighs, deciding to not push it further. “okay. so earlier you were mentioning timelines like they should mean something to me, about how we drifted off one into another because you did,” she pauses and gestures, “things?”

Yes. You have been known to do a thing or two. Sometimes even well. 

She smiles.

It is kind of a mess. Does she really want to know?

“i’ve already knowwwwn things have been fucked. i mmmmight as wwwwell get to knowwww the full picture for scale.” 

Actually, now that she says that, you feel like drawing this out would make it easier to explain. And who better to explain than you? You've been around the metaphorical block a few times and know how this goes and how it would have. 

She nods, getting off her chair and you scoot jumping off of yours, and leads you down to her office and starts making space on her white board for you. As she does so, you take the chance to get a better look around. Bookshelves full of weighty tomes line the walls and her diploma hangs over her desk. There doesn’t seem to be too much personalization with most decor being fake plants and a few busts of what you assume were famous legislacerators wherever books weren’t. Nothing really stood out to you, until you looked closer and noticed the straight, conical horns on one of them. You had a feeling the rest of the busts depicted similar figures but couldn’t recognize any of the rest of them out. 

You hear her chair creak when she takes a seat and gestures at her now clear whiteboard. You stand in front of it, before looking back at her, where she signals for her good bitch to go off. So you do.

Alright. So. Timeline time. 

A magnetic cup of markers hangs off to the side. You grab a green marker, ready to break this down for her, and draw a horizontal green line cutting the board in half. This is what was the “intended” timeline, you explain. You simplified it as a single green line, but it’s way more complicated than you have the energy to explain and also mostly irrelevant towards what’s going on here. You have your own mess to focus on so you won’t get into it other than saying it exists and acts as the base you deviated off of. You look back at her and she nods in understanding. Then, you draw three little tick marks toward the right end of the line, with some space in between them, where game sessions would be, shit happens, and worlds would be created. 

Good start. You’re feeling confident about this as she stares intently at the board. You might as well have a syllabus no one reads, because getting real fucking pedagogical up in this bitch is what you’re doing. 

The first tick, you explain, tapping it like a goddamn expert, would be when the first game would have happened and vast glub would have been triggered. So the complete and total annihilation of her species was supposed to happen a few wipes ago. Weird. You never actually thought about that before. But you did kinda get in the way of that with the game being called off and Gl’bgolyb chilling a bit more, you think so at least. 

To be honest, she’s kinda hard for you to read since you don’t know where it would be considered polite to look at in her endless physical expanse. You’re still working up the nerve to ask Feferi but don’t want to make her feel weird about her eldritch mom or anything, especially since she’s been really nice to you actually? You’ve basically only had positive experiences with horrorterrors so far. Honestly, you are starting to think the whole “truly unknowable” thing has unfairly been putting people off of them. Like what does it even mean to be known at this point? 

Oh sorry, you’re getting off track. 

Tyzias's jaw hangs slightly open as she tries to process your casual mention of the apocalypse, showing only moderate alarm, but otherwise total acceptance. A very measured response to hearing the only thing standing in between everything and everyone she ever knew being destroyed was the person known primarily for their gregariousness, religiously for their legs, and legally for one of the most bizarre arrest warrants on Alternia. 

But it didn’t! Crisis averted! No need to thank you. Or mention it. Or spread that this was a thing that would have happened without intervention. You nervously chuckle. 

Anyways!

You then quickly grab a red marker and quickly uncap it only to fumble and drop the cap. It clatters obnoxiously as it bounces away from you before it starts rolling under a cabinet. You exhale deeply. You'll get it later and get back to the board. You start drawing another line, your timeline, you clarify, parallel under the green timeline, while they should overlap completely up until a certain point. You aren’t actually sure if that’s the case anymore, to be completely honest, since the "canon timeline" itself kinda loops back on itself a few times and creates paradoxes like they’re going out of style.

So parallel-ish seems like a good compromise to you. The integrity of this shit is full of compromises anyways. You grab the green marker again and draw a few loops on the green line to show that and then repeat the process with the red marker, making these loops made out of dashed lines instead and putting question marks in the center of each of them, since they probably, more than likely, happened. But again, who really even fucking knows at this point.

She is squinting at the question marks you just drew. Oh shit, yeah you forgot. You erase the question marks and replace them with what you’ve been mentally referring to as question shrugs. This is mildly effective as she seems to be heavily considering something. Maybe if you keep going it will make sense for her? You continue your red line up to the green line’s first tick mark, the original game session, and extend it slightly past it. Turning back around, you open your mouth to explain how you are now existing in a post tick mark timeline. As soon as you say that though, you stop. And turn back around. 

And carefully consider the whiteboard, staring it down, like if you just look at it hard enough, something is bound to make sense and you can force some fucking coherence out of this garbage. 

This does absolutely nothing. 

You look back at Tyzias and she is still making the same face. The two of you seemed to have independently reached the same conclusion.

Okay then.

You clear your throat to buy some time, because whatever semblance of being erudite was fraud and both of you knew it. So. Basically. To summarize what you know, is that uh, now that you think about it and are writing this shit down, you genuinely have no idea what the fuck is holding this timeline together other than sheer fucking willpower, because its basically a Russian nesting doll of paradoxes haphazardly piled on top of one another. 

By all means, none of this should be happening. You tap the timeline with your marker. Not in one of your angsty “I could have done something to prevent this” way that you sometimes get when you stumble into the wrong part of your psyche when you’re trying to sleep, but like a genuine, this should not be possible way. You press a hand to your temple and start pacing in front of the board as your speech quickens as you rant. 

Because, from what you get, your original friends on Alternia are probably (?) from the same timeline as your current friends from Alternia, who didn’t play the game. Which leads to the creation of your home planet. So Earth shouldn’t exist. But it does. You put a hand on your hip and lean against the whiteboard and take a deep fucking breath.

Very cool. 

And if you’re a human sent to Alternia before the game started, then, you whip back to her, oh shit, are you a time traveler? Like you are a time traveler, but fuck, you’ve been a time traveler. Are you a paradox? Are you from a future that is contingent on you altering the past to create the very future you come from? Is there a point where you can fuck up enough to erase yourself from existance?

Whatever. Not even worth it. You’re not even going to attempt to humor answering these questions since you have enough existential crisis fuel to go through already without adding this to the stack. 

Tyzias, while clearly listening very intently, is politely not acknowledging your personal asides, that are now realizing you’re saying out loud.

So realistically, the moment the first game session fell apart, Earth should have disappeared. But it didn’t. You write “paradox horny universe” on the board, underline it, and circle it. And then those four didn’t play the game which means no scratch which means Jane and Jake’s timeline shouldn’t exist since it stems off of another one, that again, should not exist. And then Jane mentioned that Roxy was always joking around about how she was from a future timeline hiding from an aquatic alien dictator who took over Earth, and you know that was the Condesce since you meeting her in that bad end is burned into your memory. You leave a space in the red line where the first tick mark is and and continue it to the end of the board. You draw a second, smaller parallel red line under the first, the other universe, before staring again at the break. You think (?) this is the alternate timeline or universe that is simultaneously around the same-ish temporal space. 

You think. Your hand is back on your hip. 

“wwwwait. hold on. you mmmmet the fucking emmmmpress?” 

You didn’t really meet her so much as she used some tool to mind control you into becoming her servant so she could use you to conquer space and time or something extra like that. But Aradia scrubbed that timeline real fucking clean and now it only exists in your memory and very occasionally in your nightmares. Plus, it isn’t a problem anymore. When Jane wasn’t looking, you grabbed her tiara thing and tossed it into a volcano, which come to think of it, is kinda becoming the solution to a lot of your problems now. That can’t be good for the environment, can it? But you can worry whether or not there is a real ecological impact to you tossing shit into volcanos later. Right now you need to focus. Not that you think any amount is going to help when you try to make sense of you trying to make sense of the timeline.

You acknowledge that you might have bitten off more than you can chew when you feast your eyes upon the monstrosity of your own design. You sigh, turning back to Tyzias, trying to get this shit show back on the road.

So what was created was a paradoxical break in the timeline, which was caused by you, a product of the pre-paradox, potentially still paradoxical timeline, or an adjacent timeline altogether maybe, you quickly mutter, sent back in the past to fuck around in a way which would cause the “intended” timeline. And you deviated this one, a new branch or subtimeline (?), you make air quotes with your hands, through the sheer amount of “fuck this shit I’m out” contained in your very person mediated by some canon breaking bullshit looking thing, causing a shciszm, resulting in a break that still somehow had an entire separate parallel alternate universe branch, a product of a different event that never happened. Each which then has its own branches coming off of it before looping back in, in ways that didn’t make any fucking sense and looped in and around each other, back into the original, and despite its many paradoxes, the biggest one seems to be that it exists stabley in the first place. 

So like, a regular paradox you guess. Fuck it. You don’t know anymore. How did writing it down make it worse? This was supposed to make shit clearer but you just gave yourself a headache and a slowly building sense of dread. 

To put it simply, because god, maybe putting it simply will help you, especially since looking at this technically is making you understand less. You were most likely grabbed from a different timeline or alternate universe, got a factory reset, fucked around and made a few friends, got kidnapped, escaped bougie green moon jail, got wiped again, fucked around and made some new friends part two Earth edition, or an Earth that may or may not be your original earth, really, who’s to say? Not you. Anyways, it is an Earth, of sorts. And now have one normal Alternia temporally connected to one of two equally real Earths with wildly different circumstances. 

And this cursed rune, you slap the board, that you drew, may not totally accurately capture the actual mechanics of what is going on so much as it captured the feeling. Goddamn it. You made it like this and you wouldn’t say it is the best timeline but maybe one of the least worse. That is all you can really ask for at this point. 

You stare at your white board again and groan. You turn around to face Tyzias. 

This explanation clearly explained nothing and only served to take a few sweeps off of her lifespan. While she is leagues more exhausted than you are, even before this, you're definitely beating her at existential dread bingo, free space not included. Maybe you weren’t the best person to explain this. Boldir could probably look into this without having a conniption. You also knew a clown who could probably help break down temporal mechanics. 

Maybe this is the exact kind of situation that requires the assistance of a clown.

That last statement shocks her out of her silence. “That mmmmight just be the first timmmme anyone has ever said that and mmmmeant it.”

Or you could just need another marker. Is there any coffee left? You call out as you retrieve the cap. 

“i doubt that and no. you knowwww wwwwhat, just.” She huffs and looks out at you, exhausted, before decisively stating the most valid thing you've heard in a long time, “fuck timmmme.”

Yeah. Fuck time. 100% agreed. This is bullshit. You have a headache and are tired despite having drank like half a carafe of coffee. 

She pats the space beside her and you plop down, your legs by hers. A couple of world weary bitches is what you guys are.

“yeah." She shakes her head before repeating, "yeah."

Honestly, this is why you avoid thinking about this. Timelines are a bitch to go through and apparently a bitch and half to understand. Canon means less and less to you every passing day. You're finding it hard to give a fuck about what some dipshit decided should have happened when you know what it would have cost. A lot of people deserved better than what they got and honestly some things don't seem to have much of a justification other than because it has to be like this. This might be controversial take, but you don't think psychic genocide and the destruction of an entire universe were all that great. 

Okay that wasn’t so hot. Maybe a take of ambient temperature. Oh fuck, doesn’t she have to go to work after this? How does one go to work after this?

"don’t wwwworry about it. I do need to start getting shit ready for wwwwork though.” She dramatically heaves herself off of the couch and grabs a bag by her desk and starts moving papers into it.

“are you going back to mmmmallek’s after this?”

Probably. It’s either that or your hive, and you passed him your palm husks before you came here. So you’d need those back anyways.

“shit. the wwwwatchtowwwwer is still standing?”

Yeah. All your stuff was still in it too.

“i’mmmmm just surprised it never collapsed on you.”

What? No. That’s ridiculous. You can’t even begin to imagine the hijinks that would ensue if your hive collapsed on you. Even if it did, you feel like things would turn out okay.

“or you’d die” she offers, before she walks past you to grab a few books on a shelf.

That’s never stopped you.

She snickers. “so wwwwhat have you even been doing for the last twwwwo wwwwipes? just catching up with mmmmallek?”

Ha. No. You’ve spent more time with his crew than with him since most of that time was just you trying to prove you were you. 

“seriously?” she looks over her shoulder.

Yeah, it was just kind of a mess. Though, he recently came around and you think you’re cool now.

“cool? wwwwhat does that even mmmmean?”

Honestly? You gesture at the board. You have a better idea of what’s going on there than in your red quad.

Tyzias made a rumbling sound in the back of her throat that you’d come to learn was the troll equivalent of “oof” and gives your shoulder the firm double pat of sympathy. What a pal.

Thanks, you smile before remembering something. Speaking of work, she wouldn’t happen to work with Tagora or Tegiri would she?

“fuck no,” she quickly replies. Your face falls a bit and she glances at you before sighing, “but, I can contact them for you,” she says resignedly. “I just need to look up their offices. They’re teal, so it should be pretty quick even if wwwwe did end up in different branches of lawwww.” 

Really?

“yeah. I wwwwas pretty happy wwwwith not talking to anyone I wwwwent to schoolhive wwwwith and kept up streak.” She gives you a tired look, “until now.”

Really? Maybe a benefit of amnesia was never making awkward eye contact with someone you went to highschool with at a grocery store and having to figure out if you were going to greet each other or just keep moving. Most likely in your case, you waving, and them pretending they didn’t see you and quickly making their way down the next aisle, leaving you to overthink that interaction for the rest of the day. If you could remember highschool classmates you’d probably feel the same, if only to avoid being on the receiving end of that. So you let her know exactly how much you appreciate it. 

She gives an affirmative hum as she zips her bag. You ask if Tirona ever passed her exams. She stiffens immediately, turning towards you. “Yes. She did.” 

She lowers herself to your level putting either hand on your shoulders, speaking low and even. “don’t look for Tirona. she has licked the trident and wwwwill do anything to be on the wwwwinning teammmm.” 

Oh. You weren’t expecting this kind of intensity from her. You lean back further into the couch. She seemed to really like you then. You’ve crossed a lot of cultural bridges. Maybe if you two talk things through, she’ll be cool seeing you again.

“The mmmmoment trizza wwwwwas culled, she becammmmme a diehard condesce enthusiast. i knew she wwwwwould, but howwwww fast she flipped wwwwwas,” she considers her words, “really fucking unsettling considering she wwwwwas practically trizza’s number one fangirl. her enthusiasmmmm is purely a strategic decision for her owwwwwn self-preservation. I knowwww howwww you feel about your friends, but the rewwwward she’d get from prosecuting an alien caught on immmmperial property wwwwould wwwwildly outwwwweigh any positive feelings she mmmmight have had for you.” 

You frown, not wanting to believe it. How can she be sure?

“after I wwwwon a fewwww cases for the emmmmpire, i ran into her. she’s only gotten mmmmore fanatical as she’s gotten older. wwwwhen i asked her if she’d heard anything about you, she froze and joked around about mmmme being wwwway too invested in old mmmmemes then changed subjects immmmmmmmediately. for half an hour she alternated betwwwween gushing about the emmmmpress’s most recent conquest and trying to suck up to mmmme. fortunately, she’s still afraid of mmmme, mmmmaybe mmmmore so nowwww since she sees me as a bigger player on the same teammmm and doesn’t wwwwant to risk anything by pissing me off, so i got her to leave." Her look deadens as she recalls. "eventually." 

You didn’t want to admit it, but that kinda tracks.

“tirona wwwwill flip to wwwwhatever side she feels is mmmmost beneficial for her. before, it wwwwas trizza. nowwww it's the emmmmpress. and if your heiress friend somehowwww doesn’t get culled, she wwwwill flip just as fast to her side. until then,” she stares at you piercingly, “stay the fuck awwwway from her.” 

You pause, looking away. You don’t feel good about this. You want to believe that she wouldn’t sell you out, that befriending you maybe opened her mind a bit about aliens, especially since she was so young. Maybe even settle for her having a soft spot for you? But Tyzias’s tone isn’t something you’ve heard from her before. She is really trying to drill into you how bad of an idea she thinks it is and she is definitely no stranger to risk with all her other activities. Now is probably not a time where you assume to know better about people.

With a heavy heart, you agree. You’ll avoid her if you see her. She continues to study you, softening once she feels that you mean it. 

“i’ll get in touch wwwwith the others for you. i’’ll have mmmmallek set sommmmething up if they’re interested and wwwwhen i wwwwork out a fewwww deliveries for you.”

Thanks. Damn between a new job and old friends you’re beyond excited. You think about the two of them, wondering what they were like now. God you’re about to get bitch slapped with so many late fees, you say with a surprising amount of fondness.

She shakes her head. “yeah i don't knowwww wwwwhy you’d wwwwant to do that to yourself. i’mmmm going to head into wwwwork and enjoy the last night of relative quiet in my office before i start getting spammmmmmmmed wwwwith mmmmessages fromm themmmm.” 

Sorry about that.

“i’d say it’s a pretty fair trade for a mmmmailmmmman.”

You smile at the word and wish her well at work. You quickly give her a hug and pull back, and do a goofy little salute at her. Yeah, you don’t think they actually do that, but the chuckle you got from her was worth it. 

As her face begins to relax from her previous grin, you zap.  
________

Be TYZIAS ENTYKK →

You’ve been sitting at your work desk for a while now, head resting in your hand, looking down at your palmhusk, annoyance gradually building in your gut. Unsurprisingly, you’re already feeling preemptive regret for what you were about to do, what you were trying to convince yourself to do at least. Normally you had no qualms about doing difficult things and were intimately aware of their potential consequences on your career, your matesprit, your life. This sacrifice though, was so much more personal, making you compromise on your professional and personal boundaries that you had firmly kept up for sweeps. 

You did not want to do this. You would not do this. Nothing good would come of this. But you remembered their face, and how excited they looked when you said you would, in fact, do this. 

Damn it. 

You have to do it. 

Drawing out the inevitable is getting you nowhere and your best bet is doing it now to get it over with. This understanding causes a very unfortunate phrase to enter your pan and you shove it out as soon as you become cognizant of its presence. It doesn’t actually change the truth or applicability of it in this situation though. 

Fuck.

On some level you know you’re whining. Maybe because this consequence, unlike all the others, is much more tangible and familiar to you considering you’ve already dealt with it. And more importantly, really fucking enjoyed not dealing with it. You release a sigh that ends as a growl and begrudgingly, decide to stop being a little bitch and make the damn call. 

Grimacing at your device, slowly, and full of nothing but contempt, you enter a number from the dirwrecktory. While it rings, you start to make your peace with no longer having any. An automated voice played, snapping you out of it, and you could almost feel the grease of lotion residue on your frond.

_“You have reached the law office of the legislacerator Tagora Gorgek. Establishing this connection serves as consent and a legally-binding agreement for the caller’s number to be traced to pay for all present and future charges incurred. If you know your party's extension number, enter it now. If you are a current client, press 1. If you are a new client or seeking legal counsel, press 2. For billing and payment, press 3. For hours and location, press 4. To leave a message, press 5. If you are olive and below, hang up. Press star to repeat the menu options.”_

You press 5.

_“At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or dial pound to increase the priority of this message. Messages are prioritized on a caste-based system and increasing the prioritization may be subject to additional charges. Press star for more details.”_

You briefly debated pressing pound, but had a feeling that letting him know it was urgent would only increase the amount of time it would take for him to respond to you and the satisfaction he would take in doing so. But, you were more focused on how insufferable he’d be to deal with when he would finally listen to it and you’d have to play the inevitable game of phone tag that would occur due to your busy schedules. The only thing worse than dealing with a smug Tagora was an indignant one leaving thinly veiled, passive aggressive threats in your voicemail.

The tone beeps. 

“i do not consent or agree to any charges incurred. i’mmmm not paying you shit sore-gore. you can die mmmmad about it. i’mmmm calling you as a courtesy for a third party, not because i need your help or professional advice, so you can wwwwipe that smmmmarmmmmy ass little grin off your face.” 

Sighing, you continue. “i ran into our old friend. they’re sommmmehowwww commmmpletely fine. aside frommmm wwwwhatever pan injuries they mmmmust have sustained during their absence, since wwwwhen wwwwe talked, they genuinely wwwwanted to knowwww howwww you wwwwere doing or if i’d seen you. so, wwwwhile i personally wwwwouldn’t wwwwant to subject mmmmyself to your commmmpany, they unfortunately do. let mmmme knowwww if you wwwwant to set sommmmething up wwwwith them or not and i’ll pass it along.” 

You hung up, expecting him to see a call from you and get all self-satisfied, probably hoping to hear you ask for assistance or _expertise_ and take his sweet fucking time to respond, due to how very busy his schedule was with his very many wealthy clients, he would have informed you, he was sure you could understand. You could, mainly due to how you wanted to specialize in doing actual fucking work doing imperial cases instead of catering to overly liitgious highbloods with wounded egos. 

You almost wish you could be around to see his face when he finally heard that they were alive. And that you had seen them before him. It is almost enough to bring a smile to your face. Though not enough to actually make potentially having to deal with him again semi-regularly worth it. 

Looking off, you consider whether or not he’ll actually take you up on it. 

Realistically, Tagora was, and more than likely still is, a self-serving, slimy asshole, so you wouldn’t be too surprised if he either never responded or just gave you a flat no. That being said, even if he would rather get culled than admit it, he had a major soft spot for his associate, likely because they were the first person to more than tolerate him. He even saw them outside of work with overpriced coffee and self-care nights, you assume gossiping the whole time. Frankly, you still have no idea what they saw in him, but he clearly thought very highly of them. 

Hearing him of all people, brag about someone else’s intelligence and cunning was not something you ever thought you’d see. Even if it was just him indirectly jerking off about his own prowess and skill to get them working under him the way he did, it was still more than you’d ever heard him say about anyone in the sweeps that you’d known him. Sometimes, during study sessions, he would even get on you and Tegeri not to corrupt his partner. You guess that between your anti-establishment agenda and Tegiri’s anime club, Tagora had a few things he didn’t want rubbing off on them. 

With all this in mind, you were currently leaning more towards him trying to set up a meeting, after you convinced him that you had too much work and self-respect to call him up for any other reason.

Your device buzzes on your desk and you grab it, seeing a notification that you have a new text. Shit. It is actually from him. You were genuinely surprised that he responded this quickly.

And then you read it and were not surprised at all actually.

It was an automated message for the charges incurred. 

Dialing Fee +5  
Connection Fee +10  
Menu Reading Fee +5  
Message Leaving Fee +25  
Message Processing Fee +3

*________

_Payments can be made on our online portal or over the phone. Either form of connection serves as consent and a legally-binding agreement to additional surcharges that may be incurred._

You very narrowly decide against blocking his number in what might be considered to be the ultimate testament to your self-control.

He would later argue that if you really wanted a prompt answer from him, that you would have known to make Stelsa call him instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tagora and Tyzias only ever learned what they know about anime unwillingly.
> 
> Also, I know I probably got something wrong about the timeline, but at this point, I'm tired. I do not understand. I barely understood it when Homestuck was regularly updating and understand it even less now with Friendsim and Pesterquest. Any frustration you hear is mine lol.
> 
> Also glad to be getting back to Mallek and co.


	24. And They Were Co-Conspirators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rooms are hacked. Museums are visited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It has been a bit, and I have no update schedule given how hectic my life has been, but I am very glad to be back.
> 
> Some very talented artists made really neat art that I am very excited to to share!
> 
> @kurohaai just went really hard on this fic and I am in awe  
> https://kurohaai.tumblr.com/post/626987218327699456/heuristicallyinclined-kurohaai-snippets-of  
> https://kurohaai.tumblr.com/post/624138536822669312/rebels-you-mean-alien-protection-squad-or  
> https://kurohaai.tumblr.com/post/623431060624228352/heuristicallyinclined-kurohaai-kurohaai  
> https://kurohaai.tumblr.com/post/622714797419560960/wwwwhat-the-fuck-kind-of-ship-are-you-running
> 
> @theartisticapparition and I playing around with our fantrolls and having a great time  
> https://theartisticapparition.tumblr.com/post/627902601269264386/more-ievahn-mordax-shit-plus-moirail-w
> 
> They are both supremely talented and you should check their other pieces out too!

You lightly thump into the sweet, sultry embrace of an approximate metric fuckton of bubble wrap and fumble for a moment as you reorient yourself and start feeling around blindly for the doorknob. 

It is complete bullshit that the constant night on Alternia and generally dimmer default lighting settings didn’t actually make your night vision any better. Frankly it just made your day vision worse. You felt like you were perpetually squinting in the low lighting of Alternia for an entire fucking year and landing back on Earth didn’t alleviate any of that. Nope. It just meant that you were also now squinting during the day too, since apparently your eyes tried their absolute hardest and became as sensitive as they could to light to try to compensate. You were hitting that sour spot right in between where you were just used to Alternia enough to fuck you up on Earth, but still couldn’t see shit in actually darkness.

A quick realization has you stop fumbling around in the dark for a moment. 

Oh yeah. You keep forgetting it is always above wherever you think it is because trolls collectively decided that doing lines of miracle grow was a fun hobby to take up in space. You resume, a bit higher this time, until you finally find it, and slowly open the door. 

You peek your head through and look around. There is no one in your immediate vicinity and the only thing greeting you is the familiar, strangely organic background noise of the ship, people walking, voices whispering, and equipment chittering and occasionally even screeching. 

You again try not to think about that last one too hard. 

You head down the hallway and glance through the windows, taking in the view. The stars give you no indication of the passing of time. Not that you can actually tell them apart from each other or identify any constellations. Your interest in astronomy never really went anywhere beyond the near universal experience of looking at the moon and going, “nice.” 

Your interest in astrology is nonexistent since you don’t actually remember when your birthday is. Not that it would matter much, since it is kinda hard to identify with any sign when you can picture a person behind it. Though not to the point of having created permanent color associations with different astrological symbols or anything. That would be weird. 

Anyways, the stars aren’t telling you shit. What time even is it? Are there different time zones in space? You feel like that’s a very fair question that will likely never actually get resolved, so there isn’t really too much of a point in worrying about it. Who would you even be if you let lingering questions stop you? 

And it’s with that lingering question that you reach Mallek’s office. 

You feel a little silly for this morning now, with things seeming a little over dramatic with Mallek before you left. You honestly don’t know what you thought was going to happen when you saw Tyzias again. You figured you’d get looped into one of her “side projects,” but she just found out about you. There was no way she was just going to immediately send you into some rebellion activities that she happened to be waiting for just the right person with a weirdly specific and likely nonexistent skillset to stumble into. 

Unlike you, she has solidified the habit of trying to think things through. 

You would have totally agreed to anything though, so this could just be your own projection by assuming some non-sequitur nonsense and seemingly illogical wacky escalation was going to occur at some point and maybe, just maybe, you just wanted to have your bases covered for once in your life. Experiment with some of your own forethought for a change. 

You reach his office and actually, this is the only place you’ve ever seen him. You know he has his own quarters. Does he actually ever use his room to sleep? Or sleep in general? You get the feeling that adults need less sleep but whatever he's doing probably isn't the norm. Tyzias probably isn’t much better.

You stand at the intercom, glancing up at the camera with a smile when you catch it focusing on you. There is a light crackle as it comes to life and you hear a single word spoken with complete seriousness.

“password;” he questions.

You bite the inside of your cheek trying to settle into the look of someone in serious consideration while you look off down the hallway. 

One way. 

Then the other. 

And zap to the other side of the door.

He turns back to face you, face in an easy grin. “i would have let you in eventually;”

“I couldn’t risk it. So I hacked it,” you add, shrugging as you approach.

“you hacked it;” he repeats wryly.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to get locked out by using the wrong password.” 

He snickers, “you were already locked out;” 

Fair point. Not that you’ll address it. But it does raise a question.

“Do I actually need a password for anything on the ship? I’ve seen other people use them to get around.”

“no; you should be good;” he replies. 

You lean against the side of his desk, hazarding, “Because I shouldn’t be there in the first place?”

“because you can just hack in;” he teases, grinning at his own joke. You can’t help but smile even as you look off in mock annoyance. 

“How’s your project going?” you ask glancing at the screens behind him. 

You recognize a console program open and a few basic commands, but that is approaching the extent of your programming knowledge. You never learned specifics since you figured being an “information specialist” just wasn’t for you, you got into enough shit without it. But you did learn enough that you could generally follow along with what he was up to and understand how things were going for him.

“finally finished it; i = just trying to get ahead on some other shit now;” 

Other shit could be any number of things that you can’t discern just by looking at his monitors. You look back at him and a moment passes. 

"how = tyzias;" 

"She's good.” You stop for a moment, furrowing your brows as you consider her. “Actually, she is really good."

In your personal experience, you’ve found that no one truly has their shit together, they just get good at looking like they do. But goddamn if Tyzias doesn’t come close. She is moving up the ranks in a career she is genuinely passionate about, she has clear goals she is working towards and plans on how to reach them, somehow still finds time for organizing people in the rebellion while maintaining a committed relationship. 

You don't use this phrase lightly, but Tyzias might just be a "Girl Boss." 

Actually no. Gross. You don’t like that at all. You took it back as soon as you thought it. Tyzias is just a boss. She is what those corporate shills aspire to be. She is incapable of being summarized by a few meager words in a curly font on a thermos shaped like a coffee cup. 

"Stelsa is good too." 

"she was there;"

“Yeah. I caught her while she was going through her evening routine so that was nice. Well, it was nice eventually, after she got over the whole _me being alive and in her hive_ thing which definitely threw her off. But she made me some coffee before she left, so that was sweet of her. The whole thing was really chill actually. I don't know what I was expecting."

Well. You only had one experience seeing an old friend before this and that didn't exactly go great. And you can see that tidbit reflected on his face for a moment as he glances down for a moment. 

Oh. You didn’t mean it like that. You quickly swerve off of that conversation topic. 

“I also got an offer from Tyzias,” you start. “So that happened fast.”

“she = pretty efficient like that;” he replies, unsurprised but sounding too neutral to be pleased. “i = guessing you joined the rebellion;”

“Yep. I’m a mailman now.” 

He gives you a perplexed stare. You feel like it is pretty self-explanatory, but you keep forgetting without some level of threatening mad libs, your job title is basically indecipherable for trolls. You try to recall what Tyzias called it.

“A messassassinger. Or delivorator. For things sensitive enough to want to keep analog or things that need to be moved around immediately.”

“that =;” he stops for a moment, “actually not a bad idea;” The concentration between his brows as he stops to consider it seems to imply that this could actually even be a very good idea. He glances at you, “so; when do you start;”

“I don’t know." You push some cans to the side and take a seat on the side of his desk. "I kinda get the feeling this isn’t exactly a standard nine to five with benefits and health insurance.”

‘Yeah probably not;” He looks at you strangely. “what = health insurance;”

You blink. They don’t even have health insurance. You can’t exactly recall having health insurance at any point or on any planet and you don’t know if that is entirely due to memory loss. So glass houses you guess. 

“Was joining like this with you?”

“no;” he quickly responds. “tyzias actually likes you; i was just doing some work on a ship she was on and she recognized me and said she wanted to catch up;”

“I didn’t know you two were friends.”

“We weren’t;”

“Oh?” 

That’s weird. It’s kind of hard for you to picture what they’d even be talking about. They don’t really think they had much in common other tha-

“Oh,” you repeat, understanding. 

"it uh;" he stammers as he realizes he admitted more than he meant to but keeps speaking. "it was more or less an ambush; it doesn't matter how tired she looks; legislacerators know how to talk;" 

You seriously nod. “Really it's how she gets you.”

He gives you a lopsided smile. You return it before continuing. 

“Between being who I am, being her friend, and agreeing with her, you know why I joined. I also have a lot of newly acquired spite that I’m trying to do something productive with," you add.

"sure;”

"But I don't exactly remember you as the philanthropic type. Like you took care of yours, but not really in a risk shit for the abstract greater good kinda guy. So how’d she get you involved?"

"i missed hacking;” he replies after a pause. 

You eye him, staying quiet. There was no way it was just that. 

He exhales, “i was bored out of my mind doing glorified it work for ancient highbloods; it = mostly just pannumbing bullshit for people who can barely can turn on a webcam and i just needed something to do that didnt make me want to throw myself out of airlock;" 

“Your natural inclination towards fucking with things didn't have anything to do with it?" 

"it didn't not have anything to with it;” he grins. ”plus; tyzias actually has shit that = challenging and not just tedious;”

“Damn if I don’t need something to do.” You look off, eyes following the path of wires littering the floor. “I care about them and all, but I _really_ need a hobby outside of hanging out with kids,” you emphasize. 

You have no idea how long you can realistically be expected to stay sane when the only thing you really have going for you is a social life built on a foundation of talking to mainly thirteen year olds, walking around, and nothing else. Hopefully this new side gig of yours will be just what you need to help get you out of that rut.

“It also gives Tyzias a reason let me hang around.”

“tyzias would still want you around; she didnt just want to see you again so she could drag you into this;”

“I know, I just, I want to do something. I can’t not do anything after all the whole,” you exhale, “everything.”

Moments in your hive come to mind. Moments where you sat at a place you’d never been to, uncomfortable for reasons you didn’t understand. It felt homey. It felt too homey for the amount of discomfort you were feeling being there and the fact that you couldn’t point to what exactly about it was bothering you without feeling some sort of pressure building at the back of your skull was only adding to the dread you felt being there. Between outings, between ferrying others to their friends, you’d come back and just try to figure out why you were getting so worked up and get increasingly frustrated at the feeling of having forgotten something really important catching up to you no matter where you went. Your own restlessness at waiting for something, anything, bad to happen there just trying to justify the repulsion you felt sitting alone in a pile there. You were too busy looking for something to notice the glaring lack thereof. 

"I just don't want to feel stuck anymore," you admit, averting your eyes.

“you != stuck anymore;” He puts his hand over yours and squeezes. You look at him again and he more quietly adds. ”if you ever want to go; you can;”

“I know.” You return the gesture. “If I'm here it's because I want to be.”

You hold his gaze and he nods.

“Also because you have my palm husks.”

"what;" 

"You have my shit Mallek.”

He blinks and reaches to open a drawer and hands them to you. This isn’t where he originally left them and them moving around his desk makes you suspicious. You pocket the Razr and inspect your palm husk. 

It is still in one piece.

Your intense scrutiny gets a chuckle out of him. “i just wanted to see what kinds of upgrades your friend did; it = hilarious that this can even run the software on it with how old it is without overheating;”

“I mean, it does. Sometimes.”

His brows raise.

“But I try to see this as more of a new feature. It’s now also a hand warmer depending on how many apps I have open,” you say this as you hold the palm husk, gesturing to it and outwards with your other hand like you were advertising the latest in technology instead of a barely functioning device being forced onto life support. Your marketing ploys do nothing to lessen how much he is judging you.

“just get a new palm husk;” 

“Mallek why do you fear innovation?”

He shakes his head at you. 

“Anyways. It’s been a few days and I need to head back planetside.”

“checking in on your not wards;” he questions.

“Yeah.” You hop off his desk, “I have no bars here on either of these so I figure the only way to check in with people is to physically be on the same planet as them.”

“palm husks are either planet or space locked based on the frequency they use;”

“Huh. Any chance this could be upgraded to use both?”

“the upgrade would come with a tinderbox feature;” he teases.

Worth a shot you guess.

“same as last time;”

You nod. “Hopefully Tyzias will get something worked out soon so I can get officially looped into her side projects.” You straighten your clothes and have a thought. 

“If you think about it,” you look up at him with a half-smile, “we’re kinda coworkers now.”

“tyzias != our boss; we work together;”

“Like coworkers?”

“no;” 

“Ah. Co-conspirators.” 

A hiss tinges his laugh. “i mean if that = what you want to call it; sure;”

“That is absolutely what I am going to call it. You want me to grab anything while I’m out? Other than a new palm husk,” you say before he can ask.

“no; that was it;”

You chuckle. Yeah, you saw that one coming. What you don’t see coming is how to end this. He seems to be there too. Well, here goes nothing.

Tenderly, with all the love in your heart, you pound his fist. More accurately, you pound the part of his knuckles that you would normally pound had his hand been in a fist instead of resting on an amrest. 

You pull your hand back and look at his bemused expression. Not your most pro gamer move.

Never in your life have you been more grateful for your ability to instantly teleport.

__________

You got your friends caught up on your life and just tried to casually slip in that you had been on the imperial fleet. That may be a stretch of the word “casually” since the responses were anything but casual. You were asked if you had a cull wish or if you were aware that there were in fact less painful ways of getting culled if you did. But it was mostly letting them know that you seriously became a mailman so you got to keep some details about why you were there vague.

Somehow, the fact that you actually laid down a boundary eclipsed their previous disbelief at your adventures. 

It helped your postal announcement go more smoothly too. You were met with shock, congratulations, confusion, and a singular, “what do you mean now?” which definitely merited an explanation. Luckily, John just kind of seems to accept you not having been a mailman and then being a mailman with the same level of critical thought he applied to your original brazen lie of being a mailman and then immediately allowing a stranger into his home. 

You worry about that kid sometimes. You worry in the least projection-y way possible.

You were looking forward to the many various activities with your friends, activities which you would love to recount in the immense detail they deserve, but you were particularly looking forward to going to a museum again. You can't even remember when the last time you went to one was and you just want to be able to walk around, look at cool shit, feel pretentious, and long for things you can’t afford at the gift shop while a clerk follows you around folding shirts asking if you need help every other minute until you leave.

You know, the typical experience. You think it's a solid way to wind down at least. 

Plus, you’re trying to get into this weird thing where you express a genuine want with someone in hopes that they will also want to do it and you can do an activity together instead of just being thrown to the wuthering winds of unreciprocated appeasement and hoping for the best. 

It is just a little something you’re dabbling in and hey, maybe this kind of open attitude will rub off on others. So you invite Eridan. He actually seemed receptive to it this time. 

And by receptive you mean that you called him and told him this was a thing you were doing and asked if he wanted to meet you there and he immediately started going off on how of course you wanted him to come and how presumptuous it was that you even assumed he even had time for some dumb shit like that in the first place. 

You refused to play that game with him and apologized for rudely assuming and said you’ll see if someone else was free. 

He immediately made some kind of choking sound, doubled back, said not to put words in his mouth, and that he’d be there. 

Hook, line, and sinker. 

Look. You got a fish pun pass from the Heiress herself and you’d be some kind of fucking buffoon not to use it from time to time. Especially in the privacy of your own mind. 

You zap outside the museum and look around. It's a nice cloudless night with trolls strolling about in the moonlight. It’s definitely a nicer part of town and you don’t exactly blend in, the cold glares and occasional unimpressed glances make that a hard fact to overlook, so you make yourself scarce by sitting on a bench out front with your hood up scrolling on your phone while you waited for Eridan. He was taking his sweet ass time. 

It wasn’t a surprise that he was “fashionably late,” but it’s been half an hour and you’re getting pissy. Did he forget or is this some weird power play on his part? You’re about to send him a text asking if he is still coming when your palm husk’s brightness increases as the sky grows dark. 

Great. Nothing like rain to pour salt into the wounds of getting stood up. Then cause additional wounds because of the acid pelting your skin. You assume for more salt to get into. You peek up through your hood, expecting to see storm clouds rolling in and your ass having to roll out. And instead see an airship that somehow dwarfed his previous one blocking the moonlight.

This thing was just ludicrous. Just an exorbitant use of money. Like there is stunting and you get wanting to flaunt what you got, no shame. But this is fucking obscene. You’re struck with the wild duality of trolls somehow having universal basic income that makes a thirteen year old richer than god, while simultaneously having a healthcare system based off of drones culling anyone who coughed too loud in their general proximity.

It hovers about fifty feet above the surrounding buildings, surprisingly quietly for how much wind it’s whipping around. Some trolls stop and stare. Others catch sight of it and immediately head the other direction, deciding against any sort of confrontation with whoever owns it. 

You slip your phone in your pocket, get up, and wave, much to the horror of several onlookers who move to further distance themselves from you. 

After a moment, some kind of ladder drops down, with Eridan hanging off of it. You purse your lips, taking the look in. It wasn’t a bad one, but between his glasses and his scarf whipping around dramatically, you are very viscerally reminded that it is in fact 2009. You can taste the third wave coffee just looking at him. 

Fashionably late it is then. 

He leaps off the ladder lands in front of you, rising from his knee with a practiced poise and runs a hand through his hair, putting it back in place. You can’t help but smile. Not the first prince you’ve seen these kinds of theatrics from, but definitely the only one who was actually royalty. He focuses on you with a slight frown.

"can you believve they dont havve parkin for airships?" 

Yes. You absolutely can.

He starts messing with his palm husk. "i havve to leavve it circling around the neighborhood on autopilot like some kind of absolute savvage. wwhat kind of pedestrian shithole doesnt havve airship parkin?" 

Most places actually. Man. Imagine that being your biggest problem and not suffering from a near terminal case of broke bitch disease. Still, grotesque wealth aside, you’re glad to see he could make it.

“of course you are,” he scoffs, looking off to the side and putting a hand to his chest. “not many people can say they got me to demean myself by bein seen at a place like this, so consider yourself vvery fortunate.” He ends his literal posturing by quickly glancing at your reaction. 

If he hasn’t been here before he can’t judge it. You tell him this as you lead him towards the entrance by his shoulder. He grumbles, but you catch him glancing back at you when the two of you start walking. Plus the airship thing isn’t even a big deal. He can just drive next time the two of you hang out or you can just grab him. The mention of a “next time” seems to cut off a complaint as you fall in step together. It’s wild to meet someone hornier for platonic validation than you are. But hey, you’ve been there before and he is a kid. 

You’re uh. You’re just kind of like this at this point.

The two of you make it to the lobby and as you approach the front desk, you can’t help but notice how wide the berth between you and other visitors was. People were avoiding eye contact with you, which isn’t unusual for trolls, feeling some way about your appearance of potential risk by association. The stiffness and fear definitely is though. 

Eridan looks totally unphased by this.

The clerk’s face had no color in it when you reached the desk. His back was rod straight and you could hear a pin drop with how quiet the room was. 

"twwo," Eridan sneers, breaking the silence. 

You side eye him and he huffs. "twwo," in a manner you guess was marginally more polite. 

You know what? You’ll take it. Progress is progress.

Look! He’s even uh, he is doing a thing with his face which you are choosing to very generously interpret as an attempted smile and not him menacing that poor man by baring his fangs. 

This social standoff continues as the clerk has no idea how to react. You can’t tell which of the two of them is more uncomfortable. That’s a trick question. The answer is you. It was getting hard to watch, so you grab the tickets and thank the desk worker, pulling Eridan along with you into one of the exhibit halls. You glance around, admiring the work, mentally playing blood or paint as you do before you read the description. You are at a solid fifteen out of eighteen. A passing grade.

As you continue wandering the museum, you lead and Eridan continues a few paces behind you mostly on his palm husk, occasionally offering commentary. It was mostly snide with some actual historical context on pieces depicting war which was an unsurprising amount of them, when something catches your eye and stops you dead in your tracks. 

Oh hey! That's you!

"wwhat?" He looks up from his phone and in the direction you're pointing. His eyes follow and he sees the painting. His faces twists in confusion and his jaw drops slightly. He turns to face you. "wwhat the fuck?" 

You’re already speed walking towards it.

You remember that one especially. The one where you were looking off and down to side with soft lighting. Remele really captured the whole "wistful contemplation" vibe with you exuding grace. In reality, you holding your neck at that angle for five fucking hours gave you a cramp that lasted for a solid week. You also really had to pee for the last half hour, so that was hell. You think it was worth it though, especially looking at it now. 

You smile and sigh as you reminisce about her coldass art studio and chats you’d have there, how she’d get delivery for the two of you after keeping you there so long. The amount she spent on delivery was paltry in comparison to how much she made selling works with you in them, but it was always more about the gesture with you. 

Eridan stands at your side, glancing from you to the painting and back again, trying to comprehend what he is seeing.

“wwhere did you of all people get the caegars to havve a portrait commissioned?”

You laugh. God, there is such a ridiculousness at the idea of you and financial security. They’re practically opposites, like night and day, hot and cold, and some other third thing comparing two diametrically opposed concepts. 

This isn’t a commission, you explain, your friend Remele painted you. Not that you would ever even have the means for one either, but you'd like to think that money wasn't the only thing stopping you from being a complete tool who wants to stare at paintings of themself. 

“wwhy wwould she do that?” He asks dubiously, eyeing the description card and gaining no real answers from it.

Not to brag, you brag, but you were kinda her muse. She did quite a few pieces with you actually. You wonder if there are anymore here or if it's just clowns all the way down. 

“i'm bein serious,” he balks. “wwhy?”

You are serious. You were her muse. Another artist’s too actually. 

Before he can say anything else, you have an idea and ask if he can take a picture of you next to it. You move before he can protest, standing off to the side and mimicking your pose in the painting, except for the goofy smile on your face. The smile of someone without the desire or means to commission a self-portrait you think. 

He mutters something, but relents, pulling out his phone and taking a picture. You’re confident he actually took the picture because of the obnoxious sound it made when he did. Of course Eridan is the kind of person who keeps his system sounds all the way up in public. At his caste, there is no recourse for such actions. At least he has the good grace to send it to you immediately. 

Apparently, you are not the only one who heard that, as a barrel-chested indigo enters the hall and starts to march towards the two of you and you immediately notice the " **NO PHOTOGRAPHY PERMITTED AT ANY TIME** ," sign over the doorway she just passed through. 

Huh, wonder who that’s for. 

Eridan sees your face and turns around to face her, completely unperturbed. You however are very fucking perturbed as she is what one might politely describe as a real brick shithouse of a woman, with at least two sweeps on him. 

She hesitates for a moment when he does so, and her eyes flick between the two of you and then at the painting. She turns her attention back on him wearily. You can visually see her taking stock of the situation as she approaches, now much more even and slow. Just really taking the time to take a full mental inventory on the barely intelligible scene before her with all of the passion and zeal of anyone working in customer service who just lost their customer culling privilege. 

While a clearly stated rule is being broken and there is definitely an obvious way of dealing with that if the small flakes of blood missed by custodial staff are any indication of what normally would happen, him being a sea dweller seems to be throwing a wrench in that. Probably the whole damn toolbox if you were being honest. 

She stops a generous distance away from the two of you and takes a breath. Her face bears all the tense civility of someone whose rage is being tempered only by their fear. Then, with a level of remarkable politeness that would make Emily Post look like a gauche fucking imbecile, kindly requests that he refrain from any further photography in the museum, even if his lusus was the subject.

He narrows his eyes at her and you can just feel the oncoming bitchfit a brewing. Normally you would say that you could probably deal with a pissed thirteen year old, but this is complicated by you knowing for a fact they don’t do weapons checks at the front. Hell, this is Alternia. You wouldn’t be surprised if a weapons check was just someone handing you a weapon at the door. Damn it. This is exactly why kids should not be allowed to wield hybrid harpoon gun laser rifles. You need a way of subtly deescalating the situation.

You announce that you’re hungry.

The security guard looks alarmed at your apparent sentience. You pay her no mind as you focus on Eridan. 

How about the two of you get some snacks in the cafe? You could go for some coffee. You could always go for some coffee. What more do you do than make friends and drink coffee and pursue one in hopes of finding the other in some sort of never ending mobius strip of self-gratification? 

If the look on his face is anything to go by, you have successfully baffled him out of going on a rage. You keep this up by asking the guard which way the cafe is and you begin heading the direction she points. Eridan stares at you. You turn around and feign surprise at the fact he isn't immediately following behind you and gesture at him to come with you as if he's the one embarrassing himself in public. 

Sometimes, you really just have to do the mature thing and gaslight a child.

You got yourself an overpriced medium cup of coffee and Eridan bought a fifteen caegar bottle of water and you can feel yourself become slightly more radicalized as he does. He has settled down a lot from his almost outburst and starts talking about a naval battle documentary series he’s been watching. 

He gets more animated as he gets into discussing the nuances and shit that got cut or overlooked. Really trekking into the weeds of historical accuracy and his fins move a bit whenever he gets particularly worked up. It's kind of cute. Not cute enough to distract from the fact that what he's talking about are the merits and tactical applications of various atrocities that were committed, but still. Cute. 

At a certain point he ventures off of that particular topic and begins to fidget with his scarf, like it had suddenly become too tight when you could probably guess he took at least half an hour to put it on in a way that would look like he just threw it on and it just happened to look good. But like in a really purposeful, performatively casual way that only the upper echelons of society get to fully enjoy. 

“so clearly you are havvin a great time betwween findin your old portrait and the esteemed company gracin you wwith his presence.” 

Wow. He made it a whole fifteen minutes without a self aggrandizing statement. You’re almost proud of him. You celebrate this milestone, or more accurately a yardstone, with a long fucking sip before answering that yeah, aside from the running mostly snippy side commentary and him getting this close to physically fighting a staff member, it has been surprisingly chill. 

“wwhat? that shit is barely wworth mentionin wwith howw in the past it wwas.”

Ten minutes ago?

“exactly.” He waves off that part of the conversation. “anywways on account of you passin out advvice like cheap cigars and havvin some taste wwhen it comes to cinematic fuckin masterpieces and capes.”

Admittedly on the venn diagram of “people who unironically think Shrek is a cinematic masterpiece” and “people who own a nonzero number of capes that they wear semi regularly in public,” the overlap might solely be inhabited by the two of you.

“like i wwas sayin, you havve some solid judgement.”

That more just shows you where his is at. Though maybe you just have better judgement of people, not situations?. And definitely not the situations that you get yourself into that allows you to meet these choice individuals.

“so wwhat fuckin givves?”

What?

“wwe had a feww friend dates and you keep comin back so im guessin im at least tolerable, and i havvent gotten stabbed by restaurant wwage slavves recently.”

You don’t know what he wants you to do with the metric of “didn’t get stabbed.”

“and no ones evven said anythin about it.”

Is he genuinely expecting praise for doing the bare minimum? It isn't just deciding not to be an asshole anymore and being done. He has to keep continually and actively choose not to be an asshole. He can’t just chill out for a few months and say he’s cured or make a Grubtube apology video or something similarly effective.

He grimaces, “im not goin to do that. i havve some pride. this being less terrible shit just takes forever and its hard.” He frowns, “its really hard.”

Well yeah. Change typically is. He would have done it by now if it were that easy. But, you draw, he is mostly self-aware and genuinely trying to work on shit so he doesn’t just grow into being the biggest asshole imaginable. You've seen his unchecked future and it isn't pretty.

He is quiet so you continue. 

You're not going to lie, he is by no means at a great point. Or even remotely close to one.

"great." He mutters, rolling his eyes. 

He could be way worse, you emphasize. You have seen and experienced way worse.

He doesn't seem to believe you.

You once knew this indigo who was just kind of the worst actually. You can say this now that you aren't starting your days off by chugging the friendship juice. Whenever he wasn't trying to land in your red quad, or anything else he could get, he would try to drag you along on schemes to wingman for him. Sometimes seeming to be trying to do both at the same time? Which you guess was really a testament to his desperation and admittedly solid multitasking abilities. He spent most of his free time prowling around lowblood events and being a pushy creep to performers backstage. He was just kind of a lot. 

"that's disgustin," he scowls. 

His immediate revulsion causes a massive weight to be absolutely lifted off of your shoulders and you revel in your spiritual gains. You relax, slumping back into your seat. Oh thank God. You're not in the worst possible scenario. He doesn't even know how hap-"

"i wwould nevver demean myself by fillin a quad wwith a rusty. if it came to that id just get offed by the drones. thats just fuckin embarrassin."

God dammit. 

For being a marksman, he really fucking missed the point of that. 

You didn't want to do this to him, but if busting out the ghost of nice guy future and hearing those chains rattling was the only way to get through to him, then jingle jangle motherfucker. 

This was the same dude who wouldn’t let up on trying to hold your frond. He called you his sweet little rustdrop. After you filled a few quads, he flooded your dms with pleas for you to “recognize the toxic relationship that you were in” and offered to “help” you. Didn’t ever actually specify which one he was talking about which was definitely not an accident in retrospect. So that was an absolute fucking minefield for you to navigate. 

He cringes a bit.

You are haunted. If you ever get called rustdrop again in your life, it will be too soon. You also don't think you're asking too much of him by thinking that more than casteism should be stopping him from even entertaining that shit. He is fully capable of so much more than the bare minimum. You just know it. You need that to be true.

"wwell i knoww wwhen someone doesnt wwant to be around me," he defensively states. "i at least havve that going for me." 

Yeah. He does.

He pouts, but sugar coating this does nothing for him and he knows it. 

Plus, he is getting to be slightly less intolerable every time you see him. This was nice. Aside from the previously stated scene that almost happened, this was actually a nice little friend date. He can’t just be putting his self worth on how many quads he has filled. That's just a recipe for disaster. 

“easy for you to say” he pouts, glancing at your hoodie.

That’s not true or relevant. Wait, you didn’t tell him about your quads or where you went. How could he ha-, oh. 

Et tu Vantas? 

Well you didn’t say it was a secret or anything. And it was in the past, at the time when you told him it was at least. 

“wwait,” Eridan squints. “wwhat do you mean wwhere you wwent?” 

So while this isn’t the entire reason you’re on the fleet, it is a very decent part of it. You gesture at the hoodie. 

This is going to be on Trollian. You just know it. Maybe not the moment you leave, but pretty soon after and you make your peace with being the subject of some gossip and never having teenagers think you’re cool ever again.

He raises his brows. And then shakes his head at you. “ceruleans am i right?”

He is not. 

You have bonded with people over a lot of weird shit, but you draw a firm line with comradery fueled by caste based sentiments. You straight up don't even know what he is trying to imply with this anyways. He huffs at your refusal, but isn’t one to let unreciprocated bigotry stop him.

“wwell if hornless cullbait can manage then youre clearly holdin out on me.”

Look. While magic is super real and you’re magical as fuck, there is no magic to this. The best advice you can give him right now is to work on himself and not for future quadmates. He has to do it for him since at the end of the night he is the one who has to deal with himself and if nothing with him changes then he is just going to keep being miserable quads or no quads. Also, you think you might not necessarily be the most qualified person to give advice on how to start a healthy relationship. While you were happy in yours, by all means, it absolutely should not have worked between you and the dude who stalked you online, hacked into your phone to get you location, and then had you ambushed and dragged off the streets by some guys he hired so he could take you back to his place for unspecified reasons. 

At least Polypa was normal. All she did was kill a guy.

So yeah. His best bet is probably taking some time to focus on himself and his personal growth. Build some healthy friendships and feel more okay with who he is before he tries to get into anyone’s quads and all that jazz. Maybe even take up a new hobby that doesn’t include raiding lowblood neighborhoods. You highly suggest that he do that last one especially. 

He exhales, considering what you said for a moment. “im done talkin about that particular topic.” He segways with all the subtlety of a brick in the face, suddenly pissy as he exclaims, “i knoww you stole one of my capes.”

Oh, he actually noticed. You have it at your place if he wants you to grab it. It is right next to your other one. The dumpster cape has a special place in your heart. This however, has a special place on your coat rack. Right next to it.

“wwell i dont wwant it noww,” he sneers.

Sweet. 

“you still fuckin owwe me.” 

This guy is really determined to get blood from a stone. His jaw hangs open slightly for a moment and before he can ask, you say rocks don’t actually have blood on your planet. You know what? It's a bad metaphor. Don’t worry about it.

“youre comin wwith me to get a replacement cape is wwhat i mean” 

Hell fucking yes. Now he is speaking your language albeit with a bit of a tone, but you don’t really care. You love capes. Since there isn't really an event which requires the use of them, they exist in this space outside of conventional fashion that you just really enjoy using to spice things up. Like once, you had this great look going on. One of your most iconic ones in your opinion, where the dumpster cape was the centerpiece and you were turning heads left and right at this party where you and a friend met up with this guy wh-.

You abruptly stop midword.

It suddenly occurs to you that this story is absolutely not LG-6. Your adventures have admittedly had varying levels of wholesomeness, but you have somehow chosen the ONE where you believe people would have to sign a waiver to agree to the adult content and language contained in that particular tale to even know about it. At his age this was a definite no go. Your pause at this realization has him suspicious. His curiosity is clearly piqued by the way he leans in closer to you and there is no way he is going to let you drop this now, not when you’ve mentioned capes and worse, someone potentially messier than him. 

You have officially fucked up. 

You shut your mouth for once and force a placid expression on your face which you desperately need to cover how you're mentally scrambling for a cover story. Sorry you lost your train of thought. Like that train got so thoroughly derailed that you can’t even remember what you were talking about. What was it again?

“wwhat happened at the party?” he asks through narrowed eyes. 

You look at him and reply,

“Poetry readings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just needed some levity after all that and this was fun to write. Mspa Reader really just got into a lot of things that I feel never actually get acknowledged again. Like there is going to be a future Lamati with a pinboard trying to figure out who this strange figure is and what their motivations are and why they keep showing up through history lmao.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Alone With You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28252077) by [caity_ski](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caity_ski/pseuds/caity_ski)




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